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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

18th & 14th Birthday angst

16 replies

FrancesNiadova · 26/03/2016 15:52

DS 1 is 18 & has asked for an Xbox 1 for his birthday. It's a special birthday, so DH & I have agreed, (& we've got him one....ssshhhhh!)
Anyway, DS 2 says he'd like a PS4 for his 14th birthday. His friend has just had one for his 14th & his other friend is having one for his.
We just don't have the money. Simple. Also, DS1 is having a special birthday 3 weeks before DS 2's. So, after lots of angst & tears, DS 2 asked if he could have money from us, money from Grandma and Grandad, money from Aunts & Uncles & use some of his bank book money.
I thought that this was a reasonable compromise, but DH disagrees & feels that DS2 argues & gets upset until he gets what he wants, (there is some truth in this). He feels that DS1 never asked for anything & that him getting an Xbox 1 should be big & special & not, "little brother has had similar too."
I feel like pig in the middle.
WWYD? I thought a gift of £100 for DS 2 + he uses all his other gifts from relatives + some savings would teach him the value of it.
Am I wrong on this one?

OP posts:

OzzieFem · 26/03/2016 21:06

So your son is requesting money off all his relatives instead of presents they feel they can afford? This I find is a bit rude, and just because his two friends are getting PS4's for their 14th birthdays, (hope you have double checked that by the way) he should get one as well?

Frankly I would say no, if he has also used emotional blackmail to try and get his way instead of a more rational discussion. You need to end this type of manipulation before it gets worse. I'm supporting your husband on this one.

Original poster

FrancesNiadova · 26/03/2016 23:10

Yes, Ozzie, I do think that you're right really. His friends do have PS4s, & DH, DS1, DS2 & I all have birthdays within a month of each other. DS2s Birthday is the last one of the four.
I'm making a Lindsay cake for DS1s 18th, DS2 wants....a pinata cake. I can make one of those easily though.
Relatives all tend to send a cheque rather than buy presents, so it wouldn't be too bad not to get something first & just present him with the cheques.
However, I do feel that there's some emotional blackmail in there too.
It's so hard.

OP posts:

Meloncoley2 · 27/03/2016 02:30

Well, if relatives send cheques anyway, surely it is his money to spend? Unless the money in his bank account is supposed to be for a long term plan, I don't see the problem. As you suggest, I think he will value it more if he sees the hole it makes in his savings.

dlwelly · 27/03/2016 02:41

I think that seems very fair and very thoughtful of your son. He knows you can't afford the PS4 and has come up with a solution to get it rather than throw a strop about it!

DS1 probably won't mind that they'll have similar presents at the end of it and I'm sure there will be lots of other things that make his big birthday special!

Groovee · 27/03/2016 10:13

I think he's offered a fair compromise. We did this for my sons PS4 when they were more expensive.

Sallyhasleftthebuilding · 27/03/2016 10:25

DS wanted an XBox and saved his Christmas money and all relatives sent birthday money along with friends - he had enough - just - we paid a bit extra for a game -

I don't see the issue - they get what they want with their money -

His sisters wanted a camera and an IPad - which they spent their money on -

It's not a competition it's just the stuff they want

rogueantimatter · 27/03/2016 11:59

I'd give him the amount of money that you can afford and he can put it towards a PS4 if that's what he wants to do.

rogueantimatter · 27/03/2016 12:01

Your DS1 son will still have a more special birthday as he will get the present from you and money from relatives. The total amount of fuss made over his birthday will be greater IYSWIM.

bigTillyMint · 27/03/2016 16:51

Tricky and I can empathise with the difficulty of coping with pushing to get what he wants - my DS used to do that in a very jarring way, but now has a much more reasonable way of going about getting what he wants, or even agreeing that he doesn't need it yet, etc!!!

I would go with giving your DS2 the money and then leave it up to him as to what he spends it on. And making your DS1's big birthday as special as possible.

And what is a Lindsay cake? I am guessing a piñata cake is one of those ones with sweets hidden inside?!

bruffin · 27/03/2016 17:02

I agree with your dh.
My dc are 2 yrs 5 days apart. When ds was 18 got a nice watchdd was 16 and didnt get anything special.2 yrs later she got some jewellery of her choice.
(My birghday is also that week and dha is less than 3 weeks before mine , very expensive time of year)

Sallyhasleftthebuilding · 27/03/2016 17:56

Having thought about this - is this your issue where you feel the older one deserves a "special" present but the younger one doesn't because he's not 18 yet?

You want them to be equals?

There 13 months between me and DSis and my mom wouldn't have pulled off this stunt, but it was always DSis saying "I'm the oldest so should get X y and z first!" Even when younger sis had a baby she wailed it's not fair!!

LucyLocketLostHerPocket · 27/03/2016 18:05

I don't really see the issue here. DC1 will get a big expensive present as a gift plus presumably gifts/chequers from relatives to spend as he wishes. DC2 will get some money from you plus cheques from relatives as usual that he can put with some savings to buy what he wants. What's the problem? Everyone has what they want but one has had to contribute towards it as it's not a 'big' birthday. Sounds normal to me.

Original poster

FrancesNiadova · 28/03/2016 01:15

Thanks for all of your replies.
I do think that DS 2 using his birthday money & some savings is a good compromise, but I also see DH' s pov that he's trying to get what DS1 is having.
I do feel for DS2, 4 birthdays within 4 weeks & his is last. He has to sit & watch everyone open their presents before he gets his. Up until being about 10 we used to get him something to open so he didn't feel left out.
He should feel special on his birthday & I'll make sure that he does..His piñata cake will be a Victoria sponge with jam & butter cream. I've just finished decorating the other one so am off to bed now. Big day tomorrow!
I do agree with the comment that his birthday should still be special & if he's paying for part of it, he will realise the value of it.
Thanks everyone.

OP posts:

Original poster

FrancesNiadova · 28/03/2016 10:02

DS's piñata cake!

OP posts:

TeddTess · 28/03/2016 10:10

if you would spend £100 on DS2's present and are happy to give him £100 then do that

then he gets the money from relatives as he normally would and adds that to the £100

if he has enough for a PS4 (unlikely?) he can get it. if he doesn't have enough he saves it and waits until he has enough - earns it? I wouldn't let him dip into bank money (where did it come from, is it money you have put in or him?)

Sallyhasleftthebuilding · 28/03/2016 11:36

but I also see DH' s pov that he's trying to get what DS1 is having.

All kids what these game consoles - it's not unusual!

DS is 11 all his friends have an Xbox one - so they can link up and play together - I think your DH is over thinking it!

DD1 has an iPad DD2 wanted one - she used her birthday money - her choice - it would be unreasonable to say she can't have one because DD1 has one!

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