15yr old Dd just told me to f*** off, how do I handle this?

[lincolnshirelassy]

Dd has had a rough time. Her boyfriend took his own life a month ago. Mostly she does very well but we get intermittent bursts of anger, usually over something quite small, and more often than not I'm the target. For a few weeks she has been asking to join the gym but it's been so hectic, today I have found a gym we can join together and I've said we will sort it. But that's not good enough, she wants to go to the gym NOW, today, it cannot wait and it's all my fault for not having sorted it earlier. I told her the way she was speaking to me was unacceptable and I wouldn't be doing anything for her if she spoke like that. To which she replied 'well f* off then'. I walked off and am now downstairs pretty upset whilst she is sulking/fake crying upstairs. I know she has a lot on her plate but I need her to know how put of order and hurtful this is to me. How should I deal with it?

Get her to the gym!!!! It will totally change her attitude! Endorphins are amazing!!!
Good luck... Also wRn her if she tells you to fuck off again !!! You will!
Mum died last year .... Gym did me the world of good xxx

Bless her, she is so young to have to deal with what her bf did. She probably feels angry that she couldn't stop him ( and he left her) . Both of my teens chose to swear at me ( I don't swear myself ) which upset me a great deal - that was the purpose most of the time- they grow out of it and you, like me may realise that in the grand scale of things it doesn't really matter - I have a fantastic relationship with my dd and a work in progress with my ds ( neither swear in the house now) so my advice don't fret too much about words- try to give your dd some slack . Enjoy the gym x

Lincoln I remembered your posting name when i read this thread. Is this the same BF you've posted about previously? I can't do a link off my crappy iPod, but I think your previous posts are very relevant & even if this is a different BF that's probably even worse. Your DD has been through a horrendous time this year, so a bit of swearing is really nothing in the context of what she's been through & no offence, but I'm not sure that a gym membership will solve it for either of you, although I fully think it will be a valuable outlet for you both

I would forget it and just support her for now. The swearing at you is not personal, its not about you - she has to work through her feelings and recover. It will take time. Gym is a positive thing you can do together and it will help her re-focus, heal and get back on track. Hang in there OP!

Could she be underweight, and has she had her nutrient levels, and hormone levels etc checked with blood tests?

Could you not just go to a local common for a run around with a kite, or walk a neighbour's dog, or get some low weight dumbells and an exercise mat or two to use at home?

Guilty, yes same boyfriend, hellish year. Things are calmer now and we have managed to have a good Christmas. She's still very touchy but I'm learning to deal with it a bit better.

Maybe CRUSE bereavement counciling might help her. They have a 24 hour help line for her to talk to or you? They were a massive help for me when I lost my mum suddenly. I also know having a 15 year old I get this too. I say later no swearing and I do take her gadgets when she does this though. But you are dealing with bigger things with her anger too.
All the best OP hope she will be ok x

I think you are doing the best you can. It can't be easy for her - or any of you. But part of growing up is learning how to try and deal with feelings.
Maybe the both of you having time together at the gym will do her the world of good. Sometime she can have just for her.

Maybe on a calmish day have a gentle talk and say you can understand she has a lot of feelings and emotions to work thru, and you are there for her 100% but that she can't have outbursts that are potentially affecting her siblings - or are just plain rude. If she needs to talk or scream or what ever, she can and you will be there at the end. But there needs to be some control over it.

I think teenagers can be unreasonable in lots of ways, without everything else your dd is dealing with. And you can only do your best and talk the decisions/actions thru.

It sounds as tho she knows you are there for her and you are her sounding board. But you have limits too.

Give her a big hug and tell her you love her - new year new attitude and all that

I don't know if this is relevant or helpful but for what it's worth:

A good friend of mine committed suicide when I was 18. There was a big group of us all interlinked by siblings/friends/boyfriends etc in a small, very close knit community. I was also very good friends with his girlfriend.

It absolutely rocked us all, we still all think about it many, many years later and it has really changed our perspectives on many things.

