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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Rent a room for a 16 yo

92 replies

Guisette · 31/07/2015 13:21

My 16 year old son is unwilling to live with my partner and I. (I divorced his father a while back, and he's not willing to accept me with another man). I understand that to get any kind of assistance from social services, it would be a long, drawn-out, agonising process.

I have tried to call local letting agencies about renting a tiny studio apartment, but even with me paying the rent and as the guarantor, they would not accept a 16 year old as the tenant.

His father lives in the United States but my son is culturally British. He desperately wants to do his GCSE's (he'd be going into Y11) in the autumn, but I am running out of options. Does anyone have any suggestions?

At 16, I know that he does not need a private fostering arrangement, and I would happily rent him a (reasonably priced) room in W6 or W4 or the general area, with me still parenting him and checking in on a regular basis. Welcome any thoughts that anyone has. :(

Thanks.

OP posts:

IsItMeOrIsItHotInHere · 09/08/2015 00:24

Good post starlight

Jac01 · 09/08/2015 03:31

I don't normally like reading replies where people are judgemental or criticising a poster, however in this case I can't help but agree with the majority...

Not only is a 15 year old (yes 15 not 16 if he's not yet entered year 11) being thrown into a flat or better still social services if they would work faster....he's also having to deal with a crap life of a dad with no contact and a mum who's Ill. I'm guessing he's aware of the plan to ship him off elsewhere, nothing says parental bonding better than that!

I may have responded kinder but the aggressive, defensive and swearing filled posts of the op makes me wonder what behaviours has this lad learned from such a loving mother....

As someone who suffers a chronic illness myself I have little sympathy for using it as an excuse to put your child's needs first, if he's acting out get to the bottom of it, don't quit and leave him parentless because it makes your life easier....Be a MUM!!

I wish the best for your boy and that he finds some positive role models

NickiFury · 09/08/2015 03:39

I'm sorry for your situation, I really am, but it's your teenage son's situation too and he us even less equipped to deal with it than you. I really hope you're not as aggressive and angry as this in real life, of you are, you should maybe look at where your son learned to be as unpleasant as you describe.

redcaryellowcar · 09/08/2015 05:52

I agree with others, In your situation I would live with my son and have my partner living nearby who I could see regularly. (I'd wonder if my dp was right for me if my son disliked dp so much??)
If you really can't do that would boarding school be a better option as they are at least set up for supporting young people of his age?

paxtecum · 09/08/2015 06:37

I know two women who are living with very abusive teen sons.
Both of them had abusive DHs that they eventually threw out, but not before the sons had seen a lot of verbal and physical violence.

One of the sons becomes abusive after drinking, punches holes in the doors and calls his mother a fucking cunt.
The other son smokes cannabis and has massive mood swings, also punches holes in walls and doors and trashes the house.

It is a massive problem.

Seriouslyffs · 09/08/2015 06:46

I think boarding school would be a good solution OP

SugarPlumTree · 09/08/2015 06:49

I know of a couple of children who dislike their parent's new partners who are lovely people and have done nothing wrong apart from be around a teenager full of hormones . It can be a really really difficult situation and I feel for those going through it. However teens that age can be difficult even when there are no other partners involved, there s a reason why people go on about the teenage years,

A friend is a manager in Community mental health and her DH a retired drug and alcohol adviser. They are having problems with one of their twins who is up to all sorts plus staying out and not telling them where she is all weekend. She's a year older and they are well aware that she could leave and go to a hostel but they have both dealt with a lot of people professionally who did this at 16 and they are dealing with the fall out of that experience ie. drug use and poor mental health.

Have you been to your GP about the situation? Given it has affected family life to the extent you are looking for alternative accomodation they may refer him to CAHMs. Are school aware and are they able to provide counselling for him? You are in a very difficult situation and it is hard to access help for nearly 16 year olds as other threads on here have shown before but not impossible.

Is there a relative he could stay with for a very short period of time whilst you work out a way on how to move forward on this ? He needs to see you fight for him, that one of his parents still wants him despite him pushing you away. But obviously you have to protect yourself and violence not acceptable, really difficult situation and I feel for everyone involved.

What is his school situation, others have asked about boarding school - is this an option if things can't be resolved any other way ? What is he like academically ?

I am really sorry you feel attacked. There are a lot of people on here with experience of very difficult teens who can support you with this. Would you consider drawing a line under this thread and starting another in the 'Teenagers' section'? You're extremely unlikely to be able to find private accomodation for him at this age unless it's an arrangement with a Friend or a hostel (which is unlikely to have a good outcome fir him) so are going to need a rethink .

Am writing this without caffeine in my system and really hope I don't sound as if I'm getting at you as I really don't mean to. Know how hard it is to have a 16 year old. I couldn't believe what my 16 year old said about her Dad the other day. He wasn't there thank goodness but she was deliberately trying to hurt me and it wasn't pleasant at all. He's been a fantastic Dad to her and she still lashed out at him.

SugarPlumTree · 09/08/2015 06:52

Really sorry, just noticed it is in Teenagers. Would you consider starting a new thread with a different title, explaining the full situation and everything that has happened that has lead up to this point?

Veh1970 · 10/08/2015 00:15

SugarPlumTree, thank you for giving the OP the respect of some constructive and sensitive advice.

PrimalLass · 10/08/2015 09:11

I know a couple of people who lodged when they were in the last year of high school (parents moved elsewhere but paid for these rooms). It worked well but there was definitely more drinking and less studying than there should have been

Charis1 · 10/08/2015 09:16

It is true that a lot of 16 year olds are living independently, just as it is true that a lot of 8 year olds and 10 year olds are neglected.

it is a terrible thing to do to a child, with long term educational, emotional and psychological consequences.

16 year olds have immature judgement, in fact, being teens, their judgement in many respects is worse than that of a 12 year old, as teens do regress in this respect.

They need parenting, support and guidance in order to develop and mature.

As parent, you have a responsibility to your son, not to your new boy friend.

bloodyteenagers · 10/08/2015 11:45

Lots of teens lash out verbally and physically. They scream that they want to live with the nrp.

Parents who don't give a shit, the kid is either kicked out or leaves.

Parents who care try and work through it. Try to find out what's going on. Arranges councilling or whatever.

But anyway I am going take my
Snobbish judgemental bitchy comments and go and deal with my own teens.

Lolamon · 10/08/2015 12:03

Your illness,divorce etc is not your sons fault. No wonder he is kicking off he's been along on this rocky ride with you but has little to no support.
You want to move in the new partner have you consulted your children in this move? They are their own people and you have to respect their views as you'd expect them to respect you.

My mum did this with my ss she's in bits and has retreated into her own world. All this chest beating about sacrifices etc is frankly narcissistic.

Your son needs support not being kicked out during a pretty tough time in his life

paxtecum · 10/08/2015 13:49

The son does need support, but at what stage do you stop giving support to a physically and verbally abusive teen?

One of my friend's has an extremely abusive son, who has trashed the house, fists through walls and doors and has hit his mother.

In there case there is no other man involved, but the son is still abusive.

At what stage should she make him homeless and stop being a punch bag?

Or because she is his mother of a disturbed young man should she just accept the abuse?

No easy answer, is there?

Seriouslyffs · 10/08/2015 14:11

Charis rtft

Charis1 · 10/08/2015 18:27

seriouslyffs, what a stupid thing to say

Seriouslyffs · 10/08/2015 20:15

Sorry Charis, I assumed you hadn't read the thread as your pious little post didn't address the OPs issues.

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