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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Rent a room for a 16 yo

92 replies

Guisette · 31/07/2015 13:21

My 16 year old son is unwilling to live with my partner and I. (I divorced his father a while back, and he's not willing to accept me with another man). I understand that to get any kind of assistance from social services, it would be a long, drawn-out, agonising process.

I have tried to call local letting agencies about renting a tiny studio apartment, but even with me paying the rent and as the guarantor, they would not accept a 16 year old as the tenant.

His father lives in the United States but my son is culturally British. He desperately wants to do his GCSE's (he'd be going into Y11) in the autumn, but I am running out of options. Does anyone have any suggestions?

At 16, I know that he does not need a private fostering arrangement, and I would happily rent him a (reasonably priced) room in W6 or W4 or the general area, with me still parenting him and checking in on a regular basis. Welcome any thoughts that anyone has. :(

Thanks.

OP posts:
Original poster
Guisette · 07/08/2015 14:26

Wow, great to know so many people think I'm an awful selfish mother. I shouldn't have posted in the first place. Love how people jump to conclusions without knowing all the facts. I lived in a loveless marriage for 17 years, putting my children first, including above my health. My husband never worked a day. And don't think that he was the primary caregiver, unless you mean taking them to and from school. Cooking, cleaning, food, clothes, holidays? That was all me, folks, in addition to a full-time demanding corporate job.

Then I got sick. I have multiple sclerosis. Did my husband ever come with me to the neurologist? No. Never. Did he get a job because I wasn't supposed to be under so much stress and pressure? No, he didn't. So I finally found the courage to chuck him out.

Now I have an amazing man who loves me, cares about me, goes to the doctor with me, and is supportive of me on so many levels. So according to many of you, I am selfish for actually wanting to have a life.

What difference does a couple of years make? Well, let's see, the disease could progress and I might be in a wheelchair. or not. We don't know. On some days, I'm a drooling idiot who can't walk straight. Most of the time (so far), I'm not.

But thanks for telling me what a selfish awful bitch I am for even bothering to pose the question. I am so glad I joined Mumsnet - not.

OP posts:
Mabelface · 07/08/2015 14:33

People aren't psychic, Op. Maybe if you had given a little more information at first, the replies may have been different. However, your son is not your ex husband and his feelings are still very important here.

pinktrufflechoc · 07/08/2015 14:36

My dad did this but moved out leaving me in the house alone doing GCSEs and A levels.

It was horrible and permanently damaged our relationship.

EvansOvalPiesYumYum · 07/08/2015 14:41

I sympathise with your predicament, Guisette, but it is not your son's fault you have MS, nor that you and his selfish Dad (who lives hundreds of miles away) divorced. Your DS shouldn't be penalised. Give him another couple of years of your time. He is still reliant on you.

I hope you find a solution. Flowers

wafflyversatile · 07/08/2015 14:42

None of this is your son's fault.

FortyCoats · 07/08/2015 14:46

You didn't say any of that before. I'm sorry you've had such a shit time. Really I am. I can't even imagine what it must be like. Your son still comes first though in my book. You gave your life to him, he didn't take it from you. You have every right to be happy but you also have an obligation to the son you brought into the world.

If DP is as understanding as you say then he will surely be happy with a young lad being given the opportunity to remain in his home and finish out his education. If that means not moving in completely then so be it. My husband works crazy hours and is sometimes gone for days, doesn't mean our relationship is less important, valued than any other.

Make quality time for you and Dp and he can move in a later stage. No?

nonameatall01 · 07/08/2015 14:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PatriciaHolm · 07/08/2015 15:02

Your terrible marriage wasn't your sons fault.

I'm sorry your health is poor. But the fact remains you are prioritising your relationship, and having another pair of hands at home, over your son at a very vulnerable time of his life.

If you throw him out (which is how he will see it) your relationship with him is unlikely to ever recover.

chippednailvarnish · 07/08/2015 15:06

I love the way you don't even mention your son in your second post.

Regardless of the rest of the circumstances, you sound like you can't wait to get rid of him.

hairtoday1 · 07/08/2015 15:07

I think the comments still stand op.

If you're partner is as good as you say he is surely he'll understand that your sixteen year old son comes first?

MrsLeighHalfpenny · 07/08/2015 15:07

I'd happily rent a room to a 16 year old boy with parental supervison close at hand, if it can help out a struggling family. Unfortunately we're about 60 miles away.

bloodyteenagers · 07/08/2015 15:14

Blokes come and go. Your children don't. Don't make him suffer for the choices that you made. Don't make him suffer because of your health. You could have left the relationship at any time during those 17 years. But you didn't. You chose to stay in a volatile relationship. Is it any suprise that growing up in a house with his father he isn't keen on trusting this guy?

