Self harming teenager

[GnomeDePlume]

Apologies for this. I just need to write this down.

I am starting to think of the self-harm as being a parasite, like threadworms or head lice. It isnt the person, it is something feeding off the host teenager. Also, it is contagious.

And like thread worms or head lice it is extremely unlikely to clear up on its own.

My DD first started self harming about 2 years ago when she was 13. This outbreak was apparently in response to a difficult, bullying friendship. It was apparently just a week of scratching and cutting herself with scissors.

We reacted by surrounding DD with love and tried to help her build her confidence and distance herself from this bullying friendship. It seemed that the problem was solved.

Then about 6 months ago I noticed marks on DD's legs. Not cuts this time. I asked DD about them and got brushed off. I wasnt sure what the problem was but I was fairly sure it wasnt totally innocent. At the same time DD was 15 so I didnt feel in a position to force her to get help except in the practical sense of going to see the nurse to make sure that the marks on her legs were healing.

DD started leaving her legs exposed but was now covering her arms. Once or twice she would not cover up completely and I would see a mark. I asked her about these marks and would get brushed off.

Fast forward to yesterday. DD came downstairs with vomit on her clothes. In the early hours she had taken a shed load of paracetamol and other over the counter tablets. She was vomiting, feeling very ill. On medical advice (we are literally round the corner from our doctor who DH saw within 5 minutes) DH took DD to A&E. DD is now in hospital receiving treatment to protect her liver while the tablets work through.

Now looking back I can see that we made the mistake of thinking that the initial self harming would cure itself. It didnt and I wonder if our treatment made the problem worse by both rewarding the self harm and also pushing it out of sight. We didnt talk about the self harm, we wanted DD to focus on what we saw as the cause.

This was our mistake. We should have got help immediately for that first outbreak. Now the infection of self harm is worse. DD is older so her self harm has got more sophisticated. What a mess this is. We didnt do enough. We didnt take this seriously enough. Because of that DD has risked her life.

I spoke to the nurse in the children's ward where DD has been admitted. They see half a dozen or more self harm patients a week. So there are probably hundreds of families going through this today. If you are one of them you have my heartfelt sympathy.

I think it might be better to move on your terms (hers and yours) than to be excluded and have no option in the matter. I have the shy, quiet one who was overwhelmed by those who were unpredictable and who the school didn't manage (that's a completely different story and involved a Head and Deputy who became part of a managed move!). OTOH she was also overwhelmed by the gung ho, high achieving little madam brigade who thought they were a cut above the rest. Although not bullied - just a rather ugly school. If I could turn the clock back I'd have moved her at the end of Y9. I was a fool.

It sounds as though your dd needs to be in a better place and school might be a good starting point. I wonder if she just doesn't fit into institutionalised things like school and CAMHS and if she will thrive when it's all behind her. Not wanting it to sound platitudinous but perhaps she needs to be empowered to find her, to be her, and to be nurtured for her as the person she is rather the person the hole wants her to fit. Sorry, that sounds a bit glib when I'm sitting in the same place as you and know it's fucking hard (I don't usually swear but this is Mnet).

Love, hugs, armour for the next round.

DD has had therapy tonight - much happier going than last week. The therapist actually seems lovely and is hopefully a positive on this journey. It's interesting because dd said she wouldn't contemplate seeing a man but having connected with the psychiatrist accepted her recommendation and he's such a cool, blokey sort I can see why she's connected.

I've my Heads Together session on Depression next week and hope that might give some pointers. DD has also agreed to talking to her form tutor, with me, about it all next week and I think that's a positive. Her new school is nice and she seems happy there and it's a supportive if possibly slightly too high achieving an environment but fingers crossed.

I have the positive, outgoing one. An outspoken champion of inclusivity and understanding within the school whether of sexual orientation or mental health issues.

There is no sense to self harm.

That's for sure! My DD is thought to be an unpredictable force, but if you're watching with attention she's entirely predictable. When she's picked on (again) she reacts with force and the bullies slip away leaving her to be thought volatile! I think it would help her enormously for school to acknowledge the pressure she's been under and I am going in next week to put that reasonable case. In the meantime she has been referred at last for another layer of counselling, and hopefully she will find someone this time who will help her to manage her responses. As a new psychologist said this morning there is a core of courage and strength there!

