My son is a compulsive liar and theif

[lilybetsy]

My eldest son is 17. He has always made things up and not told the truth, even when faced with incontrovertible evidence, he will continue to lie.

Its getting worse. he lies now, about everything. Even when he doesn't need to, I no longer trust a single word that comes out of his mouth. He also steals and yesterday took £5 form his younger brothers wallet. he denies it, but he has told so many lies its impossible to believe him.

I hate dishonesty, and the loss of trust is destroying our family. If he were anyone else I would walk away and nothing further to do with someone who tells so many lies, but you cant disown your own child.

Has anyone else had this ? how did you cope? I want him to leave home when he is 18 , but we live in the SE, its so expensive and I don't believe he would cope for 5 minutes on his own.

Have you asked for medical help either via gp or school?
it sounds v difficult

he has been under CAMHS. now discharged. He was expelled from one school for theft and is now at college repeating gcse's.

I am at the end of my coping capacity

First off..protect yourself. You may not be able to change him but you can protect your money. Get a combination safe from Argos or Robert Dyas (about £25) and put EVERYONE's money in there.

Secondly.. disengage with his lies. Don't challenge them..shrug and walk away. A liar knows when he is busted but will always lie further and further . A disinterested ' yes, whatever' is far more empowering than digging for the truth and not getting it.

(can you tell I have BEEN there?!)

He may mature in a year or so. My ds1 was frankly a total asshole from aged 12-17... you name it he did it. Lying stealing weed smoking wall smashing...

I disengaged . Treated him like a stranger.. polite to him but that was all, because he tried to goad me at every opportunity. Got a safe and thwarted his theft (he had stolen HUNDREDS from us by this point).

Slowly..very slowly he grew up a bit. Got a part time job. Realised he could earn his own money. Became human again. Now he is 23..currently travelling in Oz, having worked in a social care job for 4 years... doesn't steal, doesn't lie (much ) and is now a lovely young adult who I can hand my bank card to without a thought. He's not perfect..of course... but he is SO different from the awful, and angry teen he was then. I remember when he was 16-17 saying to DH that if he stayed this bad we would have to throw him out at 18 for our own sanity and safety (he's no 2 of 4... all others fine). We are in the SE too and when he returns from Australia I fully expect him to come home as he can't afford to move out.

Hang in there if you can, but protect yourself as much as is possible. It is horrible and only those who have been there can understand how horrible it really is xxx

I know how hard it can be, my oldest DS was a compulsive liar he lied about everything big , small, important or trivial even when he got caught out he still kept lying , he was referred to a young persons unit at the local mental hospital for assessment, he lied to the psychiatric nurse as well. He was finally diagnosed with a personality disorder but we were told there was nothing that anyone could do to help him. We had to finally ask him to leave at 17 1/2 he got help from the local council's young homeless persons unit, he lied to them as well, they found him a place to stay. His grandma took over the parental role for a while, she's local but couldn't ask him to stay with her because he was so difficult, even though he was her darling grandson she never said we were wrong to ask him to leave. I was too ashamed to tell anyone other than those folk I had to, that we had asked him to leave home. After a while we reconnected and we helped support him financially, he was unemployed for about 6 years, he was very lucky and got funding for a college course but then lost the funding cause of his lying, he lost a training place as well, it just went on and on but it was a lot easier to manage when he wasn't living at home. It still breaks my heart that we had to ask him to leave, we had a younger child to consider as well, but 10 years later he has a job, a nice flat and we have a good relationship. I really feel for you going through this there is no easy answer, the guilt you feel if you ask them to leave is immense but if you have truly got to the end of your tether it may be the only solution.