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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

So my 16 year old is suddenly difficult

67 replies

SouthWestmom · 28/08/2015 22:59

So, she has been great. Obviously there have been stripping periods but nothing off any scale.
Recently though, she has really developed an attitude. Thinks she is allowed and entitled to tell me when she thinks I'm crap, in public, tell me off for being embarrassing etc. I have asd and have tried very hard to like myself after years and years of social anxiety and hard work so this is not nice.
It's the entitled attitude I think. Her brother has asd and requires a lot of support and because she has always been fine I've realised that now at sixteen I can't reign anything back.
She has become totally vain 're: family snaps and selfies and photos. If any put snaps on FB unless approved by her. She wants endless attempts at a photo when out, sucking all the joy out of things we do. At the theatre recently she took my phone and deleted a FB post I'd added where she was behind her brother and she didn't approve. I think as I loaded it she said don't but it coincided. So she asked to see it (on my phone) and just deleted my post. I feel this was appalling and overstepping any mark. Treating me like a child. She then refused to acknowledge this, refused to accept she was ruining the day and we came home way with her telling me I was a disgusting person. This was yesterday. We haven't spoken since and she is being terribly nice to dh and making a point of chatting to him. I told her to move from my space this evening and she finally did, saying I was pathetic.

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Original poster

SouthWestmom · 28/08/2015 23:01

Stroppy not stripping.
The day was ruined because she refused to accept she was out of order over the phone, refused to apologise and just dug her heels in.

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ImperialBlether · 28/08/2015 23:02

Your DH needs to have your back here. It's normal to have a stroppy teenager (though she sounds very cruel at the moment) but both parents need to back each other up. He shouldn't let her get away with it; he shouldn't be nice to her when she's hurt you.

Tell him a united stand is the only way to go. It's horrible for someone to bully you like that (because that's what it is.)

ImperialBlether · 28/08/2015 23:04

At her age, there's nothing wrong with really limiting how often you go out with her. If she complains, tell her straight why you don't want to. She's cruel to you. She embarrasses you. She bullies you. Don't get into a conversation about it, just say, "No, it's okay, I'll go out on my own."

Original poster

SouthWestmom · 28/08/2015 23:10

Thank you.
I feel as though she's got carried away by her own fantasticness iyswim? She is tall, beautiful, clever, popular - it's all come together in the last six months and she seems to be a bit (hate this expression!) big for her boots.
We were on holiday and she told me that I sounded stupid talking to little ds and the woman behind us had thought it was cute but then looked like I was an idiot.

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ImperialBlether · 28/08/2015 23:19

Is she planning to go to university and if so will she move out there?

When she was younger you might have wondered how you would cope when she left (particularly as her bad temper didn't emerge until recently) but now I'm sure you know you'll cope perfectly well!

MudCity · 28/08/2015 23:29

Sorry to hear this. Tell her she is being unpleasant and a bully. And people don't like bullies. Do not pussy-foot around her...she needs to hear it loud and clear from both you and your husband. There needs to be clear consequences for her behaviour because otherwise, the result will be a very controlling, unkind and bossy adult with no friends. How ugly is that?

Original poster

SouthWestmom · 28/08/2015 23:32

Imperial it's probably biological to ensure a clean break at 18

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RJnomaaaaaargh · 28/08/2015 23:33

I'm feeling real sympathy for her tbh.

Your anxiety, hard as it is, is not h problem. She's at a very self aware age. At 39 I hate photos of myself online. I can see how a vulnerable teenager dislikes them.

I do think you need a chat about how she talks to you in public, although if she's waited til this age to tell you you are Embarassing you're doing bloody well tbh.

Original poster

SouthWestmom · 28/08/2015 23:35

I'm a bit stuck for consequences mud, if I'm honest. She's not a child or a young teen so where the others can have Xbox withdrawn or write a letter or naughty step, etc, I don't really know what to apply.
I guess I am terrified of making it worse and having her leave or go off the rails but I know this isn't the way to think.

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Original poster

SouthWestmom · 28/08/2015 23:37

RJ, I don't really understand - can you expand?
I get its my job to suck it up over being embarrassing but I do think it's overstepping the mark and rude to tell me in public or to have deleted something without warning.

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RJnomaaaaaargh · 29/08/2015 01:01

I just don't see anything there that beyond the realm of usual teenag embarrassment to be honest.

She doesnt like th way she looks in the photos. You can't see beyond your anxiety to recognise that's to do with her insecurities and not anything to do with yourself. Then you get on your high horse about her removing Thr phot and accuse her of ruining the whole day.

Unless I missing something huge you are being high handed and blaming her for things that aren't her fault. And then a whole day on, you reject her again.

Teenagers are sensitive. They don't like the way they look. I haven't doubt Thr way she's talking to you is out of order but treating her like not wanting a photo of herself she doesn't like in the public domain is a crime is just way too much.

Focus on the issue if it's about how she talks to you. Let her have th control on her photos. Sucking the joy out? Just say no, enough, no photos of you going on so don't worry, at present you are minimising her concerns as a still quite young person and using your social anxiety as a reason not to focus on her concerns.

I do feel really sorry for her. It also sounds like shees been a bit overlooked for her asd brother, which I can understand too, if she's not caused problems and he's needed exta support, but trust me if this is the biggest issues you have with hr you should thank your lucky stars.

DelphiniumBlue · 29/08/2015 01:29

Sorry, I think you're being a bit unreasonable about the photos. I know its a painwhen teenagers are so focused on looking perfect, but RJnom in her post has made some vert y pertinent points re insecurities, and the possible
Underlying reasons for her behaviour.
But I'm shocked that you think it's acceptable to put a photograph of her online without her specific permission, that's a huge invasion of privacy, made worse by the fact that you know shes sensitive about itI think you owe her an apology, no wonder she's upset.

