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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Rent a room for a 16 yo

92 replies

Guisette · 31/07/2015 13:21

My 16 year old son is unwilling to live with my partner and I. (I divorced his father a while back, and he's not willing to accept me with another man). I understand that to get any kind of assistance from social services, it would be a long, drawn-out, agonising process.

I have tried to call local letting agencies about renting a tiny studio apartment, but even with me paying the rent and as the guarantor, they would not accept a 16 year old as the tenant.

His father lives in the United States but my son is culturally British. He desperately wants to do his GCSE's (he'd be going into Y11) in the autumn, but I am running out of options. Does anyone have any suggestions?

At 16, I know that he does not need a private fostering arrangement, and I would happily rent him a (reasonably priced) room in W6 or W4 or the general area, with me still parenting him and checking in on a regular basis. Welcome any thoughts that anyone has. :(

Thanks.

OP posts:
Nonnainglese · 08/08/2015 08:46

I'm a bit puzzled
You're in Wiltshire but your son's 100 miles down the M4 in a London school. Couldn't he board or even move schools (and I realise that would not be ideal)?
The thought of a 15 year old lad living alone and fending for himself makes me shudder- regardless of how mature you think he might be that's preposterous IMO.
How on earth can you be parenting him from 100 miles away? I suspect it's against the law in any case, and no way could you be there in an emergency.

IsItMeOrIsItHotInHere · 08/08/2015 08:48

Sorry I missed the bit where the OP was 100 miles away Confused

BellaOfTheBalls · 08/08/2015 08:48

I appreciate you got a bit of a roasting (been there, it's not pleasant) but with only half the story I think it's easy to see where previous posters have gone wrong.

Your son is hurting. His parents divorced, his dad moved to another continent, his mum has a terminal illness & has found a new partner. That's a lot of change for an adult to deal with, let alone a teenager. He is now expected to do a year of schooling that has the potential to shape the rest of his life; while it's plausible to get somewhere in life without decent GCSE's, more often than not it isn't.

My concern would be that when you left, your son would be on his own thinking about you and your DP together while he is all alone & become resentful. Have you explored other options; counselling or family therapy? He needs to see that this man is sticking around and isn't going to swan off into the sunset like his father did.

SugarPlumTree · 08/08/2015 08:52

I'm very sorry for what you have gone through Flowers

But this is not a good idea at all, you are very likely to damage your relationship forever. FIL is currently dying in Spain but we are on holiday in Europe. He has been calling out for his children not understanding why none of them (4) were there. SIL has finally gone. Don't know what the reasons are for his two Brothers but I know in DH's case his Dad not being around much and then being put into boarding school for 6th form so they could emigrate where he had two miserable years has without doubt damaged their relationship. MIL said before she died she bitterly regrets that decision.

DH has thought about it at length and has decided he isn't going. I can't imagine not being there at the end for my Dad but won't be for my Mother who now lives in Asia but has lied and manipulated me and others to get what she wanted all her life so I totally get it.

Year 11 is a very stressful year and he will need stability and a strong guiding hand, i say this as a parent of a child waiting fir GCSE results. If you do what you're proposing you're in severe danger of his GCSE's going down the pan along with your relationship with him. You will forever more have put yourself above him and it is very hard to go back from there once it is done,

I know it's hard to hear what people are saying but the fact that nearly everyone is saying the same should say something.

IsItMeOrIsItHotInHere · 08/08/2015 08:55

And actually if he's going into his GCSE year that would be a very bad time to shirk your responsibilities to him and leave him to cope alone, however badly he tells you he wants it. Unless he's the most mature and self disciplined teenager in the world those exams are going up the swAnny and he'll be playing PS4 until the early hour and forgetting to get up for school.

Lightbulbon · 08/08/2015 09:06

This just doesn't make any sense.

So much of the relevant back story is missing.

Why don't DS and DP get on?

Why didn't ds move to us with his df?

There are plenty of 16yo who are kicked out of home and who are in hostels. It's not nice and never works out well.

OP what do you want from your relationship with your DS?

Does he remind you so much of your ex that you want him out of sight?

Tobagostreet · 08/08/2015 09:13

Guisette, I'll bet when you added 'welcome any thoughts' in your opening post you didn't remotely consider the 'thoughts' offered would be about your parenting....

Wrt accommodation for a lone 16 yo, you can keep trying private letting companies but I doubt you'd be successful. Also, unless a really good friend has offered a room, I wouldn't go about asking his friends parents (being judged as a bad parent in real life will be a whole lot harder than on MN). Best bet is boarding school.

Everything than can/should be said about your parenting of this boy has already been said, so I won't repeat it. Good luck with your new life, and I wish you good health.

Really hope your son finds stability and support for his next few formative years. Sad

OhBigHairyBollocks · 08/08/2015 09:19

Coming from someone that works with 16yo children who live by themselves (for a plethora of reasons) you are making a huge mistake.
I am sorry you are ill, I really am. But please don't do this to him.

springlamb · 08/08/2015 09:40

I don't think you should go ahead with your plan. I think it is selfish even in your circumstances. Sorry.
Do you own your current house? A possible solution might be to sell it and buy 2 smaller adjacent new build flats (ground floor). With your diagnosis, in due course you'd find it less stressful than worrying about house adaptations. You and your son could live fluidly between the two flats, with him having his own space as and when needed, but you retaining responsibility and being there for him. When he moves on, the 'spare' flat could provide income for you (and you may well need it by then). If your DP is able to purchase one of the flats with you, even better, so you buy one and a half. You could then will your half-flat to DP, and the spare flat wholly to DS, thus saving yourself more worry later on. It may seem callous to discuss wills but I am sure you know you will need to address these things and you may as well do all you can now to sort matters out.
If this, or some variation, is not possible, then I think you need to stay put.

