Self harming teenager

[GnomeDePlume]

Apologies for this. I just need to write this down.

I am starting to think of the self-harm as being a parasite, like threadworms or head lice. It isnt the person, it is something feeding off the host teenager. Also, it is contagious.

And like thread worms or head lice it is extremely unlikely to clear up on its own.

My DD first started self harming about 2 years ago when she was 13. This outbreak was apparently in response to a difficult, bullying friendship. It was apparently just a week of scratching and cutting herself with scissors.

We reacted by surrounding DD with love and tried to help her build her confidence and distance herself from this bullying friendship. It seemed that the problem was solved.

Then about 6 months ago I noticed marks on DD's legs. Not cuts this time. I asked DD about them and got brushed off. I wasnt sure what the problem was but I was fairly sure it wasnt totally innocent. At the same time DD was 15 so I didnt feel in a position to force her to get help except in the practical sense of going to see the nurse to make sure that the marks on her legs were healing.

DD started leaving her legs exposed but was now covering her arms. Once or twice she would not cover up completely and I would see a mark. I asked her about these marks and would get brushed off.

Fast forward to yesterday. DD came downstairs with vomit on her clothes. In the early hours she had taken a shed load of paracetamol and other over the counter tablets. She was vomiting, feeling very ill. On medical advice (we are literally round the corner from our doctor who DH saw within 5 minutes) DH took DD to A&E. DD is now in hospital receiving treatment to protect her liver while the tablets work through.

Now looking back I can see that we made the mistake of thinking that the initial self harming would cure itself. It didnt and I wonder if our treatment made the problem worse by both rewarding the self harm and also pushing it out of sight. We didnt talk about the self harm, we wanted DD to focus on what we saw as the cause.

This was our mistake. We should have got help immediately for that first outbreak. Now the infection of self harm is worse. DD is older so her self harm has got more sophisticated. What a mess this is. We didnt do enough. We didnt take this seriously enough. Because of that DD has risked her life.

I spoke to the nurse in the children's ward where DD has been admitted. They see half a dozen or more self harm patients a week. So there are probably hundreds of families going through this today. If you are one of them you have my heartfelt sympathy.

Thank you for clarifying mummytime. It makes me so cross that camhs is allowing so many young people to escalate before putting in any help. Also that they are wasting so much time before offering something wholly inadequate. I would prefer they were more honest up front.

This is why I have arranged to see my MP.

Alanabloom. Thank you for your post. I hope you and your friend are fully well now.

Is there anything you would have liked your mum to do at the time or anything in particular that helped you along the journey to recovery?

I don't think you can just blame CAMHS - I think they are overwhelmed, and the whole NHS is massively in the red.

But if we had joined up thinking on mental health which would start with schools.
Teachers under less pressure, and getting training in spotting and helping mental health issues.
In school help and counselling.
More funding for CAMHS, and more provision.
And more diagnosis of other issues, which if left undiagnosed can lead to mental health issues (eg. ASD etc.).
And access to at least "triage" mental assessments on short time scales (a week?). Rather than 8 weeks or more (even if you can get the referral).

I think that we have been offered the one to one help for DD because her first contact with the medical profession was after an overdose.

As a result of the overdose we do keep all paracetamol etc locked away.

I just wanted to post as someone who has come out the other side of SH. I self harmed from 13 to 23, had stitches, attempted overdoses etc. I wish I had supportive parents like you all are. Your dcs will get out the otherside. Took me ten years but I am who I am today because I went through it. You are all amazing

Apologies for not returning to this thread for a while, it's been a tough few months here.

I've been reading with growing horror at the seeming lack of counsellors there (I'm not in the uk). Or at least a lack of recommendation from the NHS. Yet I can also understand the reticence of a GP to recommend someone outside of the NHS due to potential repercussions of something went wrong.

Anyway, I found this link which I hope may help you find someone in your area and the right field www.itsgoodtotalk.org.uk/therapists I had a brief browse and it looks useful.

We have found CBT helps to a certain extent. But it is vital that our children feel an affinity to the therapist otherwise they will not engage. DD became quite adept at saying what the counsellor wanted to hear so she would be discharged from them. Because she didn't like them.

I may not be making much sense. Sorry. And I also realise that cost of therapy can be a huge issue. It's a rock and a hard place, really

mummytime. What would really have helped us would have been an acknowledgement of the referral, setting out the waiting time for assessment, what was available after assessment and a parents' toolkit of tips about how to support the young person whilst waiting with some guidance about different sorts of counselling available, what questions to ask a private counsellor and contact details of the best charities from whom to seek advice.