Travelledtheworld · 29/08/2015 06:43

Noeuf I sympathise.
My daughter 17 also thinks she has the right to criticise things I say or do.
I think she is just trying to antagonise me.
I either ignore her, or take a stand and say " that was a very rude and hurtful thing to say, please do not speak to me like that".
She also refuses to let me take any photographs of her at all and would be absolutely furious if I posted any pictures of her on Facebook.
We have practically no photographs of our teenage children at all, and I occasionally say "if you went missing we would have no photographs to give the police", and they just laugh at me.

Travelledtheworld · 29/08/2015 06:45

I am sure her she and her friends are posting photographs of each other all over the web.......

SanityClause · 29/08/2015 07:06

I'm inclined to agree with RJ and Delphinium.

You feel it was an invasion of your privacy to delete your FaceBook post? What about the invasion of hers, that you put her photo on there in the first place?

You think she was treating you like a child, but I would guess she felt you were treating her like one. She would have felt a total lack of control over her situation. She asked you not to put the picture on Facebook, but you did it anyway. (I do appreciate that it was about the timing, and if she'd asked a few seconds earlier, you might have had time to talk about it, first.)

I understand that her obsession with her looks can be frustrating for you, but, rather than being vain, it's more likely to be a symptom of insecurity about her looks.

If photo taking is taking too long, just take some without her, or don't take any. Photos aren't as important as happy memories.

Also, I think quite often children with a "difficult" sibling can have a hard time of it. They are stuck in the "easy child" box, and have to constantly live up to those expectations. Their needs can be overlooked, as less important. You really need to watch this, to ensure that she feels like you see her as a whole, complicated, human being, in her own right.

Pneumometer · 29/08/2015 07:08

I am sure her she and her friends are posting photographs of each other all over the web

Which is rather different to your parents doing it.

SanityClause · 29/08/2015 07:10

I agree with Travelled about handling the rude things she says, too.

DH finds this hard. DD1 (16) will say something rudely, and he will argue the point, when what he needs to do is ask her not to be rude. Her point may or may not be valid, but it should be expressed politely, either way.

ApplesTheHare · 29/08/2015 07:20

Although her comments and attitude sound cruel, her behaviour around photos suggests she is very insecure. Perhaps it would help your relationship if you respected her choices around photos. I remember how horribly self conscious I was at that exact age (others would have said I was young, beautiful, etc., doesn't mean you realise it yourself when you're a teen) and I'd have hated my parents putting photos of me online.

NeverHadHaveHas · 29/08/2015 07:34

I think YABU about the fb photos. I am insecure about how I look on pics. I rarely post pictures of myself on fb and am very embarrassed if people take photos of me and then 'tag' me in. I would find it very disrespectful if someone knew that I had this issue but insisted upon continuing to post photos. I would probably express my frustration in a more rational way, but probably not when I was 16.

You are posting photos for your own personal gratification, it is totally unnecessary to post photos to have a good day out. Actually, I think that it makes you less 'present' if you are fretting about capturing your fun for fb's benefit.

Isn't it a case of pick your battles and avoid unnecessary arguments? To me this looks like a situation caused by you refusing to take her opinion on board, and then blaming her for ruining your day. I would be irritated to if I was her!

icclemunchy · 29/08/2015 07:36

I think you have a point about the photo op. So mistimed communication Ment the photo was posted and she didn't like it. The correct response would be "can you take it down please mum" to just take your phone and delete it is rude!

I think you need to call her up on it every time. You don't need to be nasty but if she's being rude or hurtful tell her, and with the million photos id take one or two and then say enough if she doesn't like the photo she doesn't have to use it but you won't be taking anymore

IFancyRichard · 29/08/2015 07:37

Work out what you want from this. Is it control? Is it understanding and respect? Is it a happy house?

If it's the first...good luck with that.

If it's the other two then you need to model that. Pick a private non confrontational moment. Apologise for the FB picture. Teenagers are really sensitive about image. Let her know that you will respect her view on that and are sympathetic. But then tell her how you want her behaviour to change, tell her how it makes you feel and talk about your struggles. Come alongside and show you're human. She may not respond (teenagers aren't experienced enough to handle things that well) but before further argument develops walk away and leave it with her to think about.

SanityClause · 29/08/2015 08:45

Just re-read your post about her "making you look like an idiot" talking to DS in the queue.

That's exactly how she felt when you put her less-than-perfect picture on Facebook.

You need to try seeing it from her perspective, if you want her to see it from yours.

Savagebeauty · 29/08/2015 08:52

I hate photos of myself and vet any taken. You are overstepping the line putting up photos without her permission.
My teens would go ballistic if I did.

Shockers · 29/08/2015 09:04

I have to promise that I won't post photos at the point of taking them!

DS2 did become a little bit openly critical of me over the summer. It is, apparently 'banter', but I have explained that I don't like, or appreciate it.

What worked better though, was when some very cool, slightly older teens pulled him up on it. He has actually calmed it down now.

Do you do anything that's just you and your DD? You mention that your younger child has ASD and needs support, but the teenage years are incredibly confusing for many, so DD will need your support too (however much she appears to shun it).

Good luck - it can be a blimmin minefield at times, can't it?!

Original poster

SouthWestmom · 29/08/2015 09:21

Sorry! Fell asleep, will read through and answer any questions. ThAnks for replying I'm sure it will be helpful.

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