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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Leaving teenagers at home during family holiday

101 replies

mull66 · 12/01/2016 20:42

DD1 15 (16 this summer) insists that she is old enough not to go on family holiday. Personally I do not feeling comfortable leaving her as is simply too young. Would love to go somewhere with the family but she says she hates us and wants to stay at home and work to get money for festival spending etc. have asked my friends about this who say they would take their teens on holiday and would never leave them alone for a week but DD1 says that none of her friends are going on family holidays and I know that some of them have already been left alone over night but personally I think that's neglegant parenting. AIBU to make her come on holiday? Have offered her residential course alternatives or staying with grandparents but she says it's lame and she would just leave. What should I do?

OP posts:
Orangeanddemons · 06/02/2016 09:40

I'm a teacher. I hear endless conversations about so and so's parents being away and that means party time. They seem to relish it.

Based on that I would never ever ever leave a 16 year old alone. Even if your dd us introvert, word gets round, and she may be left with a situation she can't control

MajesticWhine · 06/02/2016 10:49

I have teens who don't want to come with us. No way would I leave either of them home alone (or home together). We have tried to pick something they would like and we just tell them they're coming. They are just kids and it is not safe or appropriate to leave them, however much they might moan.

CointreauVersial · 06/02/2016 11:02

You can't generalise!

DS is 16.5, and I wouldn't leave him alone just yet (we've headed off the problem this summer by booking the big US holiday we've been promising for a couple of years). I don't think he'd have a party (doesn't like people "touching his stuff") but I'm not convinced he'd make all the right decisions, and would struggle if anything went wrong. He would probably turn into a nocturnal, pizza-eating gamer, and the house would be a bombsite by the time we got back.

Next year, maybe.

Lightbulbon · 06/02/2016 11:12

If it was legal I'd leave my 13yo.

He'd rather stay home than holiday with us!

No parties, he'd just X box and eat junk-same as usual tbh. If it was a school week he'd still go, just not in clean clothes!

BertrandRussell · 06/02/2016 11:45

It is legal.

leonardthelemming · 06/02/2016 12:08

Orange and demons - I'm a retired teacher and I've known lots of 16-year-olds too. And as I said upthread, we left our younger son, not for two weeks but for two years, while he did his A levels. (Because we were teaching in Lesotho and he didn't want to do the IB - which is what was on offer locally - so returned to England for A levels.) I don't have a problem with 16-year-olds being left alone - on the contrary, it's good for them.

MajesticWhine - do you seriously consider young people of this age to be "just kids"? Are you proposing to throw a switch when they reach 18 and have them suddenly turn into adults? Parenting teens is all about gradually letting go of the reins, and by 16 they should be making their own decisions with parents just giving advice. In Scotland, that's the law. In England we are a bit more flexible.

wishiwasntme - although (because?) our son lived by himself when he was 16, doesn't mean he gave up on family life. We get on famously now (and did then, when we visited). Just because a teenager doesn't want to go on a family holiday, doesn't mean they reject family life completely.

And to all those who would "insist" that they go on holiday with you - how, exactly? Would you drag them, kicking and screaming, into the car/taxi/train/whatever? If they've told you they don't want to go - and have given reasonable notice - then don't be surprised to come downstairs on the morning of the holiday to find they're not there. If you're lucky they may leave you a note. What will you do then? Go on your holiday and worry about them or cancel and wait for them to come back? You really need to resolve this in advance and just "insisting" isn't going to work. An adult discussion might. Ask them to do a risk assessment and come up with a contingency plan for all the things that might go wrong. They will be better prepared and it might even put your mind at rest as well.

MrsTedMosby · 06/02/2016 12:16

We left DS1, 16, when we went on holiday last year. I bought him food for the week (learnt that after my mum left my brother with money and he spent it all on takeaway pizza on the first night for him and his friends!)
I knew he'd be ok though - he's quite unsociable so spent his time playing on various games, reading and watching Doctor Who.
It also meant we didn't have to find anyone to look after the cats when we went away.

It's all very well saying its a family holiday but I know DS would have been bored and miserable and that would have resulted in him picking on his siblings - making a miserable time for everyone.

CalicoBlue · 06/02/2016 13:11

Last year DH and I went away on our own for a week. The younger kids went to stay with their respective parents. DS 17 wanted to stay at home. He was not massively pleased when I told him that my sister (aged 23) was staying for the week. She was going to be at work during the day, but would be there most nights - we did not tell him the ones she would not be there. I cooked lots of meals and left him some cash for food.

It was mostly ok, he had some friends round but no big party. Though he told me when I got home that the back door lock had broken, he did not tell my sister. So for most of the time we were gone the back door was unlocked, agh! I could have sorted it from holiday if he had told me.

He is also refusing to come on the family holiday this year. Not happy about leaving him at home alone, don't trust him to keep the house secure.

PennyHasNoSurname · 06/02/2016 13:16

Any teen who is still in the "I hate you" phase is, imo, too immature to be left home alone.

She either comes.or goes and stays with a relative for the week.

