Communication problem with 23yo son

[Nashelle]

Not sure if I'm posting this is right place or even if I can explain things properly. My 23yo son iscaway at uni and doing well. It's my husbands 60th birthday and we are with our 2 sons (the other is 19) in Spain. 23yo Sam is non communicative. Ask him a basic question and he can barely answer. It's as if he begrudges every word. I feel that I irritate him. When he decides to talk I'm expected to listen and when he decides topic is closed it's closed. If I say too much he will tell me to shut up. My nerves are on edge. I don't have a problem chatting to other people.
This is not a new problem but I've made things worse this time by confronting him when we were out, I asked him what right he had to be so rude to me? He blamed me for interupting him with stupid nonsense (I thought we were having a conversation). I got upset in the street. I couldnt stop the tears after that. What I've gathered from his messages to me after is that he's not my girlie best friend, that I should listen to him and not comment. I should do parent stuff like help him, feed him etc but not to try to chat to him. I feel rejected. I find it hard to be around someone with whom you have to monitor yourself. And I wonder if I overstepped a boundary with him. My husband is no support. Last night when we were alone he said this is his worst birthday and he might as well be dead. My 19yo has been a darling but I can't put a burden on him. I'd appreciate any response. Thank you.

It's a bit like sibling rivalry, 'you haven't eadhed up today so I'm not' sort of thing. It's completely stupid really. No girlfriend but he's flying abroad soon to see a girl he met online a while ago. I'm feeling bad for talking about him now. He's just not very grown up yet for his age.

PS I don't know a lot about my DS1 actually, he's very self contained. This too makes coversing hard. Oh well... keep smiling!

No, not keep smiling.

Address it.

The correct response to the washing up thing is "DS, I've asked you to wash up. Please do the washing up"

The end.

Blimey. You really don't want to address this don't you? You and DH really need to grow some balls.

Stop making excuses for him - if he is immature then you need to stop treating him like a child.

"hes just not very grown up for his age"maybe because you are still acting as if he's a child rather than a grown MAN!
Even posting in the teenagers section.
Accept he's an adult and expect appropriate behaviour.
You will be doing him a massive favour.

You just cannot help some people.

He's 23?

He can fuck off until he can treat you with greater regard than something he just stepped in.

And he can make his own sandwiches.

He is a 23 year old man-not a teenager.

My 19 year old wouldn't talk to me like that. And if he did I wouldn't be crying. I'd either laugh out loud at his expectation of my listening to him pontificate on and not talking or I'd tell him to cop on to himself and fuck off. in those words.

You have a real problem here. Not sure why I am writing this because you won't pay any attention but you are going to have a miserable life if he moves in, entitled, jobless, and expecting "Parenting" (also known as servanting) from you.

God, to think some day some woman who thinks as little of herself as you do of yourself will marry him - providing fodder for the next generation of Relationships postings on MN.

Yes I'm wondering why a 23 year old wants to be parented?

He is 23 and will have to get a job after uni. He can start at McDonalds or temping to pay the rent and then look for a graduate job. Why would you let an adult who treats you so bad live under your roof? Why is he asking you for food? Are you paying for this holiday? What an ungrateful, horrible man.

OP I have started to dread that I may well be posting the same in a year.

I mean this in the nicest way.
But you are a massive problem here.
Why would he become an adult when you baby him so much? What's his deadline for finding a job? How long are you willing to financially support him for?

I think the fact you posted this in teenagers is telling. You see your son as a child, you treat him as a child, he acts like a child. No doubt aided and abetted by the example set by your husband, who seems to be your third child...

Break the cycle. Set some boundaries. Do what you want to do. This dynamic has to change.

Perhaps you SHOULD consider moving out yourself.

Op won't be back as she wanted advice on communicating with Her teenager who turned out to be a grown atsed man.
What a shame for him that he's been allowed to become such a wanker which will now invariably remain for his adult life.
Op , if you are reading Id seek some counselling to help you lose the fear of losing your chikdren simply by standing up to them.

You know what you did well to tell him how you felt he sounds horrible and disrepectful to you if my 22yrold told me to shut up i would be livid and she can be full of herself sometimes .

OP this is classic. You are upset, you post, you get a wake up call from everyone on here, you minimise and start saying he isn't that bad. He is.

How dare he say he isn't washing up because you havent today. I would be saying well, I won't be cooking for you today as you haven't for me. And while we're at it I won't be washing your clothes as you don't do mine. Two can play at that game. Your son is playing manipulative games with you. If you let him get away with that sort of answer, you only have yourself to blame for what happens in the future.

If this was a 17yo I might answer slightly differently as there's still some growing up to do, but your DS is through Uni, he is an adult, he needs to support himself and he needs to be very grateful that his parents are letting him stay at home while he pursues a job.

Stop backtracking OP. This is just what my friend with the sons used to do when it became obvious they were treating her like shit. She was an expert at changing the subject with me when reality hit her with how her sons behaved. The thing is, her sons (probably like yours) weren't all out drug taking pissheads smashing up the house or hurling abuse at her. However, they treated her like something on their shoe, the younger son learnt from the oldest. She never stood up to them and so they were able to put her down and treat her like the lowest of the low. As long as she cooks their favourite meals and does what she's told, everything is hunky dory when they are home. They are now entitled boorish idiots because they've never been pulled up about anything at home. When I visit and they are there, it's like they are royalty deigning to pay their family a visit. I pity the poor women they end up marrying.

Wake up OP... you need to sort this.

No way on this earth would I have him live in my home. If he deems you so unworthy and him so bloody clever he can fend for himself. And so he should.

'Yes I'm wondering why a 23 year old wants to be parented?'

Being an adult is hard work. Being a child usually means you have little power but a lot of security and care. He's got the best of both worlds; cared for like a child and yet not subject to any control on his behaviour.
Why would he want the situation to change? It works beautifully for him and that is all that matters to him.

I am back and I am listening. Spent hours atvairport last night. Flight delayed. Got home 3am.

The plan is... let DS1 go back to uni and do his final papers. No more Skypeing or fb messages because I'm his mother not his freind. Before he comes home or when he arrives I am going to tell him what I expect from him when he lives here.

My husband is a third child. I do too much for him. He has a teenage attitude too. God I don't know how I ended up here! My fear is that they wont take me seriously and then I will have to take drastic action. A strike perhaps.

My husbands stepson lived here once when my boys were little. He drank and took perscriprion drugs like they were sweets. Husband had head in sand and left me to cope with it on my own. I gave stepson an ultimatum to leave house, he wouldnt take me seriously but I stuck to it and an argument ensued. Husband let stepson sleep in shed and he died there. No one knows if it was suicide or not but DH is afraid to rock any boats incase something like this happens again.

Re moving out - I've seriously considered it and still am. Not worked out logistics yet. It would have to be short term, like a job away or a writing retreat because I don't really want to leave my home. It's the first secure place I've had since I left my parents house. I used to live in bedsits and grotty flats and moved 18 times in as many years.

You would be shocked if I told you everything I let the three of them get away with and I would feel embarrassed because I didnt class myself as subservient. Rod for own back comes to mind. I know a good counsellor I saw when DS2 had problems, I will book an appointment.

Wavingnow I hope you don't have to post here on the same subject...

Nashelle I feel for you, given what you have just written.

However, don't stop the skyping and FB messages, I skype and FB mine all the time, why wouldn't you? No, you aren't his friend, you are his Mother, but why cut communication like that? You need to build a proper relationship with your DS, not destroy it totally.