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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Heavy relationship at 16

13 replies

HormonalHeap · 04/10/2016 20:00

Ds 16 been with first girlfriend (same age) 3 months. Not making an effort with other friends, stays with her a couple of times a week, going away together over half term and I know he sees a future with her. He used to suffer from depression, and just so worried that when it comes to an end he won't be able to handle it, he just doesn't have the resilience.

I adore the girl and If I could have chosen a future partner for him, she would be it. Surely though if you meet someone so young and don't have other relationships, you don't grow as a person.. or is that bollocks?

OP posts:
Violetcharlotte · 04/10/2016 21:05

My son was with his gf from the end of year 10 until half way through first year of 6th form and like you I did worry that it was all a bit intense. However when they started college they both seemed to grow up a lot and make new friends and get their own interests. They came to a mutual decision to split a few months ago, but are still v good friends.

Obvs it may not work out so well for your son, but who know? Breaks up are all part of life and growing up so there's not really much you can do apart from be there for him.

I do get how you feel though - even at 16 they're still our babies aren't they?! X

cdtaylornats · 04/10/2016 21:17

I know a couple who started going out at 13, and have been a couple ever since, they are 59 now and have 3 kids - don't know if it'll last.

rogueantimatter · 05/10/2016 09:57

I know exactly what you mean.

But it's impossible to predict how things will turn out - they might be very good for each other and break up amicably. My 17YO DD and her BF had a completely amicable break up after two years, including a year of being in a flat share! They're both doing well and seemed to bounce back really quickly.

Perhaps you could make it as easy as possible for your DS to keep up with his friends. Could you let him have a Halloween party perhaps. Or be particularly helpful with lifts for him and his friends to bonfire night/anything else.

Do you know why he isn't keeping up with his friends? Do they get on okay with his gf?

corythatwas · 05/10/2016 15:50

Different people need different things to grow as a person.

I was admittedly 19 when I met dh, but he was my first boyfriend, and I don't think I stopped growing. We had a long distance relationship, I did a degree and then a postgraduate degree, we've had careers and dc, we have changed and developed new interests over the years. We are now in our mid-50s and ready to face any changes in life, as dc grow up and move away- but we will be facing them as a couple.

My niece met her boyfriend at secondary, they are now in their early 30s, married very happy. Of course they are not exactly the same people as they were at 15 and 16, but they are people who have had the flexibility to grow without growing apart.

Otoh lots of young couples find they do grow apart and move on- and that is fine, too.

I am a firm believer in the idea that everybody must live their own life and you can't plan it for them.

Original poster
HormonalHeap · 05/10/2016 16:37

Thanks all. I do think (though I may be wrong) that if you have only ever had one relationship, it takes wisdom to appreciate what you have and not see the grass as greener elsewhere.

Cory interesting to read your experience, I also believe you can't live their life for them, only advise them when you see them making obvious mistakes like dropping their friends. Violet yes still my baby allbut a 6'2 one!

OP posts:
Itrytoohard · 05/10/2016 17:18

My DS2 is now 17 and has been with his girlfriend for 2 years. It got really heavy really fast and he barely has relationships outside of her. She is very possessive but he likes her and is happy so I just leave them to it.

Useruser44 · 05/10/2016 18:35

Same here OP but my dds relationship is quite volatile. They are on the phone 24/7 and the world revolves around him she's all but dropped her friends Shock

AnnieOnAMapleLeaf · 05/10/2016 18:39

There is nothing to say that your DS and his girlfriend will break up. It is possible to be with one person and one person only. My DH is the only serious relationship I have ever had and is the only person I have ever been with. I do not feel like I have missed out on "greener grass" or that I have not grown as person since meeting him. I find that a little insulting to be honest.

Hulababy · 05/10/2016 18:39

The chances are it will end and not go the distance. Most young relations don't last. I am sure with your support and love he can come through that if and when it happens. It may be hard, very hard, but with he right advice he can make it through.

Surely though if you meet someone so young and don't have other relationships, you don't grow as a person.. or is that bollocks?

However, it could last. I met DH when we were both 16, and in lower sixth (Y12) and we are still happily together. We went to different universities but stayed together through that time. We married a few years later, after university and after living together. Been together 26 years now. He was my first serious boyfriend, and I was his first series girlfriend.
I think we have both grown up pretty normal and level headed, I don't feel like there is anything missing.

Original poster
HormonalHeap · 05/10/2016 21:19

Annie it was certainly not meant to be insulting. What I meant was if one has only ever slept with one person, I don't think it would be abnormal to wonder what it would be like to be with someone else.

I guess I worry as he doesn't share his feelings with us and would shut us out in the event of a break up and suffer alone. Not much I can do though, so guess I'll just have to relax!

OP posts:
AnnieOnAMapleLeaf · 05/10/2016 23:16

Oh I know you didn't mean it that way Hormonal. Not to worry.

misshelena · 08/10/2016 22:07

I hear you Hormonal! DD 16-yo is dating a lovely boy for 8 months. I too worry about the end when it inevitably comes. I worry about DD, but I worry more about her bf. While she continues to hang out with her other friends, he seems to have lost interest in anyone other than her. He also seems to have lost interest in his studies while she is keeping up all her grades. I read that boys at this age tend to fall harder in love than girls? I don't know, but I am worried.

I also agree with you that having just one relationship in life can be limiting. I want both dd and bf to have lovely memories of each other and then move on to dating others before finally settling down. Anyway, I am just worried.

Carlamomof3 · 09/10/2016 11:35

I see this happening with both my 13 and 16 yr old daughters too. When they fall in love we don't want them to lose their other friendships but we can only guide them and hope for the best. I've told mine that yes it does happen where they find their life mates at a young age but more often than not a breakup does happen. I would prefer that they have several relationships before they get married but older teens and younger teens have to decide for themselves. It is nice though when we see our teens in healthy relationships and we just need to be there for them.

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