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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Unprotected underage sex

29 replies

GreenMouse · 17/07/2015 11:52

My DD has told me that one of her friends who is 14 is having unprotected sex with her boyfriend because he doesn't want to use condoms. The girl in question is on the pill according to DD so pregnancy is a small risk, but of course, the risk of catching something nasty is real. I don't know how old the boy is, I think he might be 17?

I've told my DD her friend is being very very silly to do this although I'm sure she will not relay this to her.

My dilemma is this: should I keep this to myself, or tell the welfare officer at school? I know who the girl is but I don't know her IYSWIM, and I don't know her parents. Aside from the fact that this is the last day of term and I'm not sure how much the school can do at this stage, I have a worry that if I tell, and it gets back to my DD that I did, she will then no longer tell me stuff like this. On the other hand, I am worried for this young girl and her welfare, and I'd feel terrible if something happened to her.

What would you do? Tell or not tell?

OP posts:
ThomasRichard · 17/07/2015 12:02

Yes tell. Both children are being completely irresponsible and the girl is at risk.

SoupDragon · 17/07/2015 12:06

Tell.

She is 14 and you guess the boy is 17. It sounds dreadful TBH.

SunnyBaudelaire · 17/07/2015 12:11

you 'think he might be 17'?

Perhaps be sure of your facts before you 'tell'?

Epilepsyhelp · 17/07/2015 12:15

Why is the age relevant sunny

Oddly aggressive post there.

SunnyBaudelaire · 17/07/2015 12:27

obviously the age is relevant.
and no I am not being 'aggressive' - why do certain people on this forum trot that one out as soon as someone doesn't agree with the OP?

Original poster
GreenMouse · 17/07/2015 12:29

I am sure of the facts Sunny, the only thing I'm not entirely sure of is the boy's exact age. I can't see what difference it makes to be honest, whether the boy is 16 or 17, the girl is still 14 and they are still having unprotected sex.

OP posts:
Original poster
GreenMouse · 17/07/2015 12:33

Soupy, it is dreadful! I was horrified when DD told me :(

OP posts:
WLmum · 17/07/2015 12:39

If it wasn't child I would want to be told. Don't envy you though as I really don't know how would be best to do that. If your dd knows, could others at school? Could the welfare officer say they heard it at school? It's worrying for the girl involved but also for normalising under age sex to those around her.

Original poster
GreenMouse · 17/07/2015 12:42

Update: I did phone the school and they are already on the case. Phew! I feel better for having said something though.

OP posts:
SunnyBaudelaire · 17/07/2015 12:44

honestly if everyone having sex was 'reported' to the school their phone would never stop ringing.

Original poster
GreenMouse · 17/07/2015 12:47

I think underage unprotected sex should be reported Sunny, for a start it's illegal, and it's completely irresponsible. It could ruin that young girl's life.

OP posts:
SunnyBaudelaire · 17/07/2015 12:49

oh I thought you said she was on the pill?
anyway I think it is just sad that schools these days are supposed to police every aspect of children's lives.

Original poster
GreenMouse · 17/07/2015 13:03

She could catch something nasty Sunny. Chlamydia for instance could ruin her chances to have children. Schools have a duty of care, it's not about policing.

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 17/07/2015 16:06

The girl is fourteen and having risky sex which could leave her infected with a STD. The boy appears to be older than she is. I would be concerned that she is being pressured into not using commons and lacks the confidence to insist. It should absolutely be reported.

I'm not ignorant to the fact that 14 year olds have sex and wouldn't report it in general but this does not seem right (based on limited hearsay!) If there is nothing untoward, all well and good but the girl needs to take charge of her sexual health. If she can't, she is not mature enough to be having underage sex IMO

Original poster
GreenMouse · 17/07/2015 16:49

My thoughts exactly Soupy

OP posts:
Misslgl88 · 17/07/2015 16:50

**The girl is fourteen and having risky sex which could leave her infected with a STD. The boy appears to be older than she is. I would be concerned that she is being pressured into not using commons and lacks the confidence to insist. It should absolutely be reported.

