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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Silence over periods

15 replies

poiuy · 04/12/2015 15:48

My 12 year old has started her periods and hasn't told me. I thought my daughter and I were really close. Had given lots of advice, sanitary stuff and have said that if it was awkward to leave me a note or text me etc. I've got over being offended but now need to "invent" a situation so that she will tell me. I don't want to tell her I found used pads in a drawer in her room, because she will be upset with me for poking around. TBH, her room smelt and I needed to find out what it was!! Any ideas anyone?

OP posts:

Noteventhebestdrummer · 04/12/2015 15:49

Well if you've cleared them out she knows you know.
Why say anything if she wants to keep it private?

Original poster

poiuy · 04/12/2015 15:56

I didn't!! I just went on and on about a terrible smell!....and could she check every drawer etc...she did clear them. Yuck! I feel like a dreadful mum about all of it. Need to get it out in the open.

OP posts:

Original poster

poiuy · 04/12/2015 15:57

I thought that too....ie. She will tell me when she's ready I guess but hate to think of her coping with it all on her own.

OP posts:

sweetheart · 04/12/2015 15:59

Surly if your daughter and you are really close you should just talk to her about this. there is no need to invent a scenario, just sit her down and have the conversation.

aginghippy · 04/12/2015 16:21

My dd never talked to me much about her periods. Everything is embarrassing when you are a teenager. She may talk about it with her friends, but saying anything to mum is way too embarrassing .

I would just say what I needed to - don't leave used pads in your room, please wrap them in toilet paper and put in put in the bin.

My dd never mentions her periods to me. I just check the bathroom cupboard and buy pads when needed.

Noteventhebestdrummer · 04/12/2015 17:20

Could you tell her how proud you are that she's coping with it all so well on her own? Do it in the car so she can't run away and then ask her something inane about what she fancies for tea?

Heyho111 · 04/12/2015 22:16

Id just say you worked it out. Say you were the same not wanting to talk about it. It will normalise her feelings about it. Buy her little bags to put them in and a little bin with a lid she can keep where she wants (bathroom bedroom ) and put a ready supply of towels in a drawer.
When I talk to mine about stuff they don't want to talk about I say. Right yes or no answer. Then ask a question. Are you happy using the pads I buy. If you get a no then ask another yes or no quest. Don't ask for anymore than that. As they get used to these questions happening occasionally they tend to start giving a little more with the answers. It works in this house.

3catsandcounting · 04/12/2015 23:27

My DD was 12 and exactly the same. I thought I'd done so well preparing her, and that she could come to me, but no. I found out emptying the bathroom bin; it didn't get talked about, and hasn't really since. 6 years later.
She'll be fine, just supply!

Original poster

poiuy · 05/12/2015 08:59

Thanks so much everyone...feeling less inadequte now!....and will talk to her about it using a combination of all you've suggested here!

OP posts:

specialsubject · 05/12/2015 14:49

not a matter for offense - except for the lack of use of a bin which IS offensive.

you don't need to know every detail of what is hopefully a minor body function. But she needs to dispose of the used items in a normal way.

she's no right to get upset with you after treating her home like that.

PurpleGreenAvocado · 05/12/2015 14:50

My daughter never told me and the only reason I told my mum is that we were abroad and I didn't know where to go to buy anything but it was her old home town so she knew the shops and spoke the language.

BackforGood · 05/12/2015 22:45

What AgingHippy said.

Neither of my dds want to talk to me about their periods - not that I chat away about it in public on a regular basis you understand - but If I asked them (when they started) if they wanted to know anything, or if they were comfortable with this or that, and so forth.
But you just matter of factly say "I've left a lidded bin in the bathroom and {whatever you prefer to use} for you to wrap your used sanitary towels in. Please use them, and let me know if there's anything else you want"
or "Do you need a toiletry bag to take some to school with you? Or, some girls prefer a pencil case so it's not so obvious what it is?" type question in a very matter of fact way. You don't have to make a 'thing' of telling her you know she's started.

Meloncoley2 · 05/12/2015 22:50

My thoughts are that you anticipated that it would be ' awkward,' and passed this on to her by suggesting that she text you. Is there any way periods could be normalised eg by buying pads/ tampons as part of the normal supermarket shop?

nooka · 05/12/2015 23:06

I think I'd go with just letting her know that you know without making it a big deal, so yes ask her if she needs supplies next time you go shopping, buy a bin with a lid for her and ask her if she wants it in her bedroom or bathroom. Ask her if she needs any painkillers, a hot water bottle or anything, let her know about aps that you can use to track your period (dd and I use Clue).

Just don't make a big deal about it. It sounds like your dd may be hiding her periods. It might be because she feels bad for not telling you and now she feels she can't tell you (why were you offended she didn't tell you? seems a slightly odd reaction). It might be that she is feeling anxious about growing up and is pretending to herself that they aren't really happening. It might be that she thinks you'll make too big a deal about her starting and it will be overwhelming. All sorts of reasons really. Don't take it as some sort of judgement on the quality of your relationship.

NerrSnerr · 05/12/2015 23:17

I have never mentioned having a period with my mum and I'm 33. I hid it (poorly) and knew that she knew but it was never mentioned. She never bought me pads so I made do with tissue until I got pocket money and I bought them myself. No idea why she didn't just leave pad in the bathroom.

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