I don't think that would be difficult for professionals,to put together.

I simply don't understand how professionals who care about young people can think offering six consecutive weeks of counselling during the school day on a group therapy basis can be helpful. It is not confidential and has a very significant impact on the well being and anxiety levels for a young person who has self esteem and anxiety about school performance - one of the reasons fir the self harm. I can't believe the person who assessed dd can even have listened to her. She wrote the name of dd's school on the letter to the GP. One of the highest performing schools in the UK that was dd's choice entirely and makes her delighted which was acknowledged too. Yet the assessor thought it was a good idea for dd to miss two and a half hours of the same subject for six weeks whilst she was settling in. I just cannot believe how anyone with any common sense could have thought that was helpful.

It's a 9-5'service where we live and that doesn't support young people in full time education. It is simply not accessible in a,way that doesn't cause more problems than it deals with.

As it is I am pretty much alone, navigating a senseless and unresponsive system, and trying to do my best for dd when I know diddly squat about mental health.

I am professionally qualified, relatively wealthy and struggling with this. I dread to think what some families go through. It appears there is no adequate nhs support for my DD. A lovely gp recommended a lovely counsellor with whom dd has not gelled and I don't have a problem with that but feel there won't be another recommendation forthcoming. DD asked for help 16 weeks ago and in her vulnerable state feels let down and messed around. She did feel she connected with the assessor but the stupidity of the recommendation has breached trust and confidence in that person's efficacy.

The counsellor has so far cost £125. The next option is The Priory with an initial assessment at £385 and counselling is £70ph - say 10 sessions. It would have been helpful to know cahms couldn't or wouldn't help 15 weeks ago and for some alternative guidance to have been immediate. Where we would be if we didn't have money I dread to think - probably an escalating dd and a suicide attempt. This is why I have now been in touch with the CCG and have made an appointment with my MP. What makes me most cross is that all I have heard from cahms is excuses. It wouldn't take much organisation and flexibility for them to be able to reach a lit more young people effectively but it would mean there was a bit less 9-5 and a bit more flexible working for the client rather than for the staff.

The Priory is £140 ph. I was thinking in 30 minute units above. So, probably £2k minimum to support my DD through this. It makes my blood boil that the NHS is operating in a way that is expensive yet not meeting people's needs.

I don't work for CAHMS.

And I'm fortunate that my local CAHMS are okay to good (is it a Co-incidence that the manager for our area is American). In our area there are also other counselling services, which do have a long waiting list.
Also most schools and colleges have self-funded counselling services (as the charity which set them up has had its budget slashed).

I think dd could access counsellors through school. Because she is new and finding her feet she doesn't want to approach them. It's a competitive school to get into. I'm not sure less than half a term in it would be wise to let them know dd is unwell. Had she not met the bar to attend (very high gcse results) she would be in a far worse place. Her brother got 12 A GCSEs; dd got 5 A, the rest As and she feels a failure. He barely does a hands turn whilst she works like stink. And a CAMHS assessor suggested she miss six weeks of the same a'level lesson.

It does sound crap.

In a similar position I know someone who was offered 1:1, and it was arranged for during her "free" afternoon.

I do think we have a bit of an epidemic of mental health issues among the young - and its not just girls. (I also think that school do need to know - and if they are really any good they can help, just about everywhere can get a bright student 4 A*s - but that's my opinion.)

If it helps, ripeningapples, I got into Cambridge (3 years ago) with 4A* and 6As at GCSE...

My parents were put in the same position by the NHS. Didn't use the Priory as we don't live in London, but had to use private counselling.

Even after I overdosed, the NHS were useless - I literally just came out of hospital, and was still feeling sick and awful from all the pills I took. They put me on the phone to someone, I had to "rate" my emotions from 1-4 in about 1,000 questions, and afterwards, this vile woman told me, "Our scoresheet shows that you're only mildly depressed! How do you feel about that?" I all but screamed at her, "I tried to kill myself 4 days ago..."

I'm sorry, ripening apples, I only just saw your direct post to me...

honestly, no. My mum was in serious denial about what a bad state I was in for a long time (personal low point: being asked "how could you do this to me" when I was vomiting in hospital), but, tbh, I think it was understandable, all things considered.

