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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

So my 16 year old is suddenly difficult

67 replies

SouthWestmom · 28/08/2015 22:59

So, she has been great. Obviously there have been stripping periods but nothing off any scale.
Recently though, she has really developed an attitude. Thinks she is allowed and entitled to tell me when she thinks I'm crap, in public, tell me off for being embarrassing etc. I have asd and have tried very hard to like myself after years and years of social anxiety and hard work so this is not nice.
It's the entitled attitude I think. Her brother has asd and requires a lot of support and because she has always been fine I've realised that now at sixteen I can't reign anything back.
She has become totally vain 're: family snaps and selfies and photos. If any put snaps on FB unless approved by her. She wants endless attempts at a photo when out, sucking all the joy out of things we do. At the theatre recently she took my phone and deleted a FB post I'd added where she was behind her brother and she didn't approve. I think as I loaded it she said don't but it coincided. So she asked to see it (on my phone) and just deleted my post. I feel this was appalling and overstepping any mark. Treating me like a child. She then refused to acknowledge this, refused to accept she was ruining the day and we came home way with her telling me I was a disgusting person. This was yesterday. We haven't spoken since and she is being terribly nice to dh and making a point of chatting to him. I told her to move from my space this evening and she finally did, saying I was pathetic.

OP posts:

RJnomaaaaaargh · 30/08/2015 11:13

Op, I've learnt over the years that when my teenager girls insults at me it's because that's how she feels about herself at that moment.

So a firm that is out of order leave the room until you can speak nicely followed by a conversation half an hour later with a hug works. Since I started taking this approach the rudeness has decreased hugely.

Bin85 · 30/08/2015 11:17

Talking in the car works well.
A lot of peer pressure at this age.

Original poster

SouthWestmom · 30/08/2015 11:20

Thank you, I will try the ' and you're being rude' approach and leave out lots of words.

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PenelopePitstops · 30/08/2015 11:38

Personally you should be allowed in her room, it's your house. You seem to have slightly skewed priorities when jt comes to her. I would say being allowed in her room is more important than her deleting a Facebook post. I also think you are mixing messages to her, she's hearing you get overly wound up about small things which is probably causing her to react badly to other things.

Come up with a set of ground rules that are non negotiable. Stick by them and let her suffer the consequences.

Original poster

SouthWestmom · 30/08/2015 19:43

Thanks Penelope. I think you're right.
I don't have much experience of being 16 and doing normal stuff - at this age I was very ill and lost a year in hospital/at home, and other things so I am not on familiar ground now. I can't remember/it isn't relevant what my mum did/didn't do due to the circumstances really.
She loitered after dinner so I took the opportunity to lay down some rules. I'm not up to a big chat so she did say I was just telling her off, but I took only five minutes to say I wasn't interested in her opinion of my parenting or personality and it was rude; three essentials about her room and agreed no FB photos even if she is just in the background. Immediately though she wanted to change that to me putting up ones she likes!

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Alonglongway · 31/08/2015 09:19

Well done - even a teenager can stand 5 minutes!

Mrsjayy · 01/09/2015 12:42

I think she is being quite rude however i would never put photos of any of my dds on facebook without their say so stop putting them up tell her you have no time for her posing then tantruming about a bloody picture. you dont need to put up with being spoken to like shit on her shoes though i dont know why people think its ok. if she says gawd mum you are embaressing she just needs a look of ok then stop pandering to her or you will never go out the house being self concious 16yr old is hard for them but there is no way you have to be abused like that.

Original poster

SouthWestmom · 01/09/2015 15:29

Thank you mrsjayy, that's very nice to hear!
I agree re photos and that's fine.
Yesterday I tried to chat and she's not having it. She's now all 'you've ignored me for four days' (massive exaggeration) and yesterday completely ignored what I'd said, took my phone and added something to contacts (her number - there were a couple logged) and when I reminded her Id asked her not to do that she just told me she hoped I was joking! So I'm going to change the pin code.

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Mrsjayy · 01/09/2015 15:41

sigh she sounds a handful overdramatic even. i wonder if she is just realised she gets attention for acting like this it sounds hard work my ypungest started acting up a bit at 16/17 she was quite happy to bob along her sister was 14 and a pita but by 17she was slightly better they get self obsessed and its bloody exhausting dd1 is a grown up now and pleasant to be around again dd2 isgetting there

Original poster

SouthWestmom · 01/09/2015 19:00

Yes the self obsession is wearing. I did tell her today that I wasn't pleased that she chose to be nice because she wanted a lift. I did collect her because she wouldn't have got to work otherwise. However, apparently she can't accept that I'm allowed to pull her up and she isn't allowed to tell me off. I've explained I'm not her friend and basically left it that we weren't going to carry on arguing and yes, I'm right until she moves out. I'm also not going to accept a load of conditions around photos so I've said I will make sure she isn't in any, that if I have time I will indulge the posing etc but if not she just won't feature.

OP posts:

BobOmb · 01/09/2015 19:44

I'm the daughter of a mum with ASD and the teen years were hard for me and my siblings. She had a lot of rules - some valid, some not. She would not talk to us for days if we turned the telly off differently to the very specific way she needed it to be turned off. Due to her ASD everything is set in stone to her.

I think you need to find some time to talk things thorough without mentioning any rules. You don't need to be her friend but I think you can afford to be friendly. I'm not sure being right all the time until she moves out is the best move - you may see her moving pretty quickly.

At 16 she's finding her voice as an adult, learning to manipulate her language - it's what teens do! They think they're the first people to have ever gone through what they have and don't always have the eloquence and logic that comes with age. Teenagers are sometimes just toddlers with a better vocabulary.

In the grand scheme of things she doesn't sound that bad. It's hard to not take the things they say personally, especially when they know they exact buttons to press. The key is to not take it personally and not getting drawn in. As others have said, there's a reason she's behaving like she is - she has her own thoughts, feelings and anxieties. Try and find out what they are.

Original poster

SouthWestmom · 02/09/2015 17:57

Hi Bob, thank you that's interesting (especially about the rules).

However I am slightly posses off as my mother has just demonstrated exactly how I am alone in tackling this - ds came down with a top she needs for schools tomorrow. Same brand new top that should have been hung up weeks ago. I say fgs Dd you'll have to wear somethibg else. Mother gets the ironing board out (in my house) and is now ironing the bloody top. Directly contradicting me.

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Original poster

SouthWestmom · 02/09/2015 17:58

Pissed not posses

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saoirse31 · 02/09/2015 21:04

Its six o'clock and u think ur dd can't wear a top tomorrow cos its not yet ironed?? I think you're making and looking for problems to be honest.

And of course your dd will have opinions on your parenting... You're her parent, how wouldn't she have opinions? Regarding her expressing them rudely take prev posters advice and don't accept it but don't expect her not to have opinions, she's almost an adult.

Original poster

SouthWestmom · 02/09/2015 21:10

No, if she would iron it herself that would be fine. She's been asked and told for weeks to tidy her room and hang clothes up (all Summer) and so I genuinely think she needs to learn the consequences.

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Oswin · 02/09/2015 21:45

Leave her too it with her clothes, if there creased there creased. Don't even remind her she has to learn.
Your mother isn't gonna be there every day to do that for her, she will have to step up her self.

Original poster

SouthWestmom · 03/09/2015 19:54

Thanks. Tbh I'm exhausted at the moment. Ds is back to school and a nightmare.
Tonight dd came back from town and has dropped in how she's annoyed she can't go to a sleepover at her boyfriends because she's working. I was a bit, erm hello, you wouldn't be going anyway!
Apparently she's 16 and she can do what she fucking well wants

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