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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

I actually cannot to this anymore

20 replies

powerfail · 27/01/2016 08:43

Dd is awful. She is verbally and physically abusive. She throws things at me, calls me names, pushes me, has hit me. She calls me names, pathetic, stupid, selfish.

According to her it is my fault because i annoy her, ive brought it on myself, i make her angry (by ever disciplining her) ive ruined her life etc. She now apparently hates herself because i asked her to look at how she was treating me.

I'm fed up of being scared in my own home and walking on egg shells.
Two years i have had of this crap. 😢

OP posts:
Original poster
powerfail · 27/01/2016 08:45

P.s We are waiting to see Camhs and have been waiting months. :(

OP posts:
PurpleWithRed · 27/01/2016 08:45

I am so sorry, I have nothing to add but a hug, and hope someone helpful will come along soon.

flanjabelle · 27/01/2016 08:49

Until you get the appointment I would detach for your own sanity. Step back and interact as little as possible. Cut down the dialogue so there are less opportunities for her to attack you verbally, avoid her so there are less opportunities for her to attack you physically. Just take a major step back and start focusing on your needs for a little while. make sure she is fed, has the things she needs, but detach emotionally until you get some more support.

Walk away if she is rude, walk away if she is aggressive, walk away if she is unpleasant in any way. Once you get the support you can try again. How old is she op?

Peevedquitter · 27/01/2016 08:50

As much as teens are stroppy this is obviously more.

Do you have any idea why her behaviour has become like this at all. It won't sadly solve it but may help get it off your chest.

My friends DS plays up every time his pathetic absent Father attempts contact. But then regular as clockwork lets the child down again.

Wineandchovolateneededasap · 27/01/2016 08:55

My DD is similar so I feel your pain she's been seeing camhs for years but won't engage Sad.
How long has she been like this and is it just the two of you?

Original poster
powerfail · 27/01/2016 09:03

Just the two of us. Dad has been absent for just under a decade.
She is 13
She used to be absoloutely lovely and so well behaved. I would say things started to really change around nine or ten despite no obvious reason and have built up to this level of aggression.
She hates school but no issues there. She hates being told what to do and its all boring and pointless.

OP posts:
t875 · 27/01/2016 09:16

Hi OP
Hormones definitely contribute after going through a pretty turbulent 13/14 with my dd. you could tell she was all over the place. Every thing was getting to her and she was massively over whelmed to the point of panic attacks and leaving her classes. We are on the road now of calmer and better still taking it slowly.

Can I suggest a books that was very good. Get out of my room and also the teenage brain was a good book. Really helpful. I think even you can get samples on a kindle for free not sure though.

I'm with the other lady. I would take a step back.
I would also ask her friends mums what she is like outside the home maybe they can ask their dd
Has she told you what's wrong? I would check her computer/ social media messages there may be a issue with friends going on that she isn't talking about or any other issues. They look into so much at this age.

My dd best friend was extremely down and telling my dd the whole deep feeling about it all and was pulling my dd down when we realised this we stopped all chat with her friend outside school and didn't encourage anything out of school. We keep an eye on this friend she talks to her now after school but we don't encourage more than that.

Check what she is looking at on her computer. Is any of her friends going through anything traumatic. Check her history on what she looks at, is anyone giving her grief at school. Is she struggling with school?

Our dd is a lot better now her anxiety and despair was she felt very over whelmed in lessons and some very negative not very helpful teachers didn't help her which started her off with anxiety and panic attacks.
Like I said she is doing better now but she seems to have calmed more herself and all doesn't seem so crazy around her thoughts.
We check in with her we also have got her doing the art therapy books get her out of her room as she can go in herself we play family games she has lot more excersise more fruit veg. Also have got her to deep breathing.

All the very best for you dd hope this phase passes. MIND we're also very good for me to talk too about it all.
Take care xx

Original poster
powerfail · 27/01/2016 09:32

All she does online is play minecraft and watch stampy videos. I do monitor as she was very silly at a friends last year and was talking to someone she did not know online. Angry She doesn't use social media.

