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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Leaving teenagers at home during family holiday

101 replies

mull66 · 12/01/2016 20:42

DD1 15 (16 this summer) insists that she is old enough not to go on family holiday. Personally I do not feeling comfortable leaving her as is simply too young. Would love to go somewhere with the family but she says she hates us and wants to stay at home and work to get money for festival spending etc. have asked my friends about this who say they would take their teens on holiday and would never leave them alone for a week but DD1 says that none of her friends are going on family holidays and I know that some of them have already been left alone over night but personally I think that's neglegant parenting. AIBU to make her come on holiday? Have offered her residential course alternatives or staying with grandparents but she says it's lame and she would just leave. What should I do?

OP posts:

specialsubject · 13/01/2016 14:55

I wouldn't trust a child that smokes - even if it is just nicotine. Too much risk of a fire.

she comes with you or she goes on a different trip that you book. Make sure it is somewhere isolated so 'just leaving' will involve a long, long walk.

with screams of 'I hate you' she has lost all right to be treated as anything other than a toddler. A valuable life lesson; brattish behaviour doesn't get you what you want.

what the other kids do is of no relevance.

yearofthehorse · 13/01/2016 15:06

We left ours for a week just after he turned 16. I made sure that all the neighbours knew he'd be there and everyone had our and his number. I also had my Mum and a couple of friends call round, much to his disgust.

We ended up having a much better time without having to deal with all those angry hormones, we didn't have to pay for him and we also didn't have to cover the cost of caring for the animals.

He learnt valuable life lessons of caring for himself and the animals and said he had a wonderful, peaceful week.

BG2015 · 16/01/2016 23:23

No way I would leave my 16 yr DS alone for a night never mind a week! My house would be a party house.

travailtotravel · 16/01/2016 23:25

I was left for a month while I was 15. Think it depends how independent she is ...

OneMagnumisneverenough · 17/01/2016 11:35

We booked a villa with a pool with our teens (15 and 14) last year - they aren't that sociable tbf, but they enjoyed being able to do their own thing and having their own rooms. We could go for dinner and they could stay in (free wifi) if they wanted. In the end they did spend most of the days either with us on trips, hanging about the pool or heading into the town for a drink or an ice-cream together and came with us for dinner most evenings but headed home straight afterto fire up the wifi :)

BigSandyBalls2015 · 17/01/2016 18:58

Seems a bit young to me, maybe in a year or so.

My teens have preferred holidays with other families the last couple of years, it's worked out well. I don't think they'd be keen if it was just with me and DH. There are 20 of us going away this year, five couples and ten teens.

SirChenjin · 17/01/2016 19:06

Watching with interest...DD will be a month off 17 when we go on holiday this year and has announced she doesn't want to come. We're still not sure, but erring on the 'letting her stay' side - she'll go to visit relatives with one of her friends for a few days (train journeys away) and then be on her own for about 4 days with neighbours watching out for her.

Neither DH nor I are overly happy about it, but she's a very sensible, quiet young woman with only a few close friends so not at all likely to have a party or do anything stupid.

ChopsticksandChilliCrab · 18/01/2016 01:44

Like Social we book hols our 16 and 18YOs will like. Last year we went to California, this year it is a cottage in the Lake District. We discuss the options so everyone is happy and looking forward to the holiday.

Leaving a 16YO smoker behind on their own would be a no in this house. Too dangerous. I think I would not go away if they refused to come. Safety comes first, before holidays. Of course this is hypothetical, I don't know how I would really react.

One year we did do different things with each of the teens. DH went walking with one teen and I went abroad with the other, to a place we wanted to see but the other two weren't fussed about. Would something like this work OP?

Claybury · 19/01/2016 15:37

Major issue for us as our teens don't want to come with us ( no matter what we do ) and we can't happily leave them at home. ( for good reasons we don't trust them in the house alone for long ). It's very frustrating as we rarely get away

Whatthefreakinwhatnow · 19/01/2016 15:43

I was regularly left alone for weekends/week/2 weeks at a time from 15. By the time I was 16 I had a full time job!

If she's generally pretty sensible, let her stay.

piegirl99 · 19/01/2016 15:53

I'm in a similar position with my 16 DS....too young for sitting in the sun with a good book and a glass of something lovely, too old for bucket and spade! and definitely too young to leave behind alone. We tried taking a friend a couple of years ago and that worked a treat. This year we're planning a bit of compromise/bribery......a busy 10 day hol with us parents during the school hols in some European cities with lots to see and do, on the condition he stays with grandparents when we go off for a lazy 10 days in Sept/Oct when he's back at college. Thrown in a festival ticket contribution if he plays ball.....so far so good.

SirChenjin · 19/01/2016 17:54

I don't think it's a case of those of us with teens who don't want to come on holiday with us are booking grim holidays they don't like . I think it's more a case of getting to an age where you want a bit of independence, and starting off that process in the safety of your own home seems like a sensible way forward. Can be hard to take that leap of faith as a parent though.

leonardthelemming · 05/02/2016 23:55

Trying to bring this thread back to life...

I really can't get my head round the fact that some parents think 16 is too young to be left alone. They can leave home for good at that age. (Technically they need your permission until they're 17 but in practice they don't.) They can get married. They can get their own passport and leave the country - without even telling you...

When DS2 was 16 he started living by himself - in our house. (We were living 5000 miles away.) He lived there while he did his A levels - he passed. Absolutely no problems. But then, we didn't expect any.