I'm not ignorant to the fact that 14 year olds have sex and wouldn't report it in general but this does not seem right (based on limited hearsay!) If there is nothing untoward, all well and good but the girl needs to take charge of her sexual health. If she can't, she is not mature enough to be having underage sex IMO

^^ this. And not only that it only takes once forgetting to take the pill to end up pregnant

BertieBotts · 17/07/2015 17:06

Sorry but I think this is bizarre. When I was at school one method of contraception was considered enough. Why two now? Yes STDs etc but this is unlikely to be an issue unless either of them are widely sleeping around.

Concern about the age difference is different, but IME it's perfectly normal not to use condoms when the girl is on the pill. That's how it was ten years ago, it can't have changed that much.

Misslgl88 · 17/07/2015 17:13

The boy is thought to be 17 so I would imagine it should
Be assumed that we don't know how many sexual partners he has had. When I had my first time 11 years ago it was very well known to use two forms as the pill is not 100% reliable and not all teenage girls are great at remembering.

I would have thought two methods was sensible to be honest

specialsubject · 17/07/2015 18:34

the boy is not legally an adult but he is still having sex with a child. A three year age gap between adults doesn't matter. At their ages it does, what kind of normal 17 year old wants to have sex with a child? Well done on reporting.

and yes, belt and braces for everyone for whom pregnancy would be a disaster.

Epilepsyhelp · 17/07/2015 22:40

bertie using condoms to protect against sexually transmitted diseases is 'bizarre'?!? What?!? It's the only protection for STDs, and double protection from underage pregnancy can only be a good thing!!!

I really don't think it's unlikely to be an issue, rates of chlamydia etc in teens is very high.

And sunny no idea what you mean about 'certain people' as I don't think I've said that before, and your time was aggressive! You didn't just disagree, you made an unnecessarily nasty comment. Funnily enough your tone comes through loud and clear in your posts.

BertieBotts · 17/07/2015 22:55

No of course I don't mean condoms are bizarre, but it seems a bit overprotective and paranoid to expect all teens to use two methods of contraception. It was never the done thing when I was at school, and I only left in 2004. Condoms when you first get together/for casual encounters and then the pill when you were in a committed relationship, at which point you'd abandon condoms ASAP because they are horrible. Though lots of girls also just stayed on the pill between relationships and then it was hit and miss on whether they used condoms as well, that was dodgy even to us, but it was just normal. I had never heard of anybody using both at once until I was on mumsnet so I assumed it was more of a sensible grown up kind of thing than a teenage thing.

Maybe my peer group was just not very risk averse Confused I did get pregnant at 19 so perhaps I'm not the best person to ask Grin

BertieBotts · 17/07/2015 23:01

Should add I was fricking nuts and was semi trying to get pregnant, so it wasn't a contraception failure, I just wasn't using any.

I agree two methods is safer but I also think one is fine and not irresponsible, especially when it seems as though it's what everybody else is doing (if this is indeed the case.) Certainly I don't find "not using two forms of contraception" something to be panicking and informing schools about.

mathanxiety · 18/07/2015 07:43

The boy sounds like a controlling jerk and this relationship would raise red flags for me just because my guess is he has put her in the position of having to take the pill or risk losing him to someone else who was willing to go bareback.

Pregnancy is a risk here of course because there are a few things that can interfere with the pill's effectiveness,(anti biotic use, use of some herbal supplements, forgetting to take the pill, taking it at the wrong time to name a few).

But my concern is with an older teenage boy who doesn't want to use condoms and a younger girl who dances to his tune. This is not a healthy relationship. The boy needs a swift kick in the ass and the girl needs to be taken aside and given a large dose of self respect.

I am very glad that you have reported this. The sort of boy who thinks he has a right not to use condoms is the sort of boy who should not be let loose among girls. There is always an attitude of profound disrespect for girls and women behind this insistence.

YeOldTrout · 18/07/2015 12:30

Both kids are at risk. Glad the school is acting.

YummyMummy9669 · 19/07/2015 14:50

Snitches get Stitches

My advice keep your snozzle out of it

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