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15yr old Dd just told me to f*** off, how do I handle this?
46

lincolnshirelassy · 23/12/2015 15:15

Dd has had a rough time. Her boyfriend took his own life a month ago. Mostly she does very well but we get intermittent bursts of anger, usually over something quite small, and more often than not I'm the target. For a few weeks she has been asking to join the gym but it's been so hectic, today I have found a gym we can join together and I've said we will sort it. But that's not good enough, she wants to go to the gym NOW, today, it cannot wait and it's all my fault for not having sorted it earlier. I told her the way she was speaking to me was unacceptable and I wouldn't be doing anything for her if she spoke like that. To which she replied 'well f* off then'. I walked off and am now downstairs pretty upset whilst she is sulking/fake crying upstairs. I know she has a lot on her plate but I need her to know how put of order and hurtful this is to me. How should I deal with it?

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abbsismyhero · 23/12/2015 15:19

ignore her till she calms down for a start

explain calmly that she can't speak to you like that

give her a cuddle

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Palehorse · 23/12/2015 15:22

her BF committing suicide is not a rough time, it's a huge life changing event. seriously, cut her some slack, cuddle her, and forget it.

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ImperialBlether · 23/12/2015 15:23

Will she actually be able to join a gym at that age? When I tried to enrol my daughter I was told she had to be 16.

Your daughter's had a really traumatic time. Her poor boyfriend, to have felt so terrible that he did that. Given the circumstances I would leave her be for a while, then take her up a hot drink and ask if she's alright. If she doesn't apologise now, just wait a while - if she's normally OK with you she probably will apologise of her own accord.

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monkeyfacegrace · 23/12/2015 15:24

She swore, It's really not a big deal. Ignore it. Its only an issue if you make it one. She's expressing herself, and she got to this point from frustration. She doesn't want to feel this way.

Go make her a drink and tell her you're here if she wants to chat.

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lincolnshirelassy · 23/12/2015 15:25

Pale I know. She's been cut no end of slack and and will be for some time. But I have two smaller children who are very affected by her behaviour (she tends to scream, smash things, hit me on occasion when things are not going her own way- very small things such as her hair not looking right, though it has calmed down a little lately)

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lincolnshirelassy · 23/12/2015 15:26

Imperial yes we have one where they can go at 15 with a parent

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lincolnshirelassy · 23/12/2015 15:27

Imperial good advice thank you

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Mehitabel6 · 23/12/2015 15:28

I agree with the first reply and when you are talking to her tell her why she can't speak to you like that.

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Palehorse · 23/12/2015 15:28

sorry, i can see it's a difficult time for you all, i didn't mean to be flippant

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lincolnshirelassy · 23/12/2015 15:29

No I understand what you mean Pale, I ignore a lot of it, this hurt for some reason

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abbsismyhero · 23/12/2015 15:29

she also needs to have an induction before she joins any gym she can't just walk in and work out it doesn't work like that if she wants to exercise today right now ask her if she wants to swim? exercise will make her feel better

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lincolnshirelassy · 23/12/2015 15:31

Tried that abbis but it has to be the gym apparently . She used to be a competitive swimmer but unfortunately gave up a few months ago suspect she is missing the release regular exercise gives her.

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DoreenLethal · 23/12/2015 15:31

I think you need to give her a break and maybe make her a cup of tea or something.

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KittyandTeal · 23/12/2015 15:32

Normally I'd say a huge bollocking. However, she has been through an horrific time and very recently too.

I imagine the anger is building up in her. I found when I felt like that I needed to get out and exercise (maybe why she was addimant that she had to go today) or maybe she was picking a fight in order to let her anger out.

Tell her it's ok to be angry, I've only just learnt that, that she can rant and rave and that you understand but that equally speaking to you like that really isn't on.

And give her a huge cuddle. I can't imagine how I would have dealt with that at her age

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timelytess · 23/12/2015 15:35

Next time you're in the mood, tell her to do the same. The shock will remind her not to do it again.

But for now, when she's ready, give her a hug. She's your baby in a bigger body, and things are very hard for her now.

You sound like a lovely, caring mum.

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Tinseleverywhere · 23/12/2015 15:36

I think you should let this go but when she has calmed down have a word and tell her you know she is having a tough time, but she can't be violent and swear at you or the rest of the family and if she does it again, especially hitting, there will be some kind of punishment. Then just leave it for now.

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lincolnshirelassy · 23/12/2015 15:37

I've just been in and said she can't speak to me that way, she said she knew that but otherwise was quiet. Told her we can go to the gym and join whenever she is ready.

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Shutthatdoor · 23/12/2015 15:38

(she tends to scream, smash things, hit me on occasion when things are not going her own way- very small things such as her hair not looking right, though it has calmed down a little lately)

So this was happening before her bf died?

At the moment of course you can cut her some slack but if this is pretty ions and ongoing behaviour it needs to be tackled.

Hitting you is not ok!

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cestlavielife · 23/12/2015 15:42

She needs some help eg cbt to deal with these anxieties

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ButtonMoon88 · 23/12/2015 15:42

Wow poor girl, poor you.

I wouldn't go in and expect an apology now, what I would do is promise after Christmas you can go together to the gym and it will be a good bonding time for the two of you. I suspect she is desperately looking for a distraction. That is a huge trauma to have to deal with.

I like the idea of taking her a drink up to her room. Perhaps suggest going out for a walk? watching a movie? When peace is restored just explain that you are on her side, You will always be there to help her and you just can't talk to people like that. She will know that of course, but when you lose someone you rarely think rationally, it takes a while!

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ButtonMoon88 · 23/12/2015 15:43

X-post!

Well done OP I think that's all you can do for now. Try not take it personally!

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ImperialBlether · 23/12/2015 15:47

Was her boyfriend's death completely out of the blue? Was she tense and irritable before he died?

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Theworldmakesnosense · 23/12/2015 15:51

If her emotions are causing her to assault you then I think she needs urgent medical help - counselling, cbt etc. Visit your GP as soon as possible if you haven't already. What a horrible situation for you Thanks

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lincolnshirelassy · 23/12/2015 16:24

Thanks for all the help. She is having counselling, in school, her counsellor is fab. Her boyfriend had been very troubled for some time, the suicide was not totally unexpected, she had tried to help him for months. Social services have been to see us to let her know they will help her with additional therapy etc but when we called them ten days ago as she was kicking off to ask for support for the family we were told they would call us back the next day, to date we have heard nothing!!! They are hopeless so I will just go through school/GP if she needs extra support.

On the positive we have just got back from the gym, joined up, and we can go this evening so that will distract her and help her work her anger out

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cestlavielife · 23/12/2015 19:43

She knows she could not help her boyfriend right ? He needed professional help... but nothing she could have done would change the outcome.

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