Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Flip

Original poster

Is she too young?

21 replies

Onfleek · 18/05/2016 23:35

My DS turned 19 at the beginning of this year. Today he brought home his girlfriend of a month to meet us and whilst talking to her I found out she was only 16, in her last year of school. I knew that she was in school as DS as said a few times he was picking her up from school but I had just assumed he meant 6th form or college.

I was shocked that she was this young and I spoke to my son after he had dropped her home. He said he hasn't slept with her or done anything sexual yet but even if he had she's of legal age. He met her at a New Years party and she was already 16 by then so he didn't know her whilst she was under age. He's told me that even though she is of legal age he does not feel right doing anything with her whilst she is still in school and says he won't even think of anything like that until after she's left, especially because it's still early in the relationship.

Surely if he doesn't feel right though then there must be something in his mind saying the relationship is wrong?

Is it wrong? I'm not even sure to be honest.

Judging by my previous posts on here about my sons and daughter and reading other posts some of you on MN are very funny about having any involvement in you sons and daughters life's so I was very reluctant to actually post on here again but I think this is something that could potentially get my DS into trouble so need advise and opinions.

OP posts:

MeMySonAndl · 18/05/2016 23:39

I think that you should not try to read your son's mind. He has gone above the call of duty by explaining how he feels and reassuring you he is keeping the distance until she leaves school.

I think that my only worry would be that the girl was lying about her age. But I suppose that there is not much you can do about it. Is it?

averylongtimeago · 18/05/2016 23:41

I was 16 when I met my DH, he was 19, in 1975. am ancient
I was at school, he was at work and joy of joys, had a car.

Best not to know too much about his sex life....he is an adult, btw.

Iflyaway · 18/05/2016 23:45

Well, my son was never interested in girls of 16 when he was 19.. like he said about it when it came up in conversation about something similar "what would we have to talk about?!"

Other than that, I wouldn't know how to advise you, sorry.

Mumof2lovelys · 18/05/2016 23:45

If you think it is wrong then you think it's wrong. As for it being legal, your son is right. As long as she is consenting the law says it's okay. It's nice that he is willing to wait for her to be out of school and in the relationship a bit longer.

Has your son met her parents yet? Might not seem relevant to you but it's usually the girls parents who try to prosecute rather than friends or school teachers. If he's met the parents and they are okay with the relationship then I'd say you are pretty safe.

Jennyf68 · 18/05/2016 23:48

Would you be feel the same way if she was 16 and in college?

If yes then the age is a problem for you and although you can't stop the relationship you can certainly express your concerns to your DS.

Fresta · 18/05/2016 23:49

I think it's fine.

A 3 year age gap is negligible.

Original poster

Onfleek · 18/05/2016 23:59

There isn't anything I can do about, I guess I'm just asking to see what others opinions are on it. I did bring up the fact that she could be lying about her age and although he hasn't got any real proof that she is 16 as they don't tend to have ID at that age he has seen her study leave card which only year 11s get and there are pictures on Facebook of her 16th birthday party which she showed me when talking about her family.

Yes, he has met her mum and nan and younger siblings. Dad isn't on the scene apparently. I assume they are okay with relationship as I spoke to her mum when she called to let her know she would be staying here for dinner.

No, I wouldn't feel the same way if she was a college student. I guess it's just something about her being a school kid and the possibility that she could be younger than she says.

OP posts:

Jennyf68 · 19/05/2016 00:08

There is your answer then. Just don't think of her as a school kid, exams should be over within the next month and then she won't actually be a school kid anymore

You just have to trust she is 16, if you've seen pictures of her birthday chances are she is being honest.

Your DS seems quite smart with the waiting so probably nothing to worry about but I do understand why you would.

Mumof2lovelys · 19/05/2016 00:13

It's not unusaual for younger girls to prefer older boys, not only do girls mature quicker than boys but the jobs and cars are very attractive too. Its quite likely that if he was to end things with this girl it wouldn't be long until another young girl came along, at least that's what happened with my son. He is 21 now, he doesn't date younger than 18 but it seems he doesn't date older than that either haha. His last girlfriend was 16 when they met and he was 18 so similar to your situation, I did worry a little but I met her mum a week or 2 later when she invited us to a BBQ. They ended up staying together a while and moved in together. They sadly split last year though and since then he has brought home to meet me 2 18 year old girls, neither of which stuck around long.

minatiae · 19/05/2016 00:25

I don't think she is too young, no. There's not a great deal of difference in maturity between a 19 yo boy and a 16 yo girl in my experience. If he was 21 or she was 15, maybe but 16 and 19 seems fine, and depending on their birthdays there could be closer to just a year between them if she's almost 17 and he's only just turned 19 for example.

Don't think I'd have dated a 16yo guy when I was 19 but then I moved out of my parents house when I was 16 so by 19 was perhaps more mature than most.

but in any case, a 3 year age difference even if it is the full 3 years isn't much. If she was 20 and he was 23 you wouldn't be asking.

QuimReaper · 19/05/2016 00:36

It's fine. Totally normal.