What was probably unknown to parents etc was how much we needed each other. We didn't want adults talking, we wanted our stories and memories etc. What was also extremely unhelpful was the number of comments we heard in passing about how 'the girlfriend' was to blame (this was from adults who were unconnected but honestly, we're talking openly in the local shop). I am sure some of this filtered back to his girlfriend (who was obviously in no way to blame).

Don't forget the stigma that she will feel is attached to her now, for many, many reasons, that is absolutely devastating for a young girl to deal with on top of everything else.

Cut her lots of slack, tell her siblings to leave her alone, be there for her, never judge, let her talk, get counselling but on her timetable (this may be in a years time), and just live and cherish her every single day.

You are doing a great job I'm sure. Keep it up. Your little girl is still in there.

Thank you for all the really helpful posts. Lucky what you say rings true, she is very reliant on her network of friends now, who fortunately are absolutely brilliant. The last week has been much calmer and she seems to be learning to control her anger, and I'm working hard on not engaging! I asked her about Cruse but she says she thinks they'll annoy her! She dies have a great counsellor at school who she is very attached to, and I've got all the info for Cruse if needed. Here's to a better 2016!

Update, we had a pretty good Christmas but today major meltdown.

Seemed to be fine going to school, picked her up early for eye appointment and seemed OK, then had a major strop at hospital, came home and is worse, it's Ds's 8th birthday today and we were meant to be going out for pizza, she has refused, screamed and shouted so I have had to stay behind and missed his party, I've been called a stupid bitch, yelled at, she won't say what is wrong just she's had a bad day, fallen out with friends bur won't elaborate. Refusing to let me take her to GP and Children’s services who were meant to help us with family therapy never called back. She is self harming and I feel at the end of my tether, sitting here crying and just don't know what to do next :(

So sorry for you and DD. Sounds like it's definitely linked to going back to school. Often they don't want to tell you details - I know I didn't tell my parents much - and I guess it's just a case of being there for her. Holding her hand, hugging, whatever if she'll let you. Very hard under the circumstances I know, especially if she's lashing out at you. Just acknowledge she's had a bad day and doesn't have to talk about it, but you're there for her???? Just some thoughts. Sorry if oversimplifying.

Thanks Peebles. She has talked to me a bit now, there have been some friendship troubles at school today, just the usual teenage stuff but she is not resilient enough to deal with the rough and tumble at the moment. Now saying she doesn't want to go to school tomorrow so tomorrow morning will be rough :( think I will try and get her to the GP soon if only for reassurance

the suicide was not totally unexpected, she had tried to help him for months.

Poor girl. Not only is she grieving, she probably feels an immense amount of guilt at failing to keep him alive.

I'd be in a grief stricken haze for months, probably years. I'd cut her some serious slack for the first few months, and try to keep her active as much as possible, no matter how busy I was. she needs your kindness and turn-the-other-cheek-ness at the minute! But she also needs firmness. No anger or harsh punishment, just stern 'do not speak to me that way' everytime. And simple disengagement when she does. Not shouting matches or abrasive parenting.

Also, when she won't elaborate, don't push. Just leave her to heal in her way.

Best of luck

Thanks SoWhite, good advice. Fingers crossed she has stayed at school all day today so she must be a little better. It's just so hard, I love her so much and feel her pain so much and I am so worried for her.

Please ignore Sandra, OP. Not at all helpful.

Hope things are going ok for you. Maybe put number for Cruse etc on a piece of paper in her room so even if she says she doesn't want to call them, she might do it privately in her own time?
You're being a great mum to her; when she's an adult she'll remember how you handled this time and like I am of my mum, she will be very proud and love you enormously for it.

Have the gym got classes? Just thinking something like boxercise might be good for anger or yoga Pilates type for relaxing

Thanks everyone.

The weekend has been peaceful and she is doing quite well at the moment. I have booked a GP appointment for her this week, and children's services have made a referral for family therapy.

hollin yes loads of different classes at the gym so we'll get into a routine of going to a few.

Def talk to your gp and get a camhs referral some yrs ago DD went through similarly trying experience w relationship and ended up w suicide attempt herself. Hope u can work through this