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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

12 year old daughter not interested in her appearance

101 replies

Sleeplessworry · 30/10/2015 07:53

Hi I know this is a miner issue but worried about my 12 nearly 13 year old daughters attitude to her appearance she is not interested in makeup like a lot of her friends and is only happy if in jeans and a hoody which is fine by me but the thing is if we go out for parties, special occasion or family meals she is not interested in getting dressed up for them either I have to fight her to just put on a nice top and jeans and a little bit of makeup she hasn't always been like this just the last year she used to like to dress up when we went out and paint her nails and thing like that but now all she's interested in is utube and her iPad when I ask her why, she says I'm just not girly she also admits that she doesn't wear dresses as she is too lazy to shave her legs but I have said a nice top and trousers is fine but it is hard work to get her to choose anything she's not very confident but we tell all the time how pretty and how proud we are of her I just worry that she is going to get left behind as the girls her age seem to be more into their fashion and appearance although I am pleased she isn't into posing and taking selfies of her self like a lot of them (she also goes to an all girls school) even her cousin who was a real Tom boy and would only wear boys cloths seems to embrace her girly side these days does anyone else have this issue with there 12 13 year old

OP posts:
Theydontknowweknowtheyknow · 30/10/2015 08:39

she's not very confident but we tell all the time how pretty she is

Of course she's not confident if you are always telling her she needs to be pretty.

That is your problem right there! You are equating confidence with appearance and I think you've been watching too many L'Oreal adverts.

For the love of God please go to your daughter right now and tell how proud you are that she is true to herself and doesn't buy into all that commercial shit. And don't comment on her appearance at all.

MrsJayy · 30/10/2015 08:40

She is hiding under a hoody leave her be she is comfortable without getting noticed she maybe thinks her hoody is a nice top dont force her to wear clothes she doesnt want to its a pita sometimes but get her to choose nicer going out tops that she likes perhaps she is struggiling with puberty and likes the baggyness of her jumpers. As long as she is clean and tidy the trimmings doesnt matter.

Orangeanddemons · 30/10/2015 08:46

I hope my daughter's like this at 12. Jeans and hoodie, no make up, unshared legs. Fab! Just like a 12 year old should be.

Orangeanddemons · 30/10/2015 08:47

Unshaved legs obviously! Not sure how dd can share her legs...

Longtalljosie · 30/10/2015 08:47

Why does she need to wear makeup at 12?
Why does she need to shave her legs at 12?
You sound like the mum in Bend It Like Beckham...

MrsJayy · 30/10/2015 08:48

She doesnt need to be told she is pretty i know you are trying to build her esteem but harping on about pretty might make her feel worse because she is seeing other girls faffing about with make up and hair that might be her deifinition of what you think is pretty iyswim. My eldest lived in hoodies and jeans from 12ish she wasnt arsed about make up or nice tops if we were going out she would wear a shirt and zip up hoody its fine honestly she is in her 20s now and does wear nice tops and what not.

ElsaAintAsColdAsMe · 30/10/2015 08:53

It isn't an issue at all.

The issue is her confidence is being completely undermined by you telling her she needs to wear make up, shave her legs and wear clothes you like.

If all of her friends are doing something that she isn't it says to me she is confident enough to be who she wants to be just now, good for her, don't destroy that.

SparklyTinselTits · 30/10/2015 08:53

I'm probably going to get flamed....but I'm in the same camp as you OP.
No matter how people try to tell their kids that appearance doesn't matter....the fact is, in the real world, yes it does. It matters a lot. Especially to teenagers! Now I'm by no means saying that it's ok, but it is what it is.
My mum was always inspecting me and my sister to make sure we looked presentable. I remember spending half an hour before school having my hair done, whining and moaning that she was hurting me....but she wouldn't let us go to school with a hair out of place. I would come home with grass stains on my socks, and less than perfect pigtail - but that didn't matter, as long as I was primped and pretty when I arrived at school. That's probably why I was (and still am to a certain extent) very aware of my appearance. As a teenager, I would get up extra early to make sure I had time to make my self presentable before school! And carried provisions in my school bag in case of a make-up or hair emergency!
If your DD is comfortable in jeans and a hoody, not interested in makeup etc that is more than fine. But I'm willing to bet, in the next few years, she will start taking an interest in dressing up for parties and stuff. She's at that difficult stage between little girl and teenager at the moment!

