Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

So my 16 year old is suddenly difficult

67 replies

SouthWestmom · 28/08/2015 22:59

So, she has been great. Obviously there have been stripping periods but nothing off any scale.
Recently though, she has really developed an attitude. Thinks she is allowed and entitled to tell me when she thinks I'm crap, in public, tell me off for being embarrassing etc. I have asd and have tried very hard to like myself after years and years of social anxiety and hard work so this is not nice.
It's the entitled attitude I think. Her brother has asd and requires a lot of support and because she has always been fine I've realised that now at sixteen I can't reign anything back.
She has become totally vain 're: family snaps and selfies and photos. If any put snaps on FB unless approved by her. She wants endless attempts at a photo when out, sucking all the joy out of things we do. At the theatre recently she took my phone and deleted a FB post I'd added where she was behind her brother and she didn't approve. I think as I loaded it she said don't but it coincided. So she asked to see it (on my phone) and just deleted my post. I feel this was appalling and overstepping any mark. Treating me like a child. She then refused to acknowledge this, refused to accept she was ruining the day and we came home way with her telling me I was a disgusting person. This was yesterday. We haven't spoken since and she is being terribly nice to dh and making a point of chatting to him. I told her to move from my space this evening and she finally did, saying I was pathetic.

OP posts:
Original poster
SouthWestmom · 29/08/2015 09:28

Thank you, its really interesting to hear your views and that I'm not alone in some of it!
're: the FB post, I was ' checking in' and the photo was of ds but she was behind him and smiling in the background, knowing it was being taken. I would never take a specific photo of her to post anywhere without the endless filtering, checking.

OP posts:
Original poster
SouthWestmom · 29/08/2015 09:34

I think the reference to my social anxiety was to explain why hurtful comments might be harder for me to brush off, iyswim?

OP posts:
Original poster
SouthWestmom · 29/08/2015 09:39

However I agree 're: being overlooked (I think it happens subtly not overtly) and about 'what do I want?' If I'm honest I don't know. At her age I would never have spoken to my mother like that regularly - maybe in a big row but I wouldn't feel it was ok to just pass comment and and have it let go.
We can't continue not speaking, but I can't let her carry on. The photo was a mistake, obviously I now have to extend to not putting up photos where she is in the background either.

OP posts:
IFancyRichard · 29/08/2015 10:38

Noeuf

There's more to this than a FB picture. Your comment about obviously I have to extend to not putting photos up when she is in the background either sounds very resentful.

Not putting photos on FB really isn't the end of the world so is it about the fact that you feel she has command over various aspects of your life? As a teenager she's suddenly becoming autonomous, having an opinion albeit sometimes an irrational (to you) opinion.

I think you have to give her some slack here and let her make decisions about her space, her body etc (e.g. photos invade) and not resent her for this

It doesn't mean accepting rudeness. Tell her that's a no but you have to also concede that she is now an adult and entitled to feel differently than you expect.

You are both irritating each other. You feel as a parent you are always in the right. Her only option is then open rebellion.

Original poster
SouthWestmom · 29/08/2015 10:51

Hi Richard, I think that's more my asd really - I meant it in a factual way. Like, I know not to put photos up of her and now I need not to put photos up with her in the background. I do think my asd makes it hard for me to easily relate though.

OP posts:
SanityClause · 29/08/2015 11:02

Why don't you speak to her?

Apologise for putting up the photo, and explain that it was just poor timing, and you didn't think it would matter to her, but now realise that it did, and that you are sorry you upset her.

Explain that you would rather she had asked you to take it down, rather than just highhandedly taking it down, herself.

And every time she is rude, don't engage with what she has said, but ask her not to be rude. Really. "You're so embarrassing!" "Please don't be rude to me."

My mother has ASD. She can be very embarrassing. She often chats to people in the street, that you could see are feeling uncomfortable that a stranger is talking to them. She misses their cues to say, "stop talking now". I can deal with this as a 47 yo. As a 16yo, I would have been cringing.

Cut her some slack.

ImperialBlether · 29/08/2015 11:14

I agree you're safer not putting any photos of her online but at the same time I think people are being harsh on you, OP. She shouldn't be talking to you like that - it's really rude and disrespectful.

Original poster
SouthWestmom · 29/08/2015 11:28

Thanks imperial, its hard to explain.
If it was just 'youre so embarrassing' it would be less hurtful. It's more specific; she seems to becoming one of those 'mean girl's and not really getting how it comes across. For example she will text and ask me to pick her up at short notice but if I dare to say it would be nice to get some warning if she e s planning somethibg that might involve me (after work) she starts a row. As long as no-one pulls her up on anything she's brilliant.

OP posts:
Savagebeauty · 29/08/2015 11:35

Well if she wants picking up at short notice and is rude about it.... Don't pick her up.

PenelopePitstops · 29/08/2015 11:54

Talk to her. I agree with those who think YABU about uploading photos. She sounds like she is coping with a lot as a teen and tbh isn't going outside the realms of normal teenage behaviour.

The lifts I would stop unless she was nice, BUT, it depends how you are challenging her, is it's "dd, before you go out, could you let me know if you'll need a lift back?" that's fine.

If it's after you've picked her up "don't do this again, we need warning", you've sent her the wrong message by agreeing in the first place.