Thanks for your support MNetters! I do appreciate it!

That is what you can do. Keep being her advocate at the school. If she is challenging back to the bullies then that is a good thing already. This means that all she needs to do is learn to challenge in a way which keeps her on the good side. That is a good life lesson. There are bullies at all ages but if she has the skills to handle it in her emotional tool kit then she will be able to deal with them always.

A silly thought but I coined my name in August when my apples were ripening. They are tucked away in boxes and the freezer now. Left are some bruised and battered windfalls that need clearing with the leaves tomorrow.

I feel at the moment that "battered windfall" would ne a mote apposite name.

DD seems ok tonight. I'll let you know how she is after a week back at school. Estimate she has about 6-8 hours prep left to do. If she's hysterical about it at 8pm on Sunday I'll be very irritated with her. Sometimes she's the architect of her own stress. This is what I don't understand, if I hadn't done homework (a zillion years ago) I just shrugged and took it on the chin knowing I should have done it and accepted the consequences but dd gets herself in such a state.

How does the school react to undone homework? What are the genuine consequences>

She'd get an extension. It isn't regular but staying up until 2.30am is becoming so. She has issues about knocking on the door and explaining the simplest things. Worries about signing the late book if the train is late. She has been late less than six times in five years. Not having money on her ticket at the station is an issue and blown out of all proportion rather than, "oh shit I should have thought about that, I'll have to get the next train because I need to top up".

I like the therapists approach which is to think about what upsets her, what caused it, what she could do to avoid it next time.

What I find hard to deal with is why she feels so low so often. We are a stable family, she has everything (she's not wanty), she's beautiful, dainty, clever, musically talented, educated at the schools parents are stressing over on the Indy threads. And yet her inner core is so unhappy.

Sometimes I feel it would do her good if I just read the riot act and gave her a wake up call about how lucky she is. But that wouldn't help would it?

I could understand it if she had problems or hurdles to overcome. I dread to think what state she'd be in if we were dysfunctional, if she went to a comp in special measures, had spots, and nothing to look forward to.

I'm starting to feel a bit resentful of how much of my energy she is absorbing.

What I have realised painfully over the last year - and what I am trying to convey to school - is that depression and anxiety (which often go together) don't discriminate. They can strike stable and privileged families with as much force as "dysfunctional" ones. And when they do it is not the sufferer's fault. My DD doesn't choose to be this way. I have spent the last week with her sobbing in my lap every evening, wholly unable to say that any particular thing has caused the sobbing, because it hasn't: it's just as if a wave has broken over her. I think as parents we're conditioned to do and to fix and to take action, and sometimes all we can do is be there to listen and love. There was a very good programme on Teen Mental Health this week on Radio 4 by the way which is worth listening to. I would link if I could...

If it is brain chemistry then it is coming from within. The advantages she has wont change that. No more than they would stop her catching chicken pox.

But I do know what you mean.

Sorry, thanks for listening to the wallow x

Wallow away.

You've no idea now much the flower emoticon made me smile. Thank you.

I've massacred the roses and hydrangeas to get my ire out of my system . Can't believe how ruthlessly I have pruned.

She has finished the English assignment. I am so relieved it isn't going to be a trauma tomorrow.

Scout....so true! Will see if I can find the R4 programme

Ripening: Well that is excellent. You can both relax knowing that jobs are jobbed.

DD is off to a party tonight.

Your comment about your DD not sleeping is interesting. This has been identified as being one of the issues for my DD. Her worst self harm episode when she took the overdose was in the early hours of the morning. Also she has described herself as being disassociated when self-harming which I believe can be a symptom of sleep deprivation.

Yes, she was having anxiety attacks in the night. The GP (the nice one) prescribed her Beta Blockers. Just one at supper time has made the most enormous difference. They aren't long term but have got her through a dicey patch, the psychiatrist just nodded when I mentioned it and said they could be useful. Could they be worth a try? Luckily we have one very very good senior partner at the surgery who is a cut above most of them. Appointments are usually only available about three weeks in advance though - we just hit lucky with the emergency appointment on the day dd went into melt down.

The thing is that DD says she doesnt feel anxious. Is it possible to be anxious but not feel anxious?