Guiltypleasures001 · 08/08/2015 02:08

Nothing you have said makes the least bit of difference, if matey ever died fecked off anyway your son would be all you had to rely on, but at the moment he really has not got that in you.

Your making a your son accept a shit situation because of his father, it's not fair.

gymboywalton · 08/08/2015 07:37

so what? so life has been hard to you?
you don't get to say that you have done your bit and being a parent is over!

You are still a parent!

he is 15! if he was 25 i would say you were fine but he's 15!

you now have to be a parent with ms
it's tough but it has to be done

if your partner is so fab then it shouldn't make a difference-he should be able to support you in parenting your son

Noteventhebestdrummer · 08/08/2015 07:44

Your DS doesn't really have a choice does he? That's one of the tough things about being a kid. I don't agree that you should sacrifice living with your DP. DS will just have to put up with it.

Gunpowder · 08/08/2015 07:52

Would you/he consider boarding school?

NerrSnerr · 08/08/2015 08:00

I'm sorry OP but you still need to put your son first until he's 18. He will remember that you moved in a man and (effectively) kicked him out.

It's shit that your ex is a twat but that isn't your son's fault. I assume you are so defensive in your second post because you feel guilty.

Tweennightmare · 08/08/2015 08:02

It's difficult but I agree with other posters DS comes first. My DH is not even living with me in the same country at the moment as he got a job overseas just as my DS started his a levels here in the UK . We agreed it would be unfair to move him and so we are sucking this up seeing each other every 6 weeks or so untill he finishes next year . I am jealous of you if you have your partner in the same city at least you can still see each other regularly. Support your son through his GCSE's this year then reassess living with your partner otherwise I think it will be a decision you regret in years to come

Ledkr · 08/08/2015 08:16

To be fair though, isn't there a point where the ops son should compromise a bit too?
Point blank refusal to allow his mother to have a new partner when he will soon be moving on himself.
Plenty of kids (mysekf and my dc included) have to accept a step parent into their lives.
I think the son sounds a bit immature and controlling to be fair.

IsItMeOrIsItHotInHere · 08/08/2015 08:25

It's important to know how long ago you split with your ex husband and how quickly you moved in this man. Teenagers do find it extremely difficult accept usurpers in their parent's bed, and with their feet firmly under the table. They find it far harder to cope than younger children. it's hardly a revelation, ask anyone who had the stepparent from hell foisted upon them and feels forever damaged by it.

You don't seem to consider that his father was his main carer but I doubt your son agrees if he was a SAHF the whole of your sons life. He's probably still reeling that You broke up and that his Dad buggered off to the U.S. And now to add insult to injury he is being forced to live with a man he intensely dislikes.

It's nothing to do with your illness. That's irrelevant. It also doesn't matter that you consider yourself to have been in a loveless marriage with a lazy shit. Why you divorced is irrelevant. You have a duty to your son and that is to put him first until he is eighteen even if it impacts annoyingly on your new love life.

IsItMeOrIsItHotInHere · 08/08/2015 08:31

But I will add that if he is being a bit wayward and challenging generally and it's about more than just the new man, sometimes allowing them to move out is the only solution before you lose your sanity over it.

You could rent a place in your own name don't tell them it's for your son, make sure you stay there yourself on occasion so it doesn't arouse suspicion and visit him and check on him VERY REGULARLY so that you are very on the all about what's going on in his life. unhappy, angry lonely boys can go to the dark side very quickly given half a chance.

IsItMeOrIsItHotInHere · 08/08/2015 08:33

Very on the ball

LIZS · 08/08/2015 08:34

Does your dp have to live with you to offer the support? Maybe be prepared to hold off , potentially until Ds is more comfortable with it or has voluntarily moved on, might take the pressure off all round.

TopCivilServant · 08/08/2015 08:37

I'm sorry about the MS and your unhappy marriage but agree that none of this is your sons fault.
I imagine your poor health is also upsetting for your son. As is his dad living at the other side of the Atlantic. And the fact that, for whatever reason, he doesn't like your new partner.
Will you expect him to spend all day at school and then come home to an empty flat? Living by yourself is lonely. Imagine doing that as a 16 year old never mind dealing with the feeling of rejection that he will surely feel if you chose your boyfriends ex is still a child

TopCivilServant · 08/08/2015 08:38

*he is still a child

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