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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

12 year old daughter not interested in her appearance

101 replies

Sleeplessworry · 30/10/2015 07:53

Hi I know this is a miner issue but worried about my 12 nearly 13 year old daughters attitude to her appearance she is not interested in makeup like a lot of her friends and is only happy if in jeans and a hoody which is fine by me but the thing is if we go out for parties, special occasion or family meals she is not interested in getting dressed up for them either I have to fight her to just put on a nice top and jeans and a little bit of makeup she hasn't always been like this just the last year she used to like to dress up when we went out and paint her nails and thing like that but now all she's interested in is utube and her iPad when I ask her why, she says I'm just not girly she also admits that she doesn't wear dresses as she is too lazy to shave her legs but I have said a nice top and trousers is fine but it is hard work to get her to choose anything she's not very confident but we tell all the time how pretty and how proud we are of her I just worry that she is going to get left behind as the girls her age seem to be more into their fashion and appearance although I am pleased she isn't into posing and taking selfies of her self like a lot of them (she also goes to an all girls school) even her cousin who was a real Tom boy and would only wear boys cloths seems to embrace her girly side these days does anyone else have this issue with there 12 13 year old

OP posts:
Keeptrudging · 30/10/2015 09:56

My DD is the same, but that's fine, her group of friends are also not obsessed with hair and make - up. There are other groups of girls at school who are. Neither 'group' hassles the other group about how they choose to dress, as far as I can tell the make - up group are quite competitive with each other as to how much they put on (lots)!

My DD doesn't get it. She has worn make up since she was teeny for dance shows so it's got no real appeal for her, she just thinks it's a faff. Likewise straightening her hair - it's ok once in a while for a laugh, but she prefers it natural (mildly messy/curly).

Your daughter is obviously happy how she is, leave her be and appreciate having a child who doesn't value appearance above everything else.

MrsJayy · 30/10/2015 09:58

Saying the op is vile a bully is really harsh she just wants her dd to be happy and confident saying those things are not helpful trying to negotiate through teen years is hard enough without other mothers piling on. Loads od nearly 13yr olds shave their legs orwear make up . The ops dd isnt interested.

momsnest · 30/10/2015 10:05

I'm 35. I have never worn makeup. l mostly wear jeans and a hoodie. I never faff with my hair.

I have a husband, 3 kids, friends and a public facing job. So far my appearance has made zero difference to any of these things. My DH loves me because of who I am as well as what I look like. My kids are happy. My friends come over regularly. I perform well at work.

There's no issue here. Let her be and if in time she turns girly show her how to put on makeup without the use of a trowel. That's all you need to do. As long as she is clean no one will care honestly.

rogueantimatter · 30/10/2015 10:07

Is your main worry that she'll be left out of social stuff?

Please don't worry - she'll find a friendship group, as other posters have said.

I agree that you'd be better not mentioning her appearance; good, bad or indifferent as it will give her the message that you value her appearance above other things.

Are you worried that she's depressed? Is there any thing else that might point to that?

Honestly though teenage girls can go through phases of dressing in different styles in quite rapid succession.

I was disappointed that my DD felt the need to wear mascara when she was 12. She's 19 now and just discovering the joy of managing to get out of the house quickly instead of taking ages to get ready.

LilacSpunkMonkey · 30/10/2015 10:36

As this is a 'miner' issue, I'm guessing your fictional DD is not wearing makeup because it would be ruined down t'pit.

bearleftmonkeyright · 30/10/2015 10:39

Hi Micah, I realise this thread has moved on a lot but I agree with your point entirely. I have a 13 year old DD who is a good wearing outdoorsy girl who was never interested in make up and is only just starting to experiment with it now.

bearleftmonkeyright · 30/10/2015 10:39

Good should read hoody

Perfectlypurple · 30/10/2015 10:40

My dsd was the same at that age and still is now really. Her mum forced her to wear make up and generally made her wear clothes she didn't want to wear and controlled her with little things like this. My dsd voted with her feet and moved in with us.

Some girls are not into make up, clothes etc.