Branleuse · 30/10/2015 09:01

Are you kidding me???

MrsJayy · 30/10/2015 09:02

Nobody is really saying she should be untidy as long as she is tidy she can wear what she wants but you are right its that weird transition from child to teen im predicting she will go a bit emo in a year or so Grin

WorldsBiggestGrotbag · 30/10/2015 09:03

No matter how people try to tell their kids that appearance doesn't matter....the fact is, in the real world, yes it does. It matters a lot. Especially to teenagers!

But it doesn't matter to this teenager, just to her mother.

villainousbroodmare · 30/10/2015 09:03

Please, for the love of God, never again fight your child to apply make up! It is appalling that a twelve year old's MOTHER appears to think so little of her child's unadorned natural appearance that she is prepared to have a conflict over how she presents her face for a family celebration.

I bet she is clever, resourceful, funny, good at lots of things... those are the things to compliment her on, not her prettiness or lack thereof.

Just watch the screen time. She needs outdoor time, sport, books, social time too.

MrsDeVere · 30/10/2015 09:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsDeVere · 30/10/2015 09:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NerrSnerr · 30/10/2015 09:04

Just leave her be. There is no need for her to wear make up if she doesn't want to. She sounds fine, let her be who she wants to be, not who you want her to be.

Screaminlikeabanshee2 · 30/10/2015 09:07

Sparkly My head really hurts at that childhood you just described. Although you may have turned out alright I certainly wouldn't recommend it to anyone.

Every1KnowsJeffTheJerkOlantern · 30/10/2015 09:08

I looked like Hagrid when I was 12/13 so its no great surprise to me that your dd isn't interested at the moment.

The following year was an entirely different story.

Just leave her alone OP and stop lumping on the pressure.

BathshebaDarkstone · 30/10/2015 09:12

I don't usually come on here as I don't have teenagers but I was that 12 year old. I wore makeup when I was 22 and then I was a Goth. Let her grow up in her own time.

ReginaFerengi · 30/10/2015 09:12

She is 12.
She has the rest of her life to worry about make-up and clothes.

You really aren't doing her any favours with this shite.

LauraChant · 30/10/2015 09:13

I didn't shave my legs when I was 12. I certainly never wore make-up, and neither did my friends, apart from a but of nailvarnish perhaps. It seems really odd to me that you are trying to get your child to wear make up at 12. She doesn't really need it!

I wasn't into clothes at all until I found a fashion I liked and that suited me when I was 16ish. (60s types stuff).

I still don't wear that much make up, even when I got married. Personally I think it has saved me a lot of time over the years and it doesn't seem to have hindered me in any way.

TurnOffTheTv · 30/10/2015 09:13

You're forcing your 12yo to wear make up??

Bloody hell leave her alone or you will push her away.

Focusfocus · 30/10/2015 09:13

I cannot imagine a 12 yr old in make up. Or shaving legs. My flabbier is truly gasted at your post.

itsbetterthanabox · 30/10/2015 09:15

Many adult women don't wear makeup or shave their legs. Why do you want a 12 year old to do it?
Think why do you care so much about how she looks?

tattychicken · 30/10/2015 09:20

I have a 12yr old DD, lives in hoodies and trainers. Not remotely interested in her appearance. I nag her to shower/brush hair and teeth, but beyond that, as long as she and her clothes are clean and reasonably tidy, that's fine with me. Just leave her be, she's fine as she is, she's just different to you.

LemonBreeland · 30/10/2015 09:20

Please, for the love of God, never again fight your child to apply make up! It is appalling that a twelve year old's MOTHER appears to think so little of her child's unadorned natural appearance that she is prepared to have a conflict over how she presents her face for a family celebration

^^^
This! Why would you make a child think whe doesn't look good enough to go out without make up? I wear make up every day but would never actively encourage my child to wear it, at any age.

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