Communication problem with 23yo son

[Nashelle]

Not sure if I'm posting this is right place or even if I can explain things properly. My 23yo son iscaway at uni and doing well. It's my husbands 60th birthday and we are with our 2 sons (the other is 19) in Spain. 23yo Sam is non communicative. Ask him a basic question and he can barely answer. It's as if he begrudges every word. I feel that I irritate him. When he decides to talk I'm expected to listen and when he decides topic is closed it's closed. If I say too much he will tell me to shut up. My nerves are on edge. I don't have a problem chatting to other people.
This is not a new problem but I've made things worse this time by confronting him when we were out, I asked him what right he had to be so rude to me? He blamed me for interupting him with stupid nonsense (I thought we were having a conversation). I got upset in the street. I couldnt stop the tears after that. What I've gathered from his messages to me after is that he's not my girlie best friend, that I should listen to him and not comment. I should do parent stuff like help him, feed him etc but not to try to chat to him. I feel rejected. I find it hard to be around someone with whom you have to monitor yourself. And I wonder if I overstepped a boundary with him. My husband is no support. Last night when we were alone he said this is his worst birthday and he might as well be dead. My 19yo has been a darling but I can't put a burden on him. I'd appreciate any response. Thank you.

To answer your question, TheSolitary, they sound like products of their environs! It's the switching on amd off of manners that gives it wway. I've been round and round in circles with this issue and there have been times when a diagnosis of any sort would have been welcomed. But the one thing me and DH haven't done is lay down the law. DH is even softer than I am, and I have tried. But DS1 is 23 and I will be talking to him before he comes home.

A semi-rhetroical question: why are so many parents scared their children won't love them? My parents never worried if my hother and I loved them. It seems like any hardship we had as kids we extra hard not to let our kids have any. And this is7s where we end up....

Yes Nashelle. DC's will know deep down you love them. You don't need to keep proving it, it's there inside. I have huge bust ups with mine, it worries me, but I know they know I am there for them 100%

That's the thing about a diagnosis - it's all about balance. DH ( DS was diagnosed aged 9) sees no need for a diagnosis - part of the problem is that he doesn't see the problem. There's an experiment in which aspie children will fail to realise that a doll should look for her baby doll in the place she left it if the child but not the doll has seen another doll moving it . Inability to see another point of view - literally in this case.

People with aspergers often are unsociable. I'm not but I know I present as 'quirky' and I'm an introvert. I was awful to my DM until I was probably in my twenties I thought she knew nothing worth knowing and led a very dull life. IME many people with aspergers though otherwise gentle often have anger issues - and might not even realise. DS is quick to blame other people - nothing is ever his fault. Because when he realises something really is his fault he will be very angry at himself.

It's all very tricky.

Yes and seeing that thete are x amount of personality types couples with hormones, nature and nurture and everything flippin else it is very tricky!

Have you considered counselling for the family - probably without DS1? They might be able to help you understand your family dynamics. I wouldn't think it's just a simple case of you being too soft with your DS and even if it were it would be helpful to understand why you (all) behave the way you do.

Roussette, my insecurities go back to my chilhood I know and my own parents disinterest. God, I should have had counseling and ditched the baggage before I had kids!

DS had gone back to uni and is killing me not to message him. But I'm not going to. I'm here if he needs me and I have to trust that he knows this.

Final piece of advice! I'm a soft touch like yourself. I've found meditation and mindfulness very helpful for dealing with stuff. Nothing like sitting still with nothing happening but your feelings and thoughts to change the way you think, feel and react. Well, change a bit.

Be kind to yourself. Talk to yourself in the same kindly way you talk to other people - we are all equally deserving of happiness. We should probably all have had counselling before having children. All this modern-day pressure to be the perfect parent; well there's no such thing.

Take the advice of the posters who encouraged you to do stuff for yourself. Have some fun and relaxation - you deserve it.

Family counselling would be a big no no especially as three out of four of us think there is no problem except my nagging. But I am going to see someone on my own. I used to meditate but I'm out of practise. Time to try again perhaps. Sitting on top of a mountain might do just as well :)

Nashelle Fri 01-Apr-16 21:00:20

"A semi-rhetroical question: why are so many parents scared their children won't love them? My parents never worried if my hother and I loved them"

Sounds like you have put your finger right on the spot there. Not feeling sure of your parents' love has messed with your self esteem and made it harder to be relaxed in the trust of your dh's and dc's love.

It is bound to be easier for those of us who have grown up surrounded by families who know how to show love and take love for granted.

But you can do things about it: this whole thread shows how aware you are and willing to think about things.