DeputyPecksBentBeak · 30/10/2015 10:45

You compliment your daughter on how pretty she is but you try and persuade her to wear make up when you go out to parties Confused You can see why this is conflicting, no?

LikeASoulWithoutAMind · 30/10/2015 11:20

Good for her. Being a girl/woman isn't all about looks. And 12 is still a child - far too young to be worrying about makeup etc.

I rarely wear makeup and only shave my legs if I feel like it. I nonetheless appear to be quite a successful member of society.

Please find some other things to compliment your dd on.

timelytess · 30/10/2015 11:22

OP, she's right and you are wrong.

LilacSpunkMonkey · 30/10/2015 11:54

Well, the OP won't be back because she's stocking up at the Full Stop Shop.

RiverTam · 30/10/2015 12:40

Are you always such an out-and-out twat, LilacHmm?

MrsDeVere · 30/10/2015 14:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Fiona4545 · 30/10/2015 16:40

Maybe it's you that's out of touch. Round her it's "in" to wear skinny jeans and a hoodie and trainers. DD is 14 (nearly 15) and has only been wearing mascara for about a year, she said its "not cool to look like a try hard"Hmm . She won't wear "party" clothes but that's up to her. Leave her be she's 12 you should be pleased she's not plastering it on!

BackforGood · 30/10/2015 16:52

I read the title and though - 'Good. What's the issue being posted about?'

You really seem to be projecting some issue of your own here. I wouldn't expect a 12 yr old to be wearing make up, shaving her legs and whatever else you'd have her do.

I suggest you leave her be, as long as she's clean and tidy when you go out to a family 'do'.

avocadoghost · 30/10/2015 16:55

What the fuck?! She's twelve!

Find something real to worry about, fucking hell.

dodobookends · 30/10/2015 17:08

If she hasn't always been like this and has only really 'lost interest' over the last year, she might just be wanting to assert her growing independence from you and decide for herself how she looks.

There is also the possibility that she has been bullied or teased about her appearance at school, girls can be really catty especially at this age and she might have taken something to heart.

Roussette · 30/10/2015 17:14

She sounds like my DD who is in her 20's! Seriously, I am not joking. She works in a creative young company, she wears jeans and casual tops, converse, no make up to work, and when I stayed with her a while back says she's stopped wearing jewellery/earrings because she can't be bothered!

(I doubt she shaves her legs too!) However, she looks gorgeous and natural, is doing well and is happy. How different is she to your DD, OP? Not a lot.

vdbfamily · 30/10/2015 17:27

I so so wish my 12 year old would be happy without make up. She is so beautiful without it but since starting secondary school has become more and more interested in her appearance. I don't think this is a good thing at all and you should be praising your daughter for accepting how she is and not obsessing over her image. Maybe she felt a pressure to conform on starting secondary school and then realised she was happier the way she was.

JeffreysMummyIsCross · 30/10/2015 17:38

Are you for real, OP?

And have you heard of a full stop?

LilacSpunkMonkey · 30/10/2015 18:02

Yes, thanks, River.

And so are you, by the looks of things.

JustDanceAddict · 30/10/2015 18:33

The only thing that rings strange here is that she has lost interest in her appearance, not that she has no interest. My DD is 13 and has only been interested in make-up/looks for around 9 months, since 12.5, billion only really wears it for parties - not an everyday thing at all. Has never been very girly, but that is what she's always been like. Does she go out with friends, is she interested in extra-curricular stuff? That's what would concern me along with a lack of interest in herself, if she previously had interest. Does that make sense?

RiverTam · 30/10/2015 18:49

Have I made twattish irrelevant comments about the OP's spelling and grammar? No. I gave my opinion (probably a bit punchily) on the OP's post. That's all.

Lweji · 30/10/2015 20:08

The only thing that rings strange here is that she has lost interest in her appearance

I wonder if she lost an interest in her appearance at all.
It's just that her appearance is different from what her mother is used to.
And I'd have to wonder if she previously dressed "nicely" and wore make up Hmm more to make her mother happy and conform to what was expected of her.
It just looks like the onset of independence and the teenage years.