AnyFucker · 06/02/2016 13:23

if I came downstairs on the morning of a holiday and my 16yo was simply "not there" I would consider myself to have utterly failed as a parent

insan1tyscartching · 06/02/2016 13:23

I left my ds's from them being 17 and 16. There have never been any problems but then I didn't expect any or I wouldn't have left them. They didn't want to come unlike now when they are ten years older and often end up joining us for a long weekend.
My friend lives over the road so would have contacted me if there were problems.
Can you lay down some ground rules and warn that a neighbour would be keeping an eye on things?

leonardthelemming · 06/02/2016 14:07

if I came downstairs on the morning of a holiday and my 16yo was simply "not there" I would consider myself to have utterly failed as a parent

Same here. But it never happened to us because we had the adult discussion I referred to earlier.

Tbh, I have never heard of such a situation occurring. I can imagine it though, and if a teenager had been adamant for months that they didn't want to go, and the parents had been refusing to listen and "insisting", then the teenager might just possibly decide it was the only option left.

Travelledtheworld · 06/02/2016 20:07

I refused to go on holiday with my family the year I was 17.
Stayed at home and had my boyfriend to stay over most nights.
Had a great time. Shock

MajesticWhine · 06/02/2016 21:06

Leonardthelemming - sure, fair point, but letting go of the reins would not involve leaving them alone for a week. Not in my book.

leonardthelemming · 06/02/2016 23:09

"Leonardthelemming - sure, fair point, but letting go of the reins would not involve leaving them alone for a week. Not in my book."

So how old would they have to be before you would leave them alone? At 18 they will be legally adult - don't you think they need a bit of practice before they get to that point?

As I said upthread, DS2 lived alone from 16 with no problems. And he isn't the only one to do so. It works.

SausagesAndMashed · 07/02/2016 00:02

The thing is, you know your DD better than any of us here, and if your initial reaction was no, that she should come with you then I think that you don't need to be talked into leaving your child home alone (as you're obviously not comfortable with the idea in the first place). Dh and I first left our DD's when they were 16 and 17. The eldest was already driving, so they were capable of doing a food shop and getting about if they needed to. Apparently they had a great time together, and got along better than when hubby and I are at home. My parents and HD's live within walking distance too, so these were the deciding factors really.

whois · 07/02/2016 00:48

I can't imagine having not wanted to go on the family holiday - sunshine, pool, nice food - what is there not to like? Bit boring sometimes but nice to be in a different place and read/listen to music swim etc.

Hadn't realised how common it is for teenagers of otherwise happy homes not to want to go away.

nooka · 07/02/2016 01:34

I have a 15 and a 16 year old. This summer it looks like they will both be going on trips on their own (ds wants to do a five week language school thing and dd wants to visit relatives). I'm all for independence however I'd not leave them home alone for more than a weekend without a lot of support.

However they generally enjoy being with us and the opportunities that brings, so it's not been an issue. We think that there will probably be one more family holiday to come before ds leaves home for university. After that I'm sure he'll holiday with friends or work in the summers.

There's no way I'd leave either of them to fend for themselves for two years at this point in their lives. dh and I are talking about moving to another country for a while, but we'll wait until our children are at university and independent. Taking massive risks with the last two years of their education seems very unwise to me.

Natsku · 07/02/2016 07:30

There's a good chance the high school in my town will shut down so if my daughter wants to go to high school she'll have to go live by herself at 16. Sometimes you have to take a risk with education.

wannabestressfree · 07/02/2016 07:48

I agree with anyfucker with regard teenagers just opting out but I also think it depends on the child.
My DS1 has asd and significant mental health problems. A holiday is just not a holiday for him. We have to tailor a break for him or leave him. He is perfectly responsible and sees having a big quiet house to himself a holiday for him :)
DS2 is nearly 15 and there is no way I would leave him nor would he ask.

I think the whole 'I hate you' thing would be the tipping point for me. It doesn't exactly show maturity or breed confidence. I would be asking her to come back when she has a proposal for when your away.

foxy6 · 07/02/2016 10:00

We left ds 17 at home last summer. He only had to sort himself and the pets out. He complained when we got home about how much hard work it was Hmm. He appreciated what we do more afterwards.

Claybury · 07/02/2016 14:08

They have never actually done it, but I can imagine if we insisted our teens came away with us against their will that they would drag their feet on the morning of a flight and cause a lot of stress. It is also a waste of money to bring them along when they have no desire to try to enjoy themselves. On our last family holiday DS (18) barely left his hotel room, rarely ate with us, didn't go in the pool at all and never even saw the beach. We could drag him there but we couldn't make him like it.
I do not think I have failed as a parent, I have stubborn teens who have better things to do with their school holidays than hang around with their parents.

Lightbulbon · 07/02/2016 15:20

Why wouldn't they want to go?

My teen hates the idea of a sunshine/pool/beach holiday!

He hates the heat, hates sand and finds the pools too cold. He'd be miserable and would want to share the misery!

whois · 07/02/2016 18:15

My teen hates the idea of a sunshine/pool/beach holiday!

So do lots of adults. Can you go on holidays that they do like some of the time?

Liberated71 · 07/02/2016 18:19

This is why we are "holidaying at home" this year. It's the best all round!