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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

I reckon dd is going to move out next week

24 replies

JeffsanArsehole · 19/11/2015 23:50

Nothing wrong in our relationship. But she wants a car and (no contact with dh and I) grandparents have offered to buy her one. But they 'can't afford' to insure it 'properly' and want to register it at theirs and persuade her to move in rather than insure it to be where she lives at ours.

And I think she will. She's so desperate to have one (and is quite self serving as teenagers can be)

OP posts:
Travelledtheworld · 20/11/2015 04:57

And how do you feel about that ?
I know some parents would
be delighted !

Original poster
JeffsanArsehole · 20/11/2015 07:39

It's not in her best interests at all, grandparents are not really interested in meeting her needs, just in controlling her and 'winning' her moving in with them.

They would actively stop her going to uni next year and they'd stop her going on a foreign trip with her school as they don't agree with it enough to support her. They don't see these things as valuable or worthwhile and while she does right now I'm not sure she can resist their pressure to give them up.

It will be a total mess if she does this.

OP posts:
PurpleWithRed · 20/11/2015 07:48

If she is a young driver or a young learner and they are insuring her on their car it will cost a fortune anyway, so that's just b&££&()s.

How old is she? Does she know they will pressurise her to stay at home, and how does she feel about that?

Katymac · 20/11/2015 07:52

& if they are insuring it in their name but letting her be the main driver it's not legal and insurance companies are cracking down on it

Original poster
JeffsanArsehole · 20/11/2015 08:11

There are two parts to this:

The main driver thing. Grandad could easily put himself as the main driver of she lived there (and he claimed he drove it)

Where the car is kept. If he owns it but it's kept at ours if she lives here then he can't claim he's the main driver. And it won't be kept at the address the insurance is at.

Which is why I think they're trying to persuade her to move over there.

OP posts:
Original poster
JeffsanArsehole · 20/11/2015 08:12

She's not insured on any car at the moment, she has had lessons (£800 quids worth I've paid for) and she has her test next week

OP posts:
Katymac · 20/11/2015 08:17

How many cars do they have? If he already has a car they won't accept it

curiousc88t · 20/11/2015 08:19

Cars are expensive to maintain

Who is going to pay tax, insurance, MOT, service, repairs, petrol ?

Does your daughter work ?

annandale · 20/11/2015 08:20

Not an expert, sorry.

But I'm reminded of that scene in Roseanne when Becky is marrying her boyfriend and Roseanne says to him 'Becky wants to go to college and if that doesn't happen I'll know that's because of you'. Only you could say it a bit more gently to her?

lexigrey · 20/11/2015 08:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnyFucker · 20/11/2015 08:36

The car insurance plot is not legal and will be invalid if she has an accident

She also might take many attempts to pass her test. My dd took 5, and lots of her peers the same. It's an expensive business...who is paying for it all ?

Original poster
JeffsanArsehole · 20/11/2015 10:17

I know it's called fronting. Which is why I think they will use the car as an excuse to get her to live there so 'they can afford it'. They've got lots of cars.

If we got her insured on our car as a second driver it would cost £1800 quid and we re prepared to do that. But of course she wants her own car and this is the only way to do that.

She doesn't work, she gets EMA (or whatever they call it now) and gets £38 a week to remain in college.

Yes, we've paid for the tests and lessons so far

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 20/11/2015 10:20

so stop

Original poster
JeffsanArsehole · 20/11/2015 10:21

It's paid for til the test next week. This has literally just happened, we didn't know they were going to make a play like this.

OP posts:
Original poster
JeffsanArsehole · 20/11/2015 10:22

We won't pay for any more driving tests though she has some savings to pay for it herself. But of course she's supposed to be saving that for uni.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 20/11/2015 10:25

if they try it, I would shop them to the insurance company

your daughter is at risk of being a literally uninsured driver

Original poster
JeffsanArsehole · 20/11/2015 10:30

Yes, I would call the police.

But they could still do it cheaper 'legally' if they say they're going to buy her a car (they have) and THEN say 'oh look we've bought you a car but if you want it you have to live here so it's cheap enough to insure'

OP posts:
PeaceOfWildThings · 20/11/2015 10:31

Does she want her own car, or independent transport? Consider getting a good moped. DD1 rides one, I bought it and she pays me back a bit each week from weekend job earnings (and pays for her own petrol which is about a tenth of the cost of my car, tax, insurance, and any parking fines etc.) It comes from money that DPs gave me in trust for her to spend on education. Since it gets her to college/sixth form, I see it as filling the bill. (gps can give up to £500 per year tax free to each grandchild).
She can also spend one or two nights a week with friends/other relatives and not need lifts.

PeaceOfWildThings · 20/11/2015 10:37

It is a good idea for DCs to pass the driving test as early as possible and then leave it a while before getting a car and driving , so premiums come down. Talk to the grandparents and explain that they cannot do what they suggest, and to find a way to encourage her and see her which supports you all.

twirlypoo · 20/11/2015 10:37

Can you afford to play the game and say "oh! That's so lovely of you to buy dd a car, the least we can do is insure it for her" then investigate those black box insurance companies which specialise in young drivers? I have no idea of the costs involved so im sorry if I'm suggesting something prohibitive. I can imagine your reeling, I hope this is resolved okay

Original poster
JeffsanArsehole · 20/11/2015 10:49

We are no contact with them and talking is unfortunately not an option.
And she goes on the motorway for college so a moped isn't possible. She needs to use a car for her instruments and stuff anyway.

If they bought her a car we would insure it properly (registered at ours for insurance, dd as main driver) and it would cost over £2,700 a year for her to have her own insurance. And no we couldn't afford it. And they would buy a banger or some dodgy car.

OP posts:
PeaceOfWildThings · 20/11/2015 11:29

Educate her. This isn't a time to let emotions or family ties (or rifts) get in the way of how you bring up yoir daughter. If they want to contribute to her having a car once she has a job and can carry the responsibility of running it, that would be so much better. Let her think about the possibilities. Let her say no.

Also, those black box insurance deals are great for young careful drivers.

AnyFucker · 20/11/2015 12:03

my dd got her (own, in her name) insurance down from 2.5k to 1.3k in one year with a black box and making no claims during that time

Clare1971 · 23/11/2015 11:35

Have you spoken to her about what you think the grandparents are doing? She may not listen but if you point out that you think they will stop the school trip and university, and it turns out you are right, the penny might drop with her when they prevent the school trip. If you make it clear that she's always welcome back home she might come to see things your way.

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