15 yr DS with Girlfriend = Disaster

[TheLastResort1971]

Hi All,
Hopefully someone can guide me on our current situation.
We have DS 15 and DS 12, the 12 yr old is a dream the usual little ups and downs but nothing major. My 15 yr old has turned our life upside down and we are now at the point of involving social services to hopefully have him moved out of our home before my DH ends up going to prison as we are at the point of killing him.
8 mths ago he got a girlfriend which initially started off as a very light not intense relationship, we invited her to us for dinner on numerous occasions as well family gatherings, DS 15 has become infatuated with her to the point his school work has taken a huge nose dive going from a A/B predicted student to a C/D prediction and that's if he is lucky. When not at school he is constantly messaging the GF or FaceTime when questioned about his homework he says he has completed it at school which we believe but I'm guessing the bare minimum. He was booked to go to France and Germany next year with the school which I have cancelled as he has not earned it, was paying for private music tuition weekly also cancelled as no interest so why waste £100 per month. He has no respect for me or his Dad and we are at the end of our tether.
Has anyone had experience of similar and what is the process of trying to get social services involved as it is now affecting DS 12 which is not acceptable.
He is deceitful, devious and all that matters is this GF, the messages consist of swearing his undying love, never want to lose you, want to spend the rest of my life you, her response is just yes me to so it is mainly him being infatuated rather than the other way round.
We are at our wits end as to what to do next.
Any advice,suggestions would be greatly appreciated
Thanks in advance

[IfNotNowThenWhenever]

Ok see OP update now. Good luck op.

[Katedotness1963]

You seem to be awfully hard on him, he sounds like a normal teenage boy. The only thing I find surprising is you wanting social services to take him away before your husband kills him. I think you want the wrong person out of the house.

[IfNotNowThenWhenever]

Basically, your husband winds him up, and then your son reacts. Your son is becoming a man. The way to handle this is not for the alpha male in he household to try and assert his dominance, and inflict humiliation on your son at every opportunity.
If you and ds are bickering your husband should stay the fuck out of it.
Maybe get your husband re homed?

[Francoitalialan]

I was referring specifically to the awful parents I deal with, and I still maintain that the violent abusive neglectful people I see are far worse than a parent who clearly loves her child, who didn't arrive with a teen-manual.

[Micah]

Francoitalian- under-reacting does not define a crap parent.

Crap parents can be over involved, controlling, stifling, and manipulative. Often all done in the name of love "if we didn't care we wouldn't be bothered"

Abuse can come in the form of making a person dependant and scared to step out of line. Not saying that's what's happening here, just that apparently concerned parents aren't always what they seem.

[Francoitalialan]

Stop. Seriously.

[ZoeConnor85]

If you think social services are going to step in to make your child behave you are delusional

[Francoitalialan]

RTFT Helenluvsrob.

[Helenluvsrob]

Uh? He's being a teenager. Soc services wont be interested apart from maybe why you are " at the point if killing him"..

Don't you see that stopping his music and stopping him going to Germany are only giving him more tine to be infatuated in, and taking away the props he has for when the relationship fails?

Parenting course ? That's about the only hung I can think if to help you

[ShebaShimmyShake]

So glad you're taking positive steps, OP, and I can't tell you how much I respect you for working out some anger management techniques.

[BitOutOfPractice]

Fairenuff you were a real rebel with your loud Billy Joel!

[Francoitalialan]

Ok everyone the point has been made. The poor OP has got tension at home, a lovesick pesky teen and then gets a rinsing from a load of strangers. If she was so awful she wouldn't be posting and she clearly loves him to bits and wants the best for him. Hang in there OP!

Crap parents under-react, Luke the fuckwits I have to deal with, who seem barely aware that they are parents, let alone take an interest in their childrens' teeth and grades.

Let's all just back off please?

[LadyPenelope68]

You want to contact Social Services over this? I actually feel very sorry for your son. First sign of problems you want him out and to involve the Authorities? I think you need to take a step back, start treating him the age he is and actually listen to yourself, I really can't believe a loving, caring Mother could be talking about their child in such a way over teenage issues.

[fastdaytears]

You're yelling at a 15 year old to clean his teeth?

I think you have only seen the public face of other people's teenagers. They are all a pain at home in one way or another and your DS doesn't sound unusual at all.

You need to change how you approach him, but from what you say more change from your DH than you. They "under my roof" stuff is a bit old school. It's your son's house too.

