The Things My Teenagers Can't Do

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I have got two teenage sons aged 13 and 15. Today I have realised, in a flash of fear and parental self-loathing, that they cannot do the following things. Or if they can, I've never seen them prove it.

1. Make themselves a cooked meal. Of any sort. Except porridge.
2. Change their bedding.
3. Wake themselves up in the morning.
4. Wash a car.
5. Hoover a house.
6. Clean a toilet/shower/sink/bath.
7. Put themselves to bed at night.
8. Put a wash on.
9. Empty the washing machine. Hang clothes on line/put in tumble dryer.

10. Pack for a holiday. 11. Remember to brush their teeth/brush their hair/PUT ON CLEAN BL**DY CLOTHES.

OH MY GOD. I AM A TERRIBLE PARENT. Can everybody else's teenage sons do these things? If you look at Facebook it seems like everyone else's teenage sons are always beautifully dressed with lovely haircuts and shiny teeth and are constantly going out for lunch with their mums/posting photos of their whole family having fun, once they've finished doing the dishes, tidying their rooms, washing the car, helping their Dad with the DIY and arranging their own work experience at five different hospitals which will ensure they have a successful future career in brain surgery.

Anyone got any tips for how to make sure my boys can do these things by the time they leave home? Or anyone want to share generally about all the things their teenagers can't do to make me feel better???

Should add - mine are definitely not the smiley, perfect kids that get posted on Facebook!

Mine can do all these and much more (17 and 14)
In fact they both cook more often than I do, and I leave the house before they are up, so they have to get themselves up and out, and I expect the house to be in a pretty reasonable state when I get home.

My son's best friend can't do anything on your list, and is totally babied by his mum, and my son has decided that they are not sharing accommodation at Uni because of it!!.

My DBRO 14 can do everything on your list and does them, too. Last Sunday he cooked the family a roast dinner! But my mum has to work late evenings so he is used to doing a lot for himself. As for remembering to brush his teeth and his hair, he's probably more image conscious than I am .

But don't worry OP, DP's mum did literally everything for him until he left home at 18 (I mean everything - she went into his room and made his bed for him every morning!) and he can do all of your list now - he learned at university. In fact he does more housework than me, as I am a slattern.

Interesting, thank you everyone.

I mean that I have to nag them into going to bed. They have never yawned, said, 'Hmmm, I'm tired and I have a busy day at school tomorrow. Time to put the phone down and get myself off for a long refreshing sleep', then walked upstairs, got undressed, put their dirty clothes in the laundry, had a wash, brushed their teeth and popped into bed and turned off the light.

They both do a lot of sport and spend a lot of time out of the house. I suppose I have always thought at weekends, when they get in from matches/training sessions, it's more important that they get a shower and get their homework done, and have some family time and down time, than that I ask them to do the cleaning or whatever.

I realise that I have been backward in encouraging their independence and that's why I've asked this question. You all seem quite proud of having got your teenagers on the path to doing everything for themselves (except Wineandchov... and I'm very grateful to you for your honesty). I am going to start from today, with the washing, when I get home from work.

Sadik, we don't allow their phones in their bedrooms so they can't use those to wake them up, but they do have alarm clocks. They just ignore them. Perhaps I should leave them to it and not feel worried about them being late to school, or missing school altogether. It's hard to know what to do sometimes for the best isn't it.

Thank you all.

At 11 and 13 mine can do all of those except 8, and that's because I've never tried to show them. However, they will only Hoover and clean in extreme emergencies or maternal illness. They actually enjoy washing the car and have to cook once a week in the school holidays, which they do without complaint. Thankfully they get themselves up and put themselves to bed without any complaint and have done for years. They also pack for holidays and have done for a while (though I do always check that dd(11) has put underwear in). I think I'm fairly soft on them as they have no regular chores, which seems unusual at their age, but they have a busy extra-curricular schedule as well as homework and music practice.

Mine are 16 and 14 and they can do them all, except washing a car (they can Hoover one, but I just go to the car wash rather than wash mine myself).

