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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

15 yr DS with Girlfriend = Disaster

128 replies

TheLastResort1971 · 15/11/2015 10:09

Hi All,
Hopefully someone can guide me on our current situation.
We have DS 15 and DS 12, the 12 yr old is a dream the usual little ups and downs but nothing major. My 15 yr old has turned our life upside down and we are now at the point of involving social services to hopefully have him moved out of our home before my DH ends up going to prison as we are at the point of killing him.
8 mths ago he got a girlfriend which initially started off as a very light not intense relationship, we invited her to us for dinner on numerous occasions as well family gatherings, DS 15 has become infatuated with her to the point his school work has taken a huge nose dive going from a A/B predicted student to a C/D prediction and that's if he is lucky. When not at school he is constantly messaging the GF or FaceTime when questioned about his homework he says he has completed it at school which we believe but I'm guessing the bare minimum. He was booked to go to France and Germany next year with the school which I have cancelled as he has not earned it, was paying for private music tuition weekly also cancelled as no interest so why waste £100 per month. He has no respect for me or his Dad and we are at the end of our tether.
Has anyone had experience of similar and what is the process of trying to get social services involved as it is now affecting DS 12 which is not acceptable.
He is deceitful, devious and all that matters is this GF, the messages consist of swearing his undying love, never want to lose you, want to spend the rest of my life you, her response is just yes me to so it is mainly him being infatuated rather than the other way round.
We are at our wits end as to what to do next.
Any advice,suggestions would be greatly appreciated
Thanks in advance

OP posts:
Original poster
TheLastResort1971 · 15/11/2015 10:45

We have tried the odd bit of ribbing to no avail as well support again no response
He did not seemed fussed about music lessons being cancelled but annoyed that school holidays have been cancelled my response was you earn privileges they are not a given
He is violent or tries to be violent against us DH not violent but holds him back so for example if DS goes to lash out to DH he will hold his wrist to stop contact
I have seen his messages to GF he has an old iPod that is linked to other devices so can see them there he is unaware of this and I have not told him there is nothing sinister just swearing undying love for her
We found matches in his pocket his answer when quizzed I don't know how they got there after persistent questioning his story was a friend was buying fireworks and ask him to hold the matches
He has card account with a small monthly Allowence to be used if he wants to go to the local town and meet friends but instead decided to use the money on we don't know what and when questioned about his account he said I have been saving up my money for DB 12 birthday and Xmas but in reality he had saved nothing. We have not stopped the allowance.
We have not said at any time you cannot have a girlfriend only that you need to concentrate on your studies for YR 10/11 as these are important years

OP posts:
LuluJakey1 · 15/11/2015 10:47

Is this real?

I would imagine many parents of 15yr old boys will have these conversations over falling grades, teeth cleaning, TVs off and girlfriends.

Your husband needs to stop being so aggressive TBH. Social services will be more interested in that than in your DS.

DS is being a typical teenage boy in love from what you describe.

SpanglesGalloway · 15/11/2015 10:48

He sounds like a normal teenager to me!!!! How much support do you have outwith dh? My aunt is going through the same (normal and expected)transition with her 15yo dd. She has my mum and her nieces for support to keep her focused that this is just a phase. Maybe a thread on the parenting board may help to get some practical ideas on parenting teens?

To be honest nothing of his behaviour even screams bad kid to me unless were missing out info? Just sounds like normal teen which needs to be taken with a pic of salt..

greenfolder · 15/11/2015 10:49

Sounds like a perfectly normal 15 year old to me in afraid. At some point they realise that you can't make them do stuff. And they are bloody right you can't. Fathers and sons are worse. Pick your battles. Brushing teeth isn't ine if them. If they retreat to their bedroom leave them. Nothing you can do about girlfriend. Let him get on with it.

Theimpossiblegirl · 15/11/2015 10:49

It always saddens me when people want their teens taken away because they are having trouble handling them. He is still your child, going through a difficult and defining age, and it sounds like you're ready to wash your hands of him as soon as he starts acting out. I'm sorry if I've misunderstood, but this is how your posts read.

I would look at getting some practical parenting help, maybe family counselling. The school may be able to signpost you to something but may not have the resources to sort it for you themselves.

Get the girlfriend onside. It's a way forward.

MrsDiesel · 15/11/2015 10:49

I agree with all the previous posters. Let your ds be a teenager and tell your husband to rein in his temper. No wonder your ds was lashing out after being bullied and goaded by his dad. You had dealt with the toothbrush incident, why did he feel need to get involved.

Original poster
TheLastResort1971 · 15/11/2015 10:49

We have been kind, have not picked battles tried the calm firm but fair approach which is thrown back in our faces
We give him space
He can go out with friends
Ask nothing of him around the house (no chores) etc
If this is a completely normal teenager it is the first one I have come across in our neck of the woods

OP posts:
AgentProvocateur · 15/11/2015 10:49

You sound incredibly controlling. Out of everyone in this scenario, it's your teenage DS that I have most sympathy for.

BitOutOfPractice · 15/11/2015 10:50

Oh OP.

Do you remember being a teenager? Do you remember your first love?

Clearly not!

I think rather han acting like Victorian parents, you might want to sit down and have a chat with him. Tell him how you're feeling and, importantly listen to what he says and how he's feeling

Then talk about getting to a compromise where you're both happy.

Good luck and try and unclench a bit

Finola1step · 15/11/2015 10:51

From your posts, the key here is your husband's reaction to your ds'. Your h has put your son in a headlock. Your h intervenes in a discussion between you and your ds and escalates the situation as your ds' comments are like "a red rag to a bull". All this stuff about it being DH's house.