So I would just say be vigilant. Never throw the state she's in in her face (this only happened once or twice but is truly awful). I would say one of the hardest things about being a parent in this position is trying to balance the push with understanding: seriously depressed teens do need to get better, and honestly it's such a complex thing, knowing when to say "don't do it, you'll only feel worse" and "give it a go." Just try to be as open and understanding as possible, and reassure her that you still love her.

Thanks for your input on the thread alanabloom
We are fortunate that DD has counselling on site at school and she likes the counsellor. But my concern is that it's not helping, because the self-harm has been going on for some time and it has only got worse in the time she has seen this counsellor.
I am getting a 50 minute call from Young Minds too, so hoping that will help me to think about next steps.

Young Minds told me what I have found out already. But the lady was very understanding. She was of the view that dd is nowhere near bad enough for CAMHS to help. I can deal with that but I can't deal with the fact that they strung dd along providing no clarity about the limitations,of their offer. If everyone acknowledges CAMHS' limitations I don't understand why there isn't effective signposting to alternative pathways and a parents' toolkit to help them support their children whilst they source professional help.

Have made the first move to get The,Priory sorted out now. They do however need a more complex referral than I have from the GP.

I've been thinking about you all by the way. Not something I feel able to do in real life.

I was chatting with DD last night. Something she pointed out was how much of the material she has been given is just re-hashed versions of the same thing. Each time it is presented as something new but in fact isnt.

She pointed out that the family session we attended was not really about self-harm but was more about 'how to wrangle your teenager'. Not a lot of help of your teenager's behaviour, other than the self-harm of course, isnt the problem.

I agree Gnome. Do you feel you need support too because of the stress and worry of it. I do and then feel guilty because my stress is because I can't get dd the help she needs and she is my priority.

I feel the same. I'm feeling really stressed about it but feel like I have to try and be strong and stay calm. The worst thing to do is to make her feel like she's causing me a major problem. I feel like I could do with a good therapist myself right now.

What is really gutting is I feel like I am making DD worse. I picked her up from a party at the weekend and had a chat with her on the way back in the car and when she got home she went to her bedroom and cut (we found this out yesterday, DH saw her arm). So I feel like whatever I said was the wrong thing, and so I can't even try and help her because it is making her worse.

Majestic, self harm is a parasite. It is the self harm which makes her cut just like it was the headlice which made her itch.

Dont take the blame onto yourself. It is the self harm which makes her cut, not you.

Thanks Gnome, I know you are right. It just feels crap to be so powerless. I work in mental health - I should be able to help but she won't let me.

Honestly Majestic, you work in mental health. If you went to any of your colleagues and asked them what the cure for self-harming was would any of them have the answer?

I am not trying to be harsh. I know how helpless you feel in the face of this. I look at DD's arms. They are covered in the most horrific looking burn scars. Now there are some fairly bad scratch scars as well. I wonder how these will impact her in the future. How she will feel about them when she is older.

I had a long call with someone from Young Minds. Thanks for mentioning it ripening because I wouldn't have done that otherwise. It was quite helpful and I am now a bit clearer about the things I need to do. The woman said that CAMHS was quite variable by area, and it is well resourced in our area. So I we will try that avenue first. DD agrees that school counsellor, whilst very nice and easily accessible, isn't really tackling the problem.

Gnome, I know the easy answers that we would all like don't exist and I guess that is the first thing to accept about this. Sucks doesn't it.

Now negotiating with GP to sort out referral. DD is covered by BUPA. I didn't think she was for MH. That opens up a broader network of psychiatrists and BUPA will help signpost. After that I think it's therapy.

It's,so hard to navigate. The system is not helpful or supportive enough. I have made an apt with my MP to diiscuss further.

Oh can you believe it. Received a letter last night fro. CAMHS to say dd's case was closed because mother declined group therapy because dd would miss lessons. Not quite true. This morning got a call from the care commissioner who had spoken to the director of the service who was now able to offer independent counselling. Extraordinary they could manage that on the day they knew I was seeing the MP! I declined on the basis that I am not prepared morally to divert care from those more vulnerable than dd.

DD is booked for a full psychiatric assessment next week. This has been one of the most stressful and difficult four months of my life.

MP sympathetic and not amused dd had not received a better service as she was actually cutting. Said would have knocked their door down to get dd help if not resolved already. Felt reassured he'd have helped and glad I went to note what the problems were. He seemed to be aware.

A new framework is rolling out here early next year to acknowledge the inadequacy of the service here. Not sure how that helps anyone between now and then.

Hope you are all ok and your dd's/ds's are coping.