But in practice the housework ones they only do do in the holidays, when it is accepted that there will be two Chores Of The Day and they will do one each. Maybe that approach would work for you too?

In relation to bedding, isn't it just more, erm, discreet all round if you prompt them to do their own at the weekend?

DD's phone lives on a bookshelf outside her bedroom door - hence she has to get out of bed to shut it up!

Also, think about moving the alarm clocks across the room so they have to get up and turn them off. And if they still need you shouting as a back up, do it a little later each day so that it inconveniences them and they take on the responsibility themselves? They really need to get themselves up, presumably they manage it on school trips and sports tours.

Also, they need to learn to wash and dry up and load/empty the dishwasher if you have one.

I don't mean to sound like an arse, but I just don't see how anyone can reach 15 without knowing how to do those things........

She also has a school bus, which is useful in that it's an external factor - ie, either she gets the bus or she doesn't, she can't be a bit late, IYKWIM.

If she were to miss it, there's another 15 mins later which still gets in in time, but she'd get grief from the bus driver as they're not meant to catch it (serves another village, it's just the bus station is down the road from us), so fear of embarrasment does the trick.

As you can see, I have given this a lot of thought.

I WILL NOT turn out two more hopeless men children into the world.

I. WILL. NOT!!

I think sometimes the only way to go is by not shouting or punishing but allowing consequences to happen.

Ds1 is 16 and in college so he starts at different times every day. The college is also affiliated with the football team he plays for. If he has an early match he has to get up in time to get on the mini bus that takes them to the game. If he isn't there, the bus goes. No waiting, no questions asked. It just leaves.
It took one time of missing a match for him to realise he needs to leave himself enough time to get there.

Same with washing. In my house if it doesn't go in the laundry basket it isn't washed. If you know you need a clean shirt or football kit, it's up to you to put a wash on. Because when you tell me at 7.05 that you needed your kit for 7.30 but it's sitting on your bedroom floor...I will laugh at you and continue to get ready for work. Which I can do because I know my work stuff is ready

Good luck . Dd still needs reminding / helping to pack her school bag so we have a long way to go but I think if they need to they will.

There is a difference though between knowing how to do all these things and having to do them all the time.
When DC are at school/college full time and then have homework or other activities in the evening I fully agree with you scatter that it's more important that they get a shower and get their homework done, and have some family time and down time, than that I ask them to do the cleaning or whatever.

I vividly remember as a teen having to do the lion's share of cooking and housework because of the long hours my parents worked. I didn't want that for my DC. Equally I don't want young men who can't clean a toilet. So they have been taught all of the chores but I don't enforce much.

On the going to bed. DS2 (almost 18)loves his bed and will be off at 9pm on school nights. DS1 is positively nocturnal but is an adult and entitled to make that choice. I never got them up for school much past the age of 11.

My dc can all do all of the above list except laundry. Dc1 wants me to show him so that he can take care of his own things. They are not expected to do these regularly as we feel schoolwork, friendships, sporting commitments and down time are more important.
They are all responsible for their personal space so I don't enter bedrooms, this means we occasionally need a cup/plate amnesty which they have to wash up but other than that they aren't expected to do housework.
They have all helped to paint their bedrooms, put together flat pack and create shelving, wardrobes etc from scratch so hopefully will be self sufficient when they leave home.

I feel sometimes I should be making them do housework as per facebook/Mn updates but put it down to mothers guilt and carry on doing it my way as I have three happy, healthy and capable teens and that's what is important to me.

Ds is 13 almost 14 and can do everything on the list. That's not to say that he ever does it willingly!
Saying that, he's taking a huge interest in cooking and eating healthily these days, often making the main meal for the family and makes his lunch every day (this usually involves a wrap filled with chicken-which he cooks, and a mix of salad veg). How long this will last I don't know, but I'm not knocking it!

I have 3 teens (19, 17, and 14 now, so, thinking back to 15 an 13 ages....)