ImperialBlether · 29/08/2015 11:54

The thing is that sometimes you need to pick them up if there's a safety issue and sometimes they are just being lazy.

I would tell her that unless she gives you some notice, you won't be picking her up. Maybe she could ask her father, since she's so nice to him? You need to play hard ball - it will be difficult but if she's horrible to you, you really shouldn't be doing her favours all the time.

Savagebeauty · 29/08/2015 12:10

Mine know I never pick them up Smile

ImperialBlether · 29/08/2015 13:06

What, never?

Original poster
SouthWestmom · 29/08/2015 13:06

It's more I got a text at work and can't reply in detail so addressed it afterwards, like can you just tell me earlier if you're going out somewhere I need to get you from, rather than texting at short notice so I have to change my plans? Ie instead of coming home from work via tesco I have to go to x,y, z

OP posts:
Savagebeauty · 29/08/2015 13:07

Never
We live in SW London so no shortage of public transport.

Shockers · 29/08/2015 13:09

I rarely pick mine up if there's another option...

Original poster
SouthWestmom · 29/08/2015 20:17

Safety thing really , some of her friends are quite rural and late transport is patchy. There has been A thawing - she deigned to pick the phone up and tell me what she wAnted from the supermarket...

OP posts:
Youarentkiddingme · 29/08/2015 20:39

My 11yo with asd hates having photos put on FB without his approval. Hates anyone commenting that they saw a photo of him without knowing they've seen it. So RJ has a valid point. Your focussing on your anxieties but surely you can understand hers are also anxieties.
If she speaks rudely to you tell her the way she's speaking is unacceptable and if she wants money to do stuff she can treat you with respect.
When your taking family photos ask her if she wants to be in it or not. If she doesn't it's her choice.
If she asks for your phone ask her why. Don't give her the phone, get her to communicate why she wants it. If she says she wants post deleted be respectful enough to do it and redo one that excludes her. But get her to communicate her POV politely and clearly - remember the toddler phase!

I agree your eh needs to back you up. So if DD says "mum your so embarrassing" he needs to reply that actually it's the family embarrassed by her behaviour right now as they believe they bought her up better. Then walk on and disengage.

Original poster
SouthWestmom · 30/08/2015 09:19

I don't really care about 'mum you're embarassing' it's 'youre a disgusting person' type comments or critiquing my parenting that bothers me.
We are back to childishness - she's just left for work and did an Waltonesque goodbye excluding me.

OP posts:
Original poster
SouthWestmom · 30/08/2015 09:23

I need to get over my fear and talk to her about this. I don't really want a long discussion , I just want some basic ground rules.
I think I'm going to say she was wrong to delete the post; that I won't include her in family photos unless she wants to, but that it won't then be a ten minute session of filters, lights, editing, checking; that if her room isn't hygienic and free of cups/mugs by Saturday night I will do it myself (I'm not allowed in but it's disgusting) - remove cups, bin rubbish and hang clothes up. And any negative comments designed to belittle me will result in docking her ,allowance.

OP posts:
Alonglongway · 30/08/2015 10:01

Having teen DDs myself - couple of thoughts

Important to say sorry yourself when appropriate - you need to role model how you want her to handle things that don't go well. Maybe too late for this example but could you explain you hadn't realised you caught her in the Facebook pic?

We sometimes have time limited conversations - literally put a timer on for 5 mins and agree it will end immediately the timer goes. They respond quite well to this - need to make sure they get a chance to speak and it's not just you sounding off!

Not sure about docking the allowance for rudeness - that could lead to endless teen lawyer negotiations about what's rude, what isn't, what's just normal teen parlance that you don't understand etc etc. I would just go with directly confronting the language as it crops up - lay down some rules about how we all speak to each other

Good luck!

Original poster
SouthWestmom · 30/08/2015 10:07

Thank you, its really hard with sanctions as she is too old for the ones that worked in the past.
Thinking back up can remember this coming up a couple of times with teachers, a kind of arrogant stubbornness/ unwillingness to apologies or back down.

OP posts:
borntobequiet · 30/08/2015 10:10

OP, you would do well to read the advice from others on this thread. Apologise for the photos, tell your daughter you didn't realise how much they distressed her and that it won't happen again. Tell her how upsetting you find her rudeness and the fact that she is deliberately excluding you and being mean when you are her mother and love her so much. You could point out that, however upset she was, it was out of order to take your phone and delete the message. But leave out all the rest about her room and docking allowance etc as it will just sound like a rant and she will become cross and even more resentful. Save it for another time, and don't be confrontational when you bring it up.

Original poster
SouthWestmom · 30/08/2015 10:38

It's just one photo. I feel as though this thread is making assumptions about things - it is one photo that she was in the background of. I don't post photos of her, except for when she specifically requests that i take one as she 'looks good' and even then it takes ten minutes to get approval.
I think part of the issue, which is why on posted, is my having asd and having spent a lot of time being inferior to people and now not being confident or assertive when i am right. And why her specific insults are really hard.

OP posts:
slug · 30/08/2015 10:55

The most effective sanction I have with DD at the moment is my threat to fondle her father's arse in front of her friends. She's learnt not to complain about me being embarrassing any more.

If she does try she gets the following

Her: "Mum, you're being so embarrassing "
Me: "And you're bring rude"