She doesn't really go out much apart from afterschool club plus two out of school things.

No bullying at school, she gets support, shes making progress and moving up sets. She has had homework reduced as she wasn't coping with the amount. She was also lying she was in homework club and she wasn't she was in detention for not doing homework.

OP posts:
flanjabelle · 27/01/2016 12:17

I stand by my advice, detach. Tell her you love her, but that you will not let her treat you this way. Tell her you are there for her if she needs to talk, but that you won't be called names, physically attacked etc. Then walk away and take the huge step back.

I know it goes against your instincts as a mother, you must want to fix this and make it all better, but sometimes that plan won't work. All that will happen is you will be worn down to a point where you cannot cope any longer. Step back now, but make sure she knows she is loved and can come to you to talk when she is ready.

t875 · 27/01/2016 13:44

Our daughter also went through a stage of wanting to lose weight And she had joined a website called Anna boot camp diet and pro Anna. Seriously how can this even show up on google. Encouraging kids to starve!! We locked it down.
We have blocked this now
Please be aware of these sites!!

Original poster
powerfail · 27/01/2016 14:31

Thank you all,
I am going to have to detach as honestly I am going to have a breakdown if I don't. I am basically in a domestically violent relationship with a child and I refuse to do that.

I am cross you can reach breaking point, go to the GP for help at your very lowest point and still be left months and months.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 27/01/2016 14:35

I would go back to the GP again and again. I'm so sorry you're in this situation - you're right, it is domestic violence. Could you say to your doctor that you urgently need respite?

Kitchencrayon · 27/01/2016 14:45

OP I'm not in the same situation, I just have toddlers. However, my friend has a 13 year old and exactly the same thing has happened with him, but almost over night. He's lovely to me but I know he's not to her when she's on her own with him or when he's with his father/her husband, who incidentally is a psychiatrist.

So, not that it changes your situation, but you're not alone.

flanjabelle · 27/01/2016 14:56

Its ok to do that op. it doesn't mean you are giving up, it doesn't mean you don't care, it doesn't mean you aren't a good mum. At the end of the day if you have a break down you won't be able to help her at all. Like I said, look after yourself for a little while, put your feelings first.

In the meantime, keep pushing for that referral. Would you consider asking social services for some help? I know it sounds scary, but they can often access help for you.

iPaid · 28/01/2016 15:18

I have never hit DD but if I felt I was, as the OP describes, in a 'domestically violent relationship' with my 13 year old I would:

(a) call the police
or
(b) give her a taste of her own medicine and slap her right back.

Fourormore · 28/01/2016 15:24

In terms of the power struggle, I'd recommend reading The Explosive Child.

What are you wanting CAMHS to do? Have you had a look to see whether there are any charities in your area that offer counselling for teens? Or had a look into private family therapy? CAMHS have a very hit or miss reputation in my experience.

JustDanceAddict · 29/01/2016 10:13

You shouldn't have to put up with that. My DD is same age and I would be seeking some resolution through GP and/or parenting books. A good one is Divas and Doorslammers. Mine is currently on loan!! I had my worst time with DD when she was in years 5/6. She has been less confrontational in secondary, although other issues have risen to the fore it's not 'against' me. That's the bit I find very hard as its so personal. I think dealing with everything in a calm manner helps a lot - I have reduced shouting down to a minimal amount and it massively helps with harmonious relations with her and DS. I still sometimes get told I'm 'annoying' or 'I hate you' and I say, that's a shame, or just ignore it as it has no power. Hard to train yourself to though.

JustDanceAddict · 29/01/2016 10:13

And don't hit back - seriously, it is the worst thing you can do.

Darrowisred · 31/01/2016 07:44

Power just to add some support, my dd is older but as you describe and I also feel as if I am in an abusuvd relationship. I'm afraid I don't have any advice, just letting you know you are not alone. X

Darrowisred · 31/01/2016 07:44

Abusive I mean!

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