IsItMeOrIsItHotInHere · 08/08/2015 09:46

I don't think the OP is going to come back. I hate it when that happens. She going off in a huff and refusing to engage and be helped to find a solution she's just demonstrated that her new relationship is more important to her than providing support and stability to her child.

Nice.

Original poster
Guisette · 08/08/2015 19:43

Thanks for your bitchy message. Really appreciated.

OP posts:
VixxFace · 08/08/2015 19:49

Regardless of the choice you made in the marriage or your illness, what does that have to do with your son??

You still have to parent. You don't get to boot your son out because mummy deserves to be happy. Motherhood doesn't work like that, well it can but it would make you selfish and self centred.

Also what kind of man would allow his partner to kick her son out over this? If he were decent he would step back for a little while and allow you to at least get your poor son through his exams.

Original poster
Guisette · 08/08/2015 19:50

IsItMeOrIsItHotInHere is who that was directed at. "I don't think the OP is going to come back." You know what, I'm not going to. I didn't join this group to post my entire life story for you to judge me, or my son, or my ex, or my partner, or my other child (who I haven't mentioned because she is perfectly content and happy with my partner who has been more of a father to her than her birth father ever was). Thanks for your judgemental, sarcastic, offhanded, rude, and offensive comments.

I didn't realise that I needed to post my entire life story - or all the things that have happened with my son - up here in order to garner a bit of advice. Instead, I got the shit beat out of me by some judgemental snobs. Go back to your dh's, dp's, ds's, dd's, and any other d(insert initial here) that you can think of. So "IsItMeOrIsItHotInHere", I don't have to justify myself to you or anyone else. Having my son refuse to obey house rules (long before there was ever a "dp") and threatening to go back and live with his daddy is apparently okay. Having him call me every offensive name in the book because he didn't want to do his chores is okay. God forbid that I met a man who actually stood up for me, and who is there with me and for me. I must tell him to go away until my son is grown and off to uni. Maybe you're going through menopause, IsItMeOrIsItHotInHere. I don't think it's hot in here -- it's just bitchy bullshit.

Now I won't be back. Buh bye.

OP posts:
Nonnainglese · 08/08/2015 19:56

^^ Shock
Suddenly the story's changing when you don't like the answers Sad

You'll only get answers to the question you posted, so what exactly did you expect!

VixxFace · 08/08/2015 19:57

Your kid is 15.

Original poster
Guisette · 08/08/2015 19:57

No one ever answered my initial question -- they just judged me. The story hasn't changed. I just decided that I didn't want to post my entire saga for the whole world to see. You chose to interpret it the way you did - and judged me accordingly. Thanks ever so much.

OP posts:
VixxFace · 08/08/2015 19:58

So the new boyfriend stood up for you against your 15 year old son. Right.

Is this serious?

Original poster
Guisette · 08/08/2015 19:59

Yeah, VixxFace, when he tried to hit me. Again, thanks for your support.

OP posts:
Original poster
Guisette · 08/08/2015 20:06

Or when my son made light/made fun of my illness, VixxFace. That's when my partner stood up for me. Guess he should just keep his mouth shut, right? And I should do everything I can to let my DS run ruckshot all over me. Again, thanks for your support.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 08/08/2015 20:11

If you had mentioned your son was violent and that you were ill, you would have had a very different response.

Have you thought of a boarding school? It might buy both of you some space.

Lightbulbon · 08/08/2015 20:47

OP you should have put your DS's bad behaviour in your first post.

People will post differently in response to a 'how to deal with a difficult teen' thread than a 'I want to get rid of my teen so I can build a live nest with my new DP' thread.

Mn is anonymous so it's expected that you would post the relevant back story to your question.

There are loads of mn regulars who've been through the mill with awful teenagers. There is lots of support here, but you have to be open.

Maybe start a new thread with the whole story fresh? You do sound like you could do with some support.

chippednailvarnish · 08/08/2015 22:45

Nice dripfeed.
You have had some very good advice, shame you won't listen to it as you're clearly too busy raging against anyone who has pointed out how unreasonable you are being.

textfan · 08/08/2015 23:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

starlight2007 · 08/08/2015 23:30

I am a LP and have done so since my Ds was a tiny baby..So yes I do know about doing it all. I also know about prioratising my Ds..

Flip this..Your Ds has been living in an enviroment where his Dad takes no notice, they seperate, his Dad jets off to a new country, mum is seriously ill, then gets new partner who want to be Daddy...

Yes the threats to go live with Daddy are hurtful when you have done it all but lashing out, he is 15 the jokes about been ill ( while hurtful are either set out to hurt or badly placed jokes) At 15 they really don't know how to deal with major emotions as we would like , but in he is in puberty add one of his most important years at school.

You sound very angry..Do you really think it is natural for you to want your 15 year old to move out...Yes I am sure many parents have there moments but the reality no...Does he know you are looking for elsewhere for him to live?

No one has said dump boyfriend however why do you have to move him in and Ds out?

Maybe you could do with some help with your relationship and managing your DS would be more appropriate.

BackforGood · 08/08/2015 23:52

As everyone else has said, people can only respond to the information you have given.
"Making your 15 yr old ds move out so your new partner can move in" is the message from the opening post - so that's what people responded to.

BIG dripfeed then on P2

Even BIGGER dripfeed just ^ re your ds acting out his anger and frustration.

People would have answered with more tact and concern, yes, but ultimately, you need to focus on helping your child deal with everything life has thrown at him as your main priority, IMO, even after all the extra information. Get him help for his anger. Let him know he is loved. Don't try to 'rent him a room' as that will just be another kick in the teeth for him.

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