1. Make themselves a cooked meal. Of any sort. Except porridge. All do this at least once a week each
2. Change their bedding. Don't make a habit of it, but could , if pushed
3. Wake themselves up in the morning ds has been a nightmare for this (although manages at University, or for his early shifts at his PT job), but both dds are very good
4. Wash a car Have done hundreds over the years with cubs and Scouts - that's the only time they do it, but then, that's prob the only time ours ever get washed.
5. Hoover a house Never asked / expected them to do the whole house, but all know how to use it
6. Clean a toilet/shower/sink/bath ds has learned since leaving home / having his own bath/shower - never did/do at 13 or 15
7. Put themselves to bed at night eh ? Doesn't everyone from about aged 8 ?
8. Put a wash on I think all have done under my specific instructions at one time or another, but don't tend to very often - no need, it's one and running before they get up usually
9. Empty the washing machine. Hang clothes on line/put in tumble dryer Yes, all can do / do do this

10. Pack for a holiday Yes - all have done this for camp from when started going away with cubs, holidays just followed on from there - initially they'd pack and I'd check, then I stopped checking around aged 10 or 11 11. Remember to brush their teeth/brush their hair/PUT ON CLEAN BL**DY CLOTHES. Yup. More of an issue that they put things in the wash that don't need washing.

Op I am with you on the phones, mine aren't allowed theirs in their rooms, so ds does have an alarm clock. I also go in and say good morning at the time he is supposed to get up.
To be fair he is pretty good about getting up. I am dreading dd starting secondary next year as she isn't a morning person.

I am not sure that most of us are proud that our teens do it, rather the responses have been yes then can, when forced, it is like getting blood out of a stone.

As to making them go to bed, ds would stay up all night if I didn't kick him up the stairs.

Ds 17 can no none of the above but he can make a Bombay Badboy pot noodle. Daughter14 can do all of the above. Enough said.

I do find some of the posts on here deeply depressing- particularly in the light of the frequent "I blame my MIL" posts on other threads.................

My DD15 can do all on this list, she just chooses not to LOL.
I think it is partly my fault too, allowing her to grow up as a princess. I am trying to work on it, but mostly unsuccessfully. She is lovely in other ways most of the time, though :) Don't despair, I think they will learn when needs must.

Well, to update, last night after work/school I asked DS15 to put on a white wash. Without any further explanation or complaint, he went upstairs, sorted the whites in the laundry basket out, brought them down, put them in the machine, popped the washing gel stuff and fabric conditioner in the correct places and asked me whether to wash the load on a 50 delicates or 60 cotton.

I asked DS13 to empty the dishwasher and, later, to transfer the stuff from the washing machine to the tumble dryer. Again, with no complaints or explanation, he did both, except to ask which programme to use on the tumble dryer. When the tumble dryer beeped later on, he got up (from watching TV), emptied the clothes into a basket and then asked what he should do with them. I showed him how to fold them (doing the majority myself while he looked on doing nothing, but hopefully learning).

Last night at bedtime I did have to tell them to go up to bed, and I did remind them to set their alarm clocks. This morning I did not remind them to get up, or washed, or showered. They were both up, washed and dressed in good time and made their own breakfasts, as they usually do, then stacked their own stuff in the dishwasher and DS15 had the sense to put it on a rinse cycle. DS13 did leave sticky juice cartons on the table but, well, that didn't seem too bad.

So it turns out they are not totally useless after all, and that I have not totally ruined them by doing things for them up until now. Thank goodness I realised quite how much I was doing before it got too late.

I've thought about it and cooking, cleaning chores and bed changing I am going to leave until the Easter holidays, since they are both away at half term, and then embed as holiday and weekend rituals.

Thank you all so much for responding to my post and making me realise that I need to spend the teenage years making sure that they have some everyday education and abilities to go alongside their academic, sporting and other successes/interests/life preparations. Hopefully I will stick with it and ensure that I turn out two young men who are responsible and aware in most if not all departments.

:)

Mine can do all of those (even the 12 year old) - they very rarely do most of them, and for some of the jobs how well they would be done is a matter for debate.
3, 7 and 11 are probably the only ones they do regularly.

I now pronounce myself a success if this is all it takes to graduate from Mum School.