Good luck.

[APlaceOnTheCouch]

Good luck Op

[AIN]

You need to allow him some independence and give him respect if you want it back. Who on earth asks their 15 year old if they've brushed their teeth! I guess as well from your comments that he doesn't feel worthy of your love and respect so you certainly won't get it back.

[coffeeisnectar]

You are being far too controlling. You monitor every aspect of his life to the point of smothering him. Leave him alone.

At 14 I stopped telling my oldest to do her teeth, when to go to bed, reminders about homework, what to take to school etc. Told her it was her responsibility to remember her things, do her homework or face the consequences at school, sleep at a reasonable time or be tired all day etc. It worked and she's now 17 and able to manage her time between school, work, friends and sleep. She earns money and has a savings account set up.

I basically gave her some trust. Something you aren't doing with your son.

Her room is still a tip but can't have everything.

[katiekatie44]

I hate virgin mobile my DD has ADHD to teenage hell personified !

[Fairenuff]

Although I agree some comments aren't helpful

You can hide the thread if you've had enough of it OP. Good luck with your lovely sons.

[katiekatie44]

My DD is like this and then some teenagers are hard work. Your 12 year old will probably give you grief soon he's approaching that age. Think your being ridic and pretty cold I actually feel sorry for your son.

[Fairenuff]

Why sign off from a forum that's given you help and advice?

You can stop posting on this thread if you've gained enough from it but if you stick around and keep reading, especially on the teenagers board, you might find the continued support and advice helpful, even if you are only lurking

[TheLastResort1971]

Finally thanks again I'm going to sign off now from the forum
DH has read and digestive the comments we have taken note and decided we will both change how we approach the situation by allowing more leeway and if we feel annoyed we should go outside and cool off the 10 mins to diffuse any potentatial argument, we are the adults and we need to be making positive changes to ourselves as well and realising we should not be to harsh not just us asking DS to change with nothing reciprocated.

[BareGrylls]

I think Fairenuff outlines a very good plan. Above all though I think you should get your DH to read the replies on this thread because it does seem to be his red rag to a bull, as you put it, reaction, to mild back chat that is worrying.

[ihatevirginmobile]

I think you need to have the 'it isn't about me and Dh, our lives talk'.
I dropped out and kicked off as a teen - stopped going to school altogether, caused chaos, did some really stupid things...relationship with parents completely broken down.
My teen DD (14) recently diagnosed with ADHD - (suspect I have it too) means that normal teen behaviour is amplified...
But before the diagnosis we were doing ok...not great but ok - now doing slightly better.
DP despairs when eg she is late handing in homework ...
I don't - she is still going to school and she is still doing the homework - she isn't smoking or doing drugs or screwing around - and I know that wasn't true for me and it isn't the case for a lot of teens.
She probably won't achieve the very best she is intellectually capable of at school but she will do ok -the best she can in the circumstances. I can't force her to do.
From a much younger age I was determined to make her having to do things about her, for her - not me or DP. Not make the same mistakes as my parents (tbh it gave me get pleasure when my parents got in trouble for eg me not attending school and I also realised that they can't physically make you go and stay).
So teeth brushing - I explained to her - they are her teeth - if she doesn't want to brush them it won't be me who is having fillings and struggling with rotten teeth. It is her choice. I will remind her ...but that's it - haven't 'forced' her to since she was 11 or so (and not had a single filling yet)
If she doesn't do well at school, get her exams - I will be fine -it won't make a difference to my life - it will to hers. She won't have as much choice, she might end up stuck doing something she hates and unable to change...but it is her life, her choices.
When I do things like take her phone off her at night (otherwise she will be awake all night) I explain why - it is incredibly addictive and adults (I) struggle and it is even harder to have the self discipline when you are younger. Ever so often I give her the chance to proof to herself that she can put it down and go to sleep at a reasonable time (she can't). So I take it off her, and explain it because I care about her and I don't want her to find it hard to get up in the morning and feel awful all day.
In a few short years he will (hopefully) be at university - living on his own, with no-one to tell him what to do - to study ...or brush his teeth...and he not only has to want to do it for himself - he has to be able to do it too...
That's my job - give her guidance and help her to be able to look after and take care of herself...

[Fairenuff]

This is a good start OP but you need to get your dh on board too.

When I was a teen whenever I got pissed off with my parents I used to go to my room and play very loudly