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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

12 year old daughter not interested in her appearance

101 replies

Sleeplessworry · 30/10/2015 07:53

Hi I know this is a miner issue but worried about my 12 nearly 13 year old daughters attitude to her appearance she is not interested in makeup like a lot of her friends and is only happy if in jeans and a hoody which is fine by me but the thing is if we go out for parties, special occasion or family meals she is not interested in getting dressed up for them either I have to fight her to just put on a nice top and jeans and a little bit of makeup she hasn't always been like this just the last year she used to like to dress up when we went out and paint her nails and thing like that but now all she's interested in is utube and her iPad when I ask her why, she says I'm just not girly she also admits that she doesn't wear dresses as she is too lazy to shave her legs but I have said a nice top and trousers is fine but it is hard work to get her to choose anything she's not very confident but we tell all the time how pretty and how proud we are of her I just worry that she is going to get left behind as the girls her age seem to be more into their fashion and appearance although I am pleased she isn't into posing and taking selfies of her self like a lot of them (she also goes to an all girls school) even her cousin who was a real Tom boy and would only wear boys cloths seems to embrace her girly side these days does anyone else have this issue with there 12 13 year old

OP posts:
wickedlazy · 30/10/2015 09:22

Agree, as long as she is clean and wearing clean clothes, leave her be (unless it's a really formal event like a wedding, even then make up is a personal choice). I know plenty of women who never wear make up, and only shave their legs when they' want too. Some wear a lot of casual clothes, others do wear dress's and stuff. Some do their eyebrows and nails, others don't. They never smell or look dirty which is the important thing.

Each to their own. If we were all the same, the world would be a very dull place.

RiverTam · 30/10/2015 09:22

So what you are teaching her is that her only value to you, and to the outside world, is to look 'pretty'.

Totally vile. Reign yourself in right now before you end up with a DD with serious self-esteem issues. You may be as shallow as a puddle - make sure you're DD isn't.

RiverTam · 30/10/2015 09:23

Rein, not reign.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 30/10/2015 09:24

My parents were telling me I was too young to shave my legs at 12 and the idea of them persuading me into wearing. Make up is laughable. She's a child. She can wear what she likes and she's clearly not ready to play dress up as a woman and that's fine! Whatever you do don't tell her she's not a proper girl if she wants to wear jeans and hoodies

MrsDeVere · 30/10/2015 09:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BoffinMum · 30/10/2015 09:29

Sounds like me at 12.
As long as she is clean and tidy I would not care at all about this.

GruntledOne · 30/10/2015 09:30

You fight her to get her to wear make-up and she's 12? What on earth are you thinking?

BoffinMum · 30/10/2015 09:30

PS I've been a professional singer and done TV stuff where I had to look exceptionally well-groomed, so I can turn it on if required, but I am equally happy in jeans and a slightly battered walking jacket.

BoffinMum · 30/10/2015 09:32

Grin at Every1knows. Hagrid.

I looked like a windswept Princess Diana with spots, haha.

Tinklewinkle · 30/10/2015 09:33

Is her personal hygiene ok? Showering/hair washing? I'd be concerned if she wasn't keeping on top of that, but as for make up/leg shaving/etc, I couldn't give a stuff.

My DD is now 14 and does wear make up, shave her legs, but isn't overly interested in clothes. She wears leggings/jeans/hoodies too, she hates dresses and skirts and hell will freeze over before she'll wear one. I abdicated responsibility for her clothing choices a long time ago

If we're going out somewhere special, I do expect her to wear something appropriate though, eg, we're going to my brothers wedding in a couple of weeks so she's chosen a nice pair of trousers and a top, but for a family meal in the pub - jeans, hoodie and Vans is the norm

As long as she's clean and wears appropriate clothes for school, I wouldn't worry. At 12 mine didn't wear make up or shave her legs either. Now it's all hair straighteners and make up

unlucky83 · 30/10/2015 09:33

My DD1 (14 almost 15) went through a stage of dressing up for parties etc when she was 12-13. Now she wears jeans and hoodies and 'band shirts'. No make up (except a bit of spot cover up Wink, odd bit of eye liner), she does shape her eyebrows and shaves her legs and armpits -afaik and has done for years - she is hairy and has an almost monobrow otherwise but I have never encouraged or discouraged her from doing anything - (except shaving her pubic hair with a razor...just asking for shaver rash - think she trims with scissors - her shout really)
Honestly I am more than happy that she isn't plastered in foundation with those paint on eyebrows ...but if she was I would support that .
She is finding out who she is - not a mini-you, not her friends, herself. And that is great.
One of the saddest things I have ever heard was a girl at her primary at 10-11 complaining she wasn't allowed to take her hair straighteners to their activity week - they would look like a fluff ball without them, she said her mum was going to talk to the school about it (don't know if they did) ffs she was going to be doing outdoor activities - would she be scared to get her hair wet when they were doing raft building? - or break a nail on a rope swing?
At DDs school as far as I can make out the girl groups are 'plastics' (formerly 'orange') girls, the 'naturals' and the 'geeks'
Think DD is either a natural or a geek...so they all find their own niche...leave her alone!!!

