Feel like I barely know DD these days

[hollyislosingthewill]

I know they need their independence etc but I'm feeling a bit fed up with DD. She is 14 and only seems to bother with conversation if it's to a) ask for food b) money or c) can blah blah sleepover.

I try to make conversation daily she barely listens or answers with one word answers glued to her phone. What pee's me off the most is I can be trying to have a chat and literally get ignored then her friends call and she's life and soul. She texts me from her room with things like "I'm thirsty" "can you put heating on" . I decided to not keep pestering for a chat and we didn't talk for a week!!

We have always had a good relationship but now I feel a bit like a slave/bank.

Maybe text her and tell her she can come down and ask you those things herself and say, by the way it would be nice to see better manners from you as I'm your mum.
I understand she is individualizing but if she can be nice to her friends, she can be polite and talk to you especially when asking for things. Maybe you could suggest it's time she takes on more roles to help out, she can be in charge of doing her own washing for example, cooking some meals? I dont want to sound harsh and I am all for her becoming an adult etc but she needs to help out and not treat you like a mug (even if you don't mind her doing this). Her friends later onat uni, and in future rental situations will probably thank you.

Who else is in your family? Do you have family meals?

Don't accept texts asking for drinks etc. Just tell her calmly and lightly that she should go and get a drink....

Would she go with you on a shopping trip (for her) at half-term perhaps?

Don't accept no answer either but don't make a big deal of anything IYSWIM.

Can't you just take the phone off her?

I see most of my teens at meal times. There are no phones / screens at the table, and we've always eaten (and talked) together as a family, so it's just normal for them.
Other than that they tend to disappear into their rooms for most of the time they are in.
The other time we talk a lot, is in the car when I'm taking them to / fetching them from activities. There's always been something about a car journey that relaxes them into chatting.

Obviously I wouldn't be responding to 'orders' by text, so they wouldn't bother even trying to demand drinks, etc.

Yes to lifts in cars. I used to offer to give DD (and her friends) lifts. Sometimes, if you keep quiet when they're with friends they almost forget you're in the car and you can eavesdrop.

If she txts tou from her room to say she's thirsty, what do you do?

I hope you ignore?!

I would ignore the texts for drinks etc and jokingly tell her to bring herself downstairs and get it as I am not her servant.
I had a similar situation with my DD yesterday when she barely responded to me on the phone with yes and no answers. I got really annoyed and sent her an irritated text, stating that I do not expect this kind of behaviour from her at any time and that I will not be calling or texting her any longer and she can call me when she has decided to behave like a reasonable human being. She called and apologised within 10min.
Good luck, I sympathise and understand how upsetting and trying this is for the parent.