By all means contact ss. But be prepared as they may want to look very closely at how the male adult in the family responds to the teenage male.

I suspect that your dh may be struggling with the fact that he may not be able to assert his alpha make status for much longer.

Your ds sounds like a fairly normal 15 year old lad who is getting in the neck from his parents.

GloriaHotcakes · 15/11/2015 10:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Kennington · 15/11/2015 10:52

You son sounds naive.
Perhaps cut or reduce his allowance and put his phone on pre pay.
The girlfriend thing will fizzle out eventually.
Speak to the school about his grades if you think someone there has influence.
Ignore the GF for a while.
Teeth bruishing is minor - you could point out he will have bad breath.
Also I would switch off the wifi at night to limit Internet use.

Toraleistripe · 15/11/2015 10:52

Some responses a bit harsh. I think teenagers can be a shock to parents. I was to mine. My parents were wringing their hands, talking to school etc and really I was being a normal teenager.

Agree maybe you need to back off. Let him get on with it, within reason.

Original poster
TheLastResort1971 · 15/11/2015 10:52

DH is not aggressive purely stopping DS 15 from making contact should he not do that and allow him to make contact, that is genuine question as can parents not defend themselves against their children if violent?

OP posts:
Finola1step · 15/11/2015 10:53

Male not make!

ImperialBlether · 15/11/2015 10:53

The fact is that if he doesn't brush his teeth, she'll quickly go off him. If he does well in his exams she'll see him in a better light.

Have you spoken to school about his academic performance and behaviour? Is he attending every day? Is he polite to his teachers?

I think you have to pick your battles, tbh. A 15 year old putting the TV on at bedtime doesn't seem worth arguing about - can he use headphones if it would keep other people awake?

I don't like the fact you're reading his messages. I'd be too scared to, frankly. You're lucky all he's been doing is declaring his love. It is a breach of privacy and if he finds out I think there would be tremendous problems.

The problem will occur if this girl drops him. I would expect him to become very depressed then - I think this is something you need to look out for.

TakeMeUpTheNorthMountain · 15/11/2015 10:53

Jesus OP you need to calm down for a start - brush your teeth, turn off tv, save money, don't stop studying, don't be all consumed by a girl.

He is 15!!!!

What were you like when you were 15? Your DH?

Your other DS is what 12? When did the behaviour with the eldest start? You will need to note it because it is likely the younger one will do the same, they are teenagers who will come out the other side eventually.

LyndaNotLinda · 15/11/2015 10:54

You want your 15 YO son to be 'hopefully moved out of your home' by social services because he's being a teenager?

Fucking hell :(

Original poster
TheLastResort1971 · 15/11/2015 10:54

We both support each other so it is not one parent doing more than the other

OP posts:
SparklesandBangs · 15/11/2015 10:54

Welcome to the world of teenagers, I hope that you realise that most of this behavior is his hormones 'talking'. I have one DC who is through this stage and now a delight (most of the time) and one who is still in there.

This week, it was just me and DC2 at home, I work full time and was recovering from a migraine and fighting a cold, so was exhausted. DC has not sympathy or empathy at all, it I mention how I feel I am cut off and told that they are 'not bothered', they have refused to help around the house, at all. As I know that this is just a phase and that if I rise to it then the situation is inflamed I just ignore and walk away.

I understand all of your DH feelings about it being his house and wanting respect, but ranting at your child is just not going to work, teenage hormones are stubborn, unreasonable and not something that can be controlled. DC2 will go through this too.

It was at this stage that I stopped checking that homework was done, the correct letters had been completed for school, that they have washed or cleaned their teeth. I just made sure they understood the consequences.

I am not indifferent to them and love them very much but life is far too short to be to turn our house into a battleground.

Calling SS never once crossed my mind.

MrsUltra · 15/11/2015 10:54

I have a 15 yo DS who was the most delightful little boy ever until last year - he is now sullen uncommunicative, snarls answers to any questions - lazy, rude (to us) probably not diligent about teeth brushing..
We wen thru' the same thing with his elder bro, who is now 17 and starting to turn back into a civilised human being. At the time he went thru it, his headmaster told us that he had three sons, all of whom were nightmares between 14 & 17 and then came out the other side.
He doesn't (I think) have a gf, but I don't think the gf thing is really the problem in your case - I think you have to decide what is the line in the sand not to be crossed (hurting his bro, for example) and anything else is tiresome but not life threatening.
Ordering a TV to be switched off is utterly counterproductive - why seek confrontation? You are the adults - model good behaviour to him by being nice to each other. Thank him for doing what you want him to do, but don't make a song and dance about what he doesn't do.

flossietoot · 15/11/2015 10:55

I am a foster carer and there is honestly nothing you have written that is sending alarm bells to me. 15 is hard and he will be frustrated and hormonal and possibly anxious about what his future holds in terms of university/college. I would just ignore bad behaviour and reward good ones. He will quickly learn. If he has no money, that's his fault. If his teeth fall out, that's his fault.

Finola1step · 15/11/2015 10:55

Of course you can defend yourself. But you said the term "red rag to a bull" yourself. That suggests that there is a temper/anger issue here on your husband's side. Why did your dh get involved in the toothpaste incident?

Original poster
TheLastResort1971 · 15/11/2015 10:56

I have tried discussing the situation with the mum of the girl who has said she is not going to tell DD/GF what to do or say as she knows they are really keen on each other so hit a brick wall there unless there is another way I should approach it

OP posts:
greenfolder · 15/11/2015 10:57

It's the first one you have seen in your neck of the woods because it's the first teenager you have shared your house with. How they act at home and elsewhere are different things

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