I hit my 17 year old daughter 😓

[Badmum78]

Last night for the 1st time ever I hit my 17 year old daughter. I'm disgusted with myself. She has been more and more cruel to me since last March and I am a nurse who sustained a head injury after a patient beat me up in October; she says I've been a horrible mum since then, but I lost the ability to speak properly, wet myself, insomnia, migraine and flashbacks from a violent child hood and previous partner. She showed no empathy at all when it happened and says I'm not her mum any more. I'm better now and back at work. She has moved out and too her dads house twice before due to horrendous fights, but she doesn't apologise for any of her spoilt nasty behaviour.
I should never of hit her, but she beat me up pretty well after so I got what I deserved. I've apologised today but she's not interested and wants to live with her dad. She says I'm dead to her I'm broken, I've never smacked her ever and have let myself down. What can I do, last night will never be erased and no one else in my family is getting involved. I couldn't face work today, cancelled my birthday tomorrow and have begged for forgiveness and she's being more and more mean... Do I deserve this

It's even worse that she hit you in the head after what happened to you.
Let her calm down. Does seem like it stems from your incident at work. Although at 17 it could maybe be school/boyfriend/girlfriend issues?
Does she get on with your DH

She's never been physically violent before in her life ever, but yes she's been treating me like rubbish .. But she's never hit out at me and vice versa .. She always at counselling she's still getting over her dad and I splitting up when she was 18 months and a 4 month relationship she was in 3 years ago... She is very sensitive too put it nicely

op my eldest dd is 21 we have been through the mill but come out the other side. I've also just helped my cousin and her 17 to get over a six month stand off when her dd moved out.

What you need to do for now is to leave her alone for a bit. Give yourself and her a cooling off period. She is ok where she is, she is safe. Forget about the step mum and font bad mouth her dad or her SM, it will only fuel the anger or give her ammunition. You can and will salvage and rebuild your relationship you just have to give yourselfs time.

You have massively been through the mill, you were attacked then we're very poorly after it. You dd is old enough to show you empathy and understanding of it. She has played her part in this fall out too, she is no angel.

When you hit her it was out of order - which you know but she then went further and beat you up (?) you both were at fault her. Not just you.

Did you have councilling for your attack?

From an outsiders perspective, this seems like a perfect storm. She's 16 and that's a difficult time, she's got a complicated family situation with a difficult step mum and plenty of conflict, and you were her stable force. You seem to have some remaining issues around your relationship with your own mum (understandably!) and then you had a serious incident at work which changed you dramatically. Now you've gone back to that job, so she probably feels there is a risk of that happening again. She may be scared about what the next incident will do.

It's common for children to lash out at their stable, loving relationships during periods of change, and I suppose for her that process has become stilted because you did change too, accidentally.

Leave her to recover for a while, you do the same. She's fine with her dad. Let him get her a phone if he wants too. She will be a drama queen - most 16 year olds are! Reassess when the emotions have naturally died down and time has started to heal. If you keep picking the wound, she's more likely to decide to stay with him. Look after yourself, too. I'm concerned that you seem to have contact with violent family members? And you sound very close to the edge.

Why do posters keep getting the age mixed up? Am I missing posts?

My mother still says she hates me and the feeling is mutual. Not a single family member visited me after my recent assault and my mum wouldn't talk to me on the phone cause of 'my stupid voice'. I never see my family really ... Maybe my sister occasionally

So not due to a newish relationship. It does seem the injury and your returning to work afterwards might have been the turning point...

It is difficult to know what to suggest. You don't seem to speak very warmly of her - I don't know if that is because you are still angry with her (with reason) or whether it is something that has crept into your day to day life.

I think in the end you can't change her behaviour, you can only change how you act/react in an effort to change the relationship dynamic which has developed recently.

What does your husband think?

You need to go NC with your mother.

What's DH ? I'm new

Husband

She is 17 :) what's NC

DH - Dear husband.

Just to add - I ask about your husband's perspective because he has watched the changes over the past year or so, which gives him far more information than we have!

NC - no contact!

There is a glossary somewhere...

Glossary here: www.mumsnet.com/info/acronyms

I've had lots of Couselling I'm over it, back on the same ward doing same role. She's never even asked what happened and she told me I should get back to work when I was off cause I would feel better ... I won't and can't contact her... Gutted its my birthday tomorrow be first year she's not with me and I won't get a beautiful message

If you love something,let it go.if it comes back it's yours,if it dosnt it never was...17 is nearly a grown adult...in yr shoes I would apologise to my daughter.and tell her I love her..then I'd back of.and if she goes she goes.if she stays she stays...she needs to make her way in the world now..and you need to give yourself someTLC,because you have had it tough for quite some time.and you need to concentrate on getting better. X

Her stepbrother left after an argument with his dad and I think that's when she changed. He's not 17 until November and stays with his gran now, my hubby had a breakdown and is on meds. The more I'm being asked about why I think the two happened close together.. He moved out... She changed

I have apologised and said I love her... She didn't care

Teenagers can be incredibly selfish. I often wonder if it down to bring spoilt when you split up as sometimes people over compensate. I know I did.

She is a young adult now op and she needs to take some responsibility for her behaviour.

Hubby stays out of it, he's still not got his son back after 6 months.

So ,you can do no more now.you can't change the past,even a minute ago is the past..all we can do is move forward....you need to be there as a mum if they need you.but start to concentrate on getting well again..you have to help yourself ,before you can help anyone else

I've always had her it's not easy too think of myself when I miss her and I feel estranged .. After my relationship with my mum this terrifies me but I'm giving her space

I'm really really sorry your having such a bad time..I remember my mum hitting me.a big hard slap across my face...never in a million years would I of hit her back...

Were your daughter and his son close?

It sounds like there has been an awful lot of upheaval in your family over the past year. I am not surprised you are all all over the place emotionally.

I am well, I'm healed I'm working again have been for months. I'm a survivor of abuse not a victim; I've healed. I don't know what too do without being a mum, sad I know