Last Minute Sleepovers

[Poppychildren]

Hi, just looking for so mm e general opinions please (first post). DD14 in a fairly new friendship group. Since Easter hols I'm finding that she will go out and meet up with friends, hang around either local McDonald's or one of friends houses sort of thing and then text asking if she can stay over . She has no stuff with her, happy to borrow from friends etc. I did allow it a couple of times over Easter hols (it also happened in reverse, I.e. friends staying here last minute,) however, I am really not keen to get into the general habit of doing this. Not exactly sure why, it just doesn't feel right to set this up as okay to do all the time. It could mean potentially that we could end up not seeing her from early morning until the next day iyswim and that just doesn't feel right somehow. Am I being precious, is this just normal teen stuff? Advice most well welcome. Should add friends live in next village so not so easy just to pop home for 10 mins to collect stuff/ let us see her. Also I don't know new friends parents to text/check. Really don't think she is doing anything she shouldn't atm however sure that is yet to come !

I think you are right to be slightly suspicious of what they may (or may not) get up to. Sounds similar to my situation and lots of kids around here. Some of them use it to get up to all sorts of 'no good' others are probably doing it quite innocently (just enjoying spending time with their friends).

I think it depends on your DD and also her new friend group. Around this age a lot I teens start experimenting with alcohol and also drugs. I would never have believed it but I have known kids younger than 14 around here to be taking drugs/drinking and the parents not having a clue/not worried (not a bad neighbourhood). It was a shock for me, having grown up in a small town with hardly any drugs/underage drinking.

When my DS turned 14 these 'sleepovers' started, however I soon realised he wasn't always where he said he was. Also I had a hellish few months where he would refuse to come home, when I said no to him staying over with a friend. There was drink and he has since admitted that he tried ecstasy and some other drugs. Loads of them did. The police were informed and I arranged for some family support as I felt he was getting completely out of control. However he has been rebellious, oppositional and reckless since he was a toddler so it will have a lot to do with personality.

I am sure most sleepovers are much more innocent follow your gut feeling though and speak to your daughter. Make sure she isn't feeling pressured to stay over or drawn into things she is uncomfortable with. If you can, contact the sleepover parents, just to introduce yourself. It will make you feel better!

Best of luck

Dd started doing this last minute request for sleepovers. At that age we told her if she wanted to sleep over somewhere she had to give us a bit more notice and I would quite often ring the parents just to check if things were above board. She accused me if not trusting her and tbh I didn't. Dd used to stay at a friends and her mum wasn't even there! I soon put a stop to that when I found out.
Not all kids are up to no goid and it may be that things are totally fine but if you are uncomfortable with it just lay down some ground rules and check for your own peace of mind.

Thank you. Think I will stick with my gut feeling and not let it became a regular done thing and maybe try and meet or contact other parents.

Don't you want her to have a social life? We have an open house and at that age dd's friends ad dd would sleep at whichever friend's house they were at, as long as all homework was done. Don't think there's anything strange about that as long as you know exactly where she is.

DD has stayed over with no notice and has friends stay here with no notice, but I think it really depends on the child. Only you know your DC best.

I posted about exactly the same thing about 6 months ago about my DS and got absolutely flamed. I say go with your gut, you know your DD better than any of us, at this age it's natural to push the boundaries. But you're still the adult, and she's still at an age where she needs guidance whether she likes it or not

My DCs did this all the time. I did know all of the other parents involved however. It was the way they sorted out sleepovers from a very young age.

I was a bit worried when DD1's little gang widened at age 14 and there were parents in the picture whom I didn't know. But I had to sit down and ask myself 'if not at 14, then when can I trust DD1 to assess situations and be sensible?' After all, we had talked about what being safe involved and about what being sensible looked like and DD1 had always been a reasonable and conscientious girl, who had chosen nice friends and was working hard in school and participating in extra curricular activities and showing no signs of going off the rails.

I told DD1 that I was willing to drive to wherever she might be at any time day or night to pick her up, and any friends too, if she called or texted to say she wanted to leave, and with no questions asked on my part. I told her I would trust her judgement as to whether to stay or leave, and that I hoped she would keep her eyes open, and also hoped she would look out for friends who were taking risks, and not leave anyone in a vulnerable position.

The other element of it was that DD1 was to answer her phone if I called, or respond to a text. She was also to call before a certain time of the night to tell me her plans for either getting home or staying over.