TheExMotherInLaw · 06/02/2016 00:24

I was left for 2 weeks when I was 16 - and I was too young. Everything was ok, but I'd not have coped in an emergency. I didn't have the life skills then.
We left dd for 4 days when she was 17; that was fine.
It isn't just your own kids who can cause the problems. There is a danger that if some other kids find out she's home alone, they could decide to have a party, and she'd struggle to get them out. I think it's fine if she goes elsewhere, maybe to a friend's house.

Primaryteach87 · 06/02/2016 00:31

I think it's worth trying to get to the bottom of why she is trying to distance herself. I wouldn't leave her alone, not because anything terrible would happen but because coming on holiday is part of being in a family for me. If something is troubling her then she needs to learn how to talk to you about it. However I always had some input into holidays at that age, as did my siblings.

leonardthelemming · 06/02/2016 02:32

I suspect the reason she's trying to distance herself is simply that she wants a bit of independence and to make her own decisions about her life. It's perfectly normal for young people that age to eschew the family holiday and go away with friends, or perhaps a boyfriend. Would that be an acceptable alternative for you, OP, if you would prefer she didn't stay in the house?

Sundance2741 · 06/02/2016 08:07

I don't think you can generalise about 16 year olds. My 15 year old certainly won't be ready to be left home alone when she's 16. At 16 when I refused to go with my family, I had to stay with my grandparents. I was sensible but didn't even consider staying home alone. It was a great life lesson. I loved my GPs dearly but a week with them was a bore and I was overjoyed to see my family when they came to pick me up! I think I only went on one holiday with them though after that, a few months later. From 17 I did my own thing.

With ours we have been on holidays where they have clubs for kids and teens. It works really well - the teens go to the activities if they want to or play together in the pool if they don't etc. It's all too organised for me but we do get to do our own thing and our kids love it.

IAmPissedOffWithAHeadmaster · 06/02/2016 08:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Indiaplain · 06/02/2016 08:23

I was left alone at 16 for a week while my parents and younger siblings had a holiday. I loved. I was quite a sensible teen though. I had friends round for dinner and had lots of noisy sex with my boyfriend.

Primaryteach87 · 06/02/2016 08:43

I guess I don't think it's normal to reject family life at any age. We are meant to live in communities. I wouldn't stop my child going on holiday with friends, boyfriends etc (I did all those things) but they were additional to family time. The opting out would be a real issue for me. I have a good relationship with my family as an adult and go on holiday with my parents/siblings every few years. We also do this with p-I-l. We also have lots of friends! I don't think you have to swap your family for friends and that this is some sign of independence.... Maybe I'm in the minority here.

Natsku · 06/02/2016 08:51

Agree with leonardthelemming - at 16 most teenagers are wanting and needing more independence to ready them for adulthood. At 16 two of my brothers were living by themselves already. My oldest brother was left home alone a lot when us younger ones went on holiday with mum and dad.

When I was doing my Erasmus year at Uni and was staying in a big block of student rooms (old hotel converted into student accommodation) there was a 16 year old girl living there too - she had moved by herself to go to a specialist high school far away from home. My ex's niece did the same when she was 16 and moved into a shared student flat with Uni students so she could go to high school in another city. The thought that a 16 year old is too young to stay home for a week or two just baffles me when I compare it to my own experiences.

BertrandRussell · 06/02/2016 08:52

Yes- I find this opting out of family life so young a bit odd too. Is it usual?

wishiwasntme · 06/02/2016 09:14

Legally if she's under 16 when you leave (you say she's not 16 until the summer), then if something happens you could be in trouble with the authorities for leaving a minor alone. It could be seen as neglect.

The law doesn't specify an actual age for when you're legally allowed to leave your child alone as children mature at different rates, but if something happens and they're under 16 they could see you as negligent.

Personally, I would insist she comes. Her attitude seems quite childish ("hate you", "I would leave if you sent me elsewhere") and certainly not sensible enough to be left. The smoking would worry me too. Also, you've said yourself that you don't feel comfortable leaving her and I think you'd spend the holiday worrying and not able to enjoy yourself properly.

She needs to learn that you can't always do what you want in life and that you have to earn trust and respect. Go somewhere that has stuff she'd enjoy so she can be a bit independent and tell her that this is her chance (by her conduct on the holiday) to show you that she is mature enough to be left in future.

You could always pack earplugs just in case

AnyFucker · 06/02/2016 09:34

DS will be 16 when we go on hols. He will be coming with us even though he has an older sibling at home.

wishiwasntme · 06/02/2016 09:35

I also agree with what primary has said. Being part of a family and doing things together is important.

Whilst I would've been sensible enough to have been left at 16, it would never have occurred to me or my parents to let me be left behind (and I could sulk for England). I didn't always want to go with them and I did sulk at the time, but I got over it. I don't think it does children any good to always pander to their needs, as that isn't how life generally works. We all have to do things we don't really want to do, so the earlier they learn that the better. Being part of a family means you have to make sacrifices and think of others.

When I was 17 I went away with my friend's family, and then I had my first holiday without my parents at 18. I'm in my 40s now, and I still go away on holiday with my parents sometimes (and my DH and children). I enjoy their company and they will watch the children once or twice over the holiday which means my DH and I can have a night/day without the children which is nice, and the children get spoilt by their GPs. (My children are 11 and 13 and my eldest can also sulk for England).

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