Londonista123 · 30/10/2015 09:36

I was like this as a teenager - didn't really "get" clothes or want to participate in the teenage social scene, and happy to wear hoodies and jeans.

I'm 29 now, and my relationship with my mum is awful, in part because the way I looked seemed to embarrass her - as though I wasn't feminine enough. It's terribly corrosive. She was forever buying me "lovely" outfits and sending me out to parties, trying to get me to listen to the latest pop music when I was into AC/DC and the like. I felt as though she'd have preferred a different daughter.

Please leave her be. She'll inevitably experiment with makeup and different clothes as she gets older. For now, being that age is hard enough as it is, without this unnecessary pressure from her mum.

OldGreyCat · 30/10/2015 09:36

As long as she is clean and her clothes are tidy then I'd leave her be.
She is very young to be thinking of 'appearance'.

I expect she is 'pretty'.
All young people, imo, by sheer virtue of being young and fresh, bright eyed and bushytailed, are lovely.

But I'd tell her how bright and funny, kind and clever, original and fun she is.

ToddlerTantrums · 30/10/2015 09:41

This makes me really sad. Leave her alone. As long as she's not neglecting personal hygiene just let her get on with it.
Why you would bully a 12yo to be more girly is beyond me.
And like other posters have said, find something else to compliment her on. Believe it or not there's more important things in life than being pretty. I really feel for your daughter.

Lweji · 30/10/2015 09:41

I know this is a miner issue but worried about my 12 nearly 13 year old daughters attitude to her appearance she is not interested in makeup like a lot of her friends
I have to fight her to just put on a nice top and jeans and a little bit of makeup she hasn't always been like this just the last year she used to like to dress up when we went out and paint her nails and thing like that
she says I'm just not girly she also admits that she doesn't wear dresses as she is too lazy to shave her legs but I have said a nice top and trousers is fine but it is hard work to get her to choose anything she's not very confident but we tell all the time how pretty and how proud we are of her

Good god!!!
You are really insisting your 12 year old wears make up?
Really?
And insisting on her looking "pretty"?

She is bloody 12! And you'd probably get the same reaction from me if she was 21, or 41.

There is so much more to girls than looking pretty, FGS.

For some reason your OP really irritated me on your DD's behalf. and I hope it's a wind up

HeteronormativeHaybales · 30/10/2015 09:41

You 'fight' your TWELVE year old to apply makeup? Good God, woman, whatever are you thinking?

Your behaviour about her appearance is setting her up for feelings of inadequacy for life, not to mention catastrophic ideas of what being female is about.

Please back off. She sounds fabulous just as she is.

cleaty · 30/10/2015 09:42

She sounds like me at this age. I wasn't interested in dressing up because I didn't want to attract boys. I am a lesbian.

scallopsrgreat · 30/10/2015 09:42

Would you be worried about his if she were a boy?

specialsubject · 30/10/2015 09:42

clean, tidy and not smelling are all that matters. The rest is optional. Perhaps she has more interesting things to do with her time? Perhaps she is valuing her education more?

stop praising appearance. Start praising education, intelligence, achievement.

too many silly shallow women (and men) as it is. Encourage the right things.

MrsJayy · 30/10/2015 09:47

If she cant be bothered to shave her legs then thats ok let her wear her jeans if she wants to hide in her hoody let her wear a different hoody or a top and a zip up she can still look nice and feel comfy to go out guide her dont say you need make up or you need to shave your legs she will get there.

MrsJayy · 30/10/2015 09:49

Although if its a wedding or something then jeans and a hoody might not be appropriate

SmellyHead · 30/10/2015 09:51

Why on earth would any mother encourage her 12 year old child to wear makeup and/or shave their legs?

Lweji · 30/10/2015 09:52

That's easily solvable.
Only take her to a wedding when it's her own. Her legs will probably be covered anyway.

bellendoftheball · 30/10/2015 09:52

Rejoice OP, that she's resilient enough to be herself without worrying what others will think. And hope she stays that way.

Notice her strengths and praise them instead of focusing on appearance. Enjoy her for who she is

tilliebob · 30/10/2015 09:56

My now 14 year old is like this -she washes and wears clean clothes, but dressing up, make up, straighteners, branded gear and all that malarkey has bypassed her so far. Most of her friends are caked in make up and have "confirmed" to the teen stereotypes but DD just does her own thing. I don't really care can't think where she gets it from. If she's grown up watching me slap make up on, stress about clothes, or give a toss about brands/designers, I guess she may well have followed that line as I'd probably have made it a priority to involve her.