It's just the school thing that's wiggling you out. If you'd found out in a couple of years when she's "about to go to college" it wouldn't feel so weird.

toastedandbuttered · 19/05/2016 01:04

'Well, my son was never interested in girls of 16 when he was 19.. like he said about it when it came up in conversation about something similar "what would we have to talk about?!"'

hahaha because 19 year old boys are so much more into intelligent conversation than and worlds away from 16 year old girls!

Also I find a lot of couples at that age are less interested in chat and more interested in boning

TinklyLittleLaugh · 19/05/2016 01:28

My DD1 had a 19 year old boyfriend when she was 16 and in school. He always refused to meet her from school because he said her school uniform made him feel like a weirdo.

She met her current boyfriend when she was doing a foundation course at sixth form college, aged 19, and he was in his final year aged 20 at our local uni. Apparently he got a massive amount of stick from his mates about going out with a school girl, even though he is only about 18 months older than her.

So yeah, your boy might get a bit of stick, but he's doing nothing dodgy or illegal. I wouldn't worry too much OP.

Wondermum81 · 19/05/2016 07:38

There have been a few replies about girls going with older boys but I don't think it's uncommon for boys to be with girls younger either. Especially around 18-20 year olds, girlfriends from school/college are moving up to uni or away to different towns and as a result having to end relationships. With girls as young as 16 they've got a few years until the possibly leave. At least that is my experience.

Older son, 22, had a been with his girlfriend since first year old college then 2 years later when they were 19 she finished at college her family moved away to a different town and had to break it off. Brought a few girls home who weren't underage but still young. Never had an issue with that as imo he wasn't doing anything wrong and they never lasted more than a couple of months. He has now been with his girlfriend for a year and a half and she is 19 so although not as young as 16, he's still with a younger girl.

My younger son, 19, met his ex girlfriend when he was in year 11 and she was in year 10, together for 3 years and then in the summer she went of to uni and by October they'd broken up as her uni was too far away to just pop home during term time and although he drove he wasn't up for driving longer than the time he could spend with her meaning there was 6+ weeks that they didn't see each other and the relationship wasn't strong enough. We did a small scare at Christmas, me, DH and sons dad gave him money towards his new car, when he got this DD made a comment along the lines of he can't take 15 year old girls to McDonald's anymore and then a few days later I heard he same thing from a couple of his friends. Spoke to him about it and turns out it's just a joke with their age group that people who drive corsas, the car my son was driving before getting new car, pick up girls from school and take them to McDonald's drive though He started seeing a 17 year old at the beginning of the year.

Ik you didn't ask for my life story but thought it may help hearing other people's experiences. You have nothing to worry about, it's all legal and quite common.

corythatwas · 19/05/2016 09:17

Once they are over the legal age, the main worry about a girl being with an older man is that he will use his age to control or manipulate her. From what you tell me of your son he sounds very respectful of his gf. So that is reassuring. One of two things will happen: they will either grow apart (because she is still very young) or the age difference will become less of a worry as she grows.

McBassyPants · 19/05/2016 09:41

it's usually the girls parents who try to prosecute rather than friends or school teachers

Prosecute what exactly?!

OP In a matter of months, she will be 17 and he 20. Will you feel better then? 😂 it's fine, 3 years is nothing and she's of legal age should the want to develop the relationship sexually. I probably wouldn't press your son on it though

Idontknowwhoiam · 19/05/2016 09:49

I think the age gap is acceptable, in my opinion boys are less mature than girls tend to be and I was never interested in the boys my age in school!
There's 3 years between me and dh. We met when I was 19 and he was 22. We've been married 9 years now. I was much more experienced than him by that age too....
Your son seems sensible and open with you. I never was with my parents!

Idontknowwhoiam · 19/05/2016 09:52

at toastedandbuttered

imwithspud · 19/05/2016 10:00

From what you've said it seems fine to me. It doesn't seem likely she's lying about her age, he's met her family and seems to have a very respectful attitude towards her. I would try to put the fact that she's at school to the back of your mind, in a few months she will be at college and close to turning 17 and it won't seem like an issue then.

There are 4 years almost to the day between me and my dp, I had just turned 18 and him 22 when we got together. Still together now 7 years later.

Stardust160 · 19/05/2016 10:06

I was 16 although I had started college when I met my ex at work he was 21 at the time although immature for his age so that's why we most likely clicked. He was one of the nicest kindest and respectable lads I ever dated. I was with him for 3 and half years. Funny enough I went off to university and he still never grew up. I do think it depends on the individual. My ex after him was abit piece of work cheated lie emotional and on one occasion physically abused me. We were the same age. Has she just turned 16? I suppose it depends on the level of maturity on her part.

irregularegular · 19/05/2016 10:15

Totally a non-issue I would have said. It's legal, and plenty of 16 year old girls would be just as mature as plenty of 19 yr old boys. In fact, I would say it is more usual than not for a 16 yr old girl to go out with a boy who is slightly older. 16 year old boys have generally not caught up! Maybe there is something 'not quite right' about the relationship, but I don't think it is necessarily anything to do with age, and it is for him to work out, not you (and he sounds very sensible!).

When I was 17 I was with a 21 year old (OK, I think). When I was 18 I was with a 42 year old (probably not a great idea really).

Flip