I think your body can operate the fight or flight response even when your mind is trying to be rational. It's the ancient reptile part of your brain which decides you're in imminent danger of death and shuts down non-essential services, leading to all the nausea, palpitations and breathlessness of the classic panic attack. Meanwhile the rational front brain takes a hike so you stop thinking about how you feel altogether. I was told recently that anything that engages the front brain again - counting, power breathing, reciting the capitals of Europe, singing - can help the front brain wrest the controls back from the reptile brain. Not sure if this helps, but I thought it was interesting...

I don't know. I do know that the more I find out the more complex this stuff seems to be.

In hindsight, dd was coming in to us in the middle of the night complaining of nausea or headaches with increasing frequency over the last 18 months. Every two months turned into every month, two weeks, week, twice a week, to every day. It wasn't until I specifically took her to the doctor as it reached crisis point and the doctor asked about butterflies, shaky hands, pounding heart, etc, that the penny dropped.

Externally dd appears very cool and calm and in control. But not so.

What does anxious feel like? Does it bear any resemblance to the external persona?

My DD also experiencing increasing panic attacks which are interfering with her ability to function in the way that she would want. Does your DD's school have a well thought through plan for what to do when a panic attack kicks in in class or in the corridors? I'm interested in best practice in that event since I think our school may be floundering a bit.

Saw her tutor yesterday. Was very reassuring and there will be arrangements put in place so she can withdraw from class and go to a place she feels safe in school. Also to be given tutors timetable so she can see when she is available. School counsellors to be made available too. I'm glad I went.

Sorry, been taken up with RL.

That is good news Ripeningapples, I hope that these measures are starting to help your DD.

We had DD's psychiatric evaluation. Depression was identified for which medication will be prescribed. DD is also going to be assessed for ADHD/ASD.

Dunno tbh gnome. Not had the greatest Cpl of weeks. One step forward and two back. Glad you've taken steps forward and hope it helps your DD. Mine feels the therapist is minimising. Am going to call psych tom because I feel dd needs more. Am near end of tether x

Pay out more tether. You have my every sympathy. Hope you got somewhere with psych today. DD has just been discharged again by CAMHS to a local youth counselling service, which I'm sure does great work but isn't touching the sides with a girl who hasn't been able to stay in school for the last two weeks (in spite of a good new safety plan being put in place by increasingly concerned staff), because she is preoccupied by thoughts of wanting to die and therefore can't concentrate on e.g. Shelley or anything else... This is the third time, and every time we get referred back, the threshold for CAMHS attention seems to have risen! Be strong. For your daughter and yourself.

I'm so sorry scout. Psych apt. Pencilled in for Weds. Hope it's helpful. She feels the psychologist is minimising and I think he is too. Little snippets ate coming Pu of the woodwork like occasions pills which I understand have been disclosed to a GP and psych but not to me until last week.

Hoping disclosure is part of recovery. I just don't know but it's feeling too big to handle.

She tells me she hasn't harmed for 10 days and is sick of it but the meltdowns are worse.

She had one last night and behaved like Violet Elizabeth. She put her coat on and started storming out because she hated me. And I grabbed her and slapped her. But it was sheer frustration after she said if I tried to stop her she'd walk into the main road. We are close to major A roads and lonely.

She didn't go out and slept in my arms in the guest room.

Don't know really. Don't know if it's turning for better or worse. DH is away on business.

We are planning a lovely girly weekend.

Who knows. It's like a half life fraught with stress. Contemplating getting help myself, either counselling or pills. Not sure how much more I can cope with. Nearly cried at work today.

With love to all.

PS: Have missed the thread.

Actually it's true, the thread is a shining silver one in an occasionally dark tapestry!

I realised yesterday after a mild remark from DS2 that I haven't really paid enough attention to him or DS1 for months.

I've been there with the minimising and it's awful. First of all it makes you doubt yourself and your instincts about how much pain your child is in, and worse than that there's the fear that it might force your child to up the ante in a bid to get their pain recognised. Been there too and it's kicking the lining out of us.

We need a manual of some sort, and there really, really isn't one!

It sounds like you've had a flatly horrible time recently and the pair of you deserve to indulge each other this weekend. Enjoy.

x