15 yr DS with Girlfriend = Disaster

[TheLastResort1971]

Hi All,
Hopefully someone can guide me on our current situation.
We have DS 15 and DS 12, the 12 yr old is a dream the usual little ups and downs but nothing major. My 15 yr old has turned our life upside down and we are now at the point of involving social services to hopefully have him moved out of our home before my DH ends up going to prison as we are at the point of killing him.
8 mths ago he got a girlfriend which initially started off as a very light not intense relationship, we invited her to us for dinner on numerous occasions as well family gatherings, DS 15 has become infatuated with her to the point his school work has taken a huge nose dive going from a A/B predicted student to a C/D prediction and that's if he is lucky. When not at school he is constantly messaging the GF or FaceTime when questioned about his homework he says he has completed it at school which we believe but I'm guessing the bare minimum. He was booked to go to France and Germany next year with the school which I have cancelled as he has not earned it, was paying for private music tuition weekly also cancelled as no interest so why waste £100 per month. He has no respect for me or his Dad and we are at the end of our tether.
Has anyone had experience of similar and what is the process of trying to get social services involved as it is now affecting DS 12 which is not acceptable.
He is deceitful, devious and all that matters is this GF, the messages consist of swearing his undying love, never want to lose you, want to spend the rest of my life you, her response is just yes me to so it is mainly him being infatuated rather than the other way round.
We are at our wits end as to what to do next.
Any advice,suggestions would be greatly appreciated
Thanks in advance

[TakeMeUpTheNorthMountain]

But whats the situation with the GF? You think your son is like this because of her?

[gamerchick]

You're not listening OP. Stop spying on him, stop going through his pockets and
Interrogating him. You are out of order.

You need to start treating him more like an adult and that means more responsibility. Not making him do chores is a big mistake you'll regret (or your future dil will blame you for)

My 15 yr old gets his child benefit which he has to do all school busfares and whatnot out of. Any extra money has to be earned. He also does housework without being asked, yes we have our moments but I don't invade his privacy and he doesn't think he can walk all over us.

SS is not the answer here but maybe a chat on changes (from both sides) and a compromise may work better and your husband needs to give himself a slap with law making or this teen thing is going to be harder than it has too.

[flossietoot]

Well he can't be that much of a horror if the other mum isn't worried!

[APlaceOnTheCouch]

This doesn't really sound as though it's about the girlfriend. It's about your DS being a teenager and how your DH is responding to that.

Your DH is sounding inflexible, angry and prone to getting physical (whether it be restraining or physically entering your DS' space). Your DH is banging heads with your DS and tbh if your DH doesn't deal with how he relates to teens then you are going to have the same issues when your younger boy hits this stage too.

I can't see anything here that ss would be interested in except your point about yourself and DH wanting to kill your DS and both of you wanting to wash your hands of your DS. Do you talk to other parents of teenagers in RL and actually listen to what they say? There's a lack of self-awareness in your posts. You seem to think ss is a justifiable response and yet everyone here is seeing a massive over-reaction on your part.

[ImperialBlether]

You can't compare a 12 year old with a 15 year old, OP. The reason your 12 year old isn't being a pain in the neck is because he isn't 15.

[flossietoot]

I also agree the lack of chores was a big mistake as it has absolved him of all responsibility, but would leave that for now.

[NorthernLurker]

Oh dear Op. You've made a pig's ear of this.

How old is your ds? Think about that for a minute.


The answer of course is that he is 15. 15 is an age when plenty of lads are sexually active. There's a reason for that and I think you and your dh need to think back and remember what teenage hormonal ups and downs are really like. Your son is in love. It's a state of temporary insanity. Yes his work has suffered, You have to accept that's down to his choices. He is 15. Three years time maximum and he'll be leaving home. He is not 7 or 9 or 11. He's 15. You can try and boss him around like a child but it won't work and all you are doing is pushing him away from you.

Every 'sanction' you impose doesn't encourage him to confide in you, to trust you. It just teaches him that you are so obsessed with having your own way that you don't care about the impact on him. I'm sure you DO care about him but there's bugger all love coming across in your posts and so I expect there's bugger all coming across in the home.

You absolutely should not have cancelled the school holiday but I presume that's gone now. So instead you'd better think pretty quick about some ways of showing your son that you love and trust him. Because if you expect the worst of him that's what you'll get.

Respect his private space, stop reading his messages and stop nagging him. he lives in the here and now. Saying 'these are important years' is just terrifying to him. What you're actually saying with every nag, every sanction, every bit of tension is 'we don't love you anymore because you're not what we want you to be'. I'm sure that's not what you mean but that's what he sees. Now in his place what would you do with that feeling? I know what I'd o. I'd think 'sod you' and go my own way.

You can fix this OP but you and dh need to put your heads together and do some seriously positive parenting bloody quick or you will lose your relationship with your son. Plenty of parents have made the mistakes you're making. Don't join that number.

[Francoitalialan]

Social services? Rehoming? And where do you think he might live? With whom? My head is spinning at this!

[MrsUltra]

Teenagers do lack empathy - their brains are being rewired. I do sometimes get a bit upset at the one-way affection, but that is parenting.
When I said my DS was rude to us, I meant to add that if we meet other parents for any reason - eg at school events, they comment on what nice, polite boy he is . I prefer it to be that way round - ie home is a safe haven, a palace where it is safe to let the mask drop, you do not have to be on your best behaviour because you are with your family who unconditionally love you and would never turn their back on you.
And did he know he was supposed to 'earn' the right to go on school trips - presumably for his GCSE language course? if he did know that, fair enough, but if this is retrospective, completely unfair punishment, and inconsistent with your concern about his results..

[Headofthehive55]

Goodness back of op.
You are reading his messages!
You give him an allowance to spend his money on what he wants but then want him to explain his spending to you?

He is growing up. if you continue like this you will find your son will be no contact and you will be posting about not seeing your grandchildren ten years down the line.

He sounds quite normal.

[Francoitalialan]

Superb advice Northern Lurker

[TheLastResort1971]

Kill him is a figure of speech when they test your resolve and NO he not probe to violence in fact completely the opposite

[Lj8893]

He sounds like a perfectly normal teenager to me! What's so wrong with him being head over heels in love with his gf? We have all been there, surely!

Calling SS is an extreme overreaction!! So is the threat of your dh killing him over a little backchat and typical hormonal teen behaviour!

[titchy]

OP rather than coming back with one or two sentence responses to specific questions, can you actually read the message in all these posts - you're the ones who have fucked up, not your child. Take that on board.

[APlaceOnTheCouch]

hesterton I think the answer to that question is 'no' .

[QforCucumber]

Christ - at 15 I was smoking, had a 17 year old boyfriend who had a car so would bunk off lessons to go to mcdonalds wif he wasn't at college.
My room was private, I could watch TV if I wanted - but it meant I'd be tired at school the next day. Did my own washing because didn't want mum to find a lighter, she never queried what my pocket money was spent on though?
Guess what - still got 8 x a's and 2 x b's in gces, went to college and got a job as a waitress at 16 to have more money. I had the support of my mum and step dad - but also their respect, you say your son needs to earn his trips? How can he know that if you've never asked him to do chores or anything to earn them? He's becoming a grown up, you need to earn his respect too - and deciding when he can watch TV, reading his messages, asking what his allowance is spent on, checking his pockets, taking away his treats and threatening to kick him out are not ways to go about that.

[Rebecca2014]

Tbh he sounds like a normal teenager to me! of course it is unacceptable he is attacking his father and that needs to be addressed but social services? I am sure you can work this out as a family.

[SheSparkles]

You've had 60+ replies saying that based on the information given, he's acting like an average 15 year old boy, but you don't seem to be hearing what anyone has said.

How about some perspective about what he ISN'T doing...

Smoking
Drinking
Doing drugs
Engaging in underage sex
Mugging old ladies
Missing school

[BareGrylls]

my DH ends up going to prison as we are at the point of killing him.
Poor lad.
You don't get SS to take a baby away because they won't stop crying. This is just another stage in parenting. Confrontation is really not the best way to manage what is pretty normal teenage behaviour. If you want to escalate things then by all means carry on reading his private messages , turn off his TV as if he were a two year old and interfere with his tooth brushing

[Micah]

jeez. Is this for real?

You've likely made things way way worse cancelling his music lessons and school trips. What's the point of him even trying, everything been taken away, except the girlfriend.

I think you should apologise, reinstate his activities, and leave him be. If he messes up his exams, or his teeth, his problem.

[TheLastResort1971]

Thank you for all your posts/ and where applicable advice will take stock, digest and see where we can move on from here

[Lj8893]

When I was 15 my older boyfriend lived across the road and was at college. I would come home from school everyday and sit at the top of the stairs staring out the window waiting for him to come home from college and come and see me. I'm sure my grades suffered, and I'm sure I drove my mum potty.

But I've got to 27 and have survived!

[StrawberryTeaLeaf]

He was booked to go to France and Germany next year with the school which I have cancelled as he has not earned it, was paying for private music tuition weekly also cancelled as no interest so why waste £100 per month

Bad move. Surely the main problems are a bit of surliness and disengagement from school/learning and you want him to re-engage with his school work? Cancelling the school trips have removed useful external incentives for him to do that.

As for the rest, it sounds like a rough adolescence, not Soc Ser bad.

What were your teenage years and your DH's like?

[Francoitalialan]

Your language is very formal. I'm wondering if you have some sort of "rules" which you think your son/all teenagers should comply with?

OP I don't have teenagers yet but I work with disaffected YONG men and I tell you this - carry on treating him with such little respect, and treating him like a child, and someone other than the girlfriend will come along and make him feel a whole lot better, and then you've lost him.