17 year old DD out until 2am

[Cherk9800]

Hi my 17 year old been through a tough patch recently over exams and stress - she hasn't a big circle of friends has cut herself off from old school and village pals

She has got friendly with a new girl really nice but last night she went out said he home at 11 would grab a taxi -!i know she was in town orobs in a bar - she Arrive home I text she said 12 - then she didn't appear back I text again she replied having some food 5 mins - an hour later nothing she doesn't answer phone.

I ended up calling this new friends parents who own a business so I could find it - there daughter was in bed - they woke we up to find out where my DD was - she had left with a boy who is known to the family for a lift home - she arrived back at 2am

I think a little tipsy and she had been driving around with this guy cos she said she is bored and didn't want to come home - we worry too much and should leave her alone - she said I jus don't care and stormed off - I've my slept - am I being unreasonable to just have a time and know who she is with and how getting home ? Ty

YANBU. Part of being an adult is being where you say you will be when you say you will be.

The rule when I was that age was that I could stay out until the early hours but I had to tell my parents when id be home and stick to it. And be contactable. YANBU. If she wants to be treated like an adult she should behave like one, which includes doing what you say you will be doing and not leaving your family at home worrying.

Thank you - she is my eldest so it's all new to me I left home at 17 so it feels odd to me as I was independent at that age as living away from home

Sorry for spellings in the original message I typed it iny phone at 4.30 am ish after a sleepless night !

I think tonight when home from work we will have a talk if she decides to be civil and not sulk all day ! I will say to her she just has to let me know them stick to it - if plans change as having a good time then yes stay out a little later but let me know so I know she is ok

It was the 5mins message that made me angry she wasn't 5mins away atall so that is what worried us !
Ty again

When I was that age I didn't have a mobile phone, I had to get the last train home and once I missed it, called my mum to say I'd missed it, it ended up being late so I arrived home around an hour after usual and got home and she was asleep. I didn't bother calling after that!

You had left home, but she can't just have a late night out at that age?

Unloosen the leash a little, tell her that if she is staying out she needs to tell you so that you can lock the door. Otherwise let her crack on.

Doreen I think the issue here isn't that she stayed out late but that she said she was 5 mins away and she wasn't. No wonder the OP was worried!
As I said upthread the rule in our house was you could stay out until whatever time you liked but had to let people know. I stuck to this pretty well, my brother didnt. Therefore my dad generally just expected to not hear from him. One night he had a car accident and horiffically lost his life. The first anyone knew was when the police man came round at 7am in the morning (accident was at around midnight). It probably wouldn't have made a difference to the outcome had anyone been looking for him, but maybe his body would have been found sooner rather than his car being in a ditch for 6 hours before it was found. Sorry for the sad tale but it's what I always think about when people don't tell the people they live with when they expect to be home.

That is a sad story and one that reminds us why we just need to know a time and how they are getting home - you are right the 5mins was a lie and this then worried me senseless what if what if going through my head.

I do though understand I have to loosen the apron strings are that is a learning curve for parents also, she is a good girl and works hard and I know on the brink of adulthood - 17 is a hard age I think and her new friend is the youngest of daughters so I guess those parent have been through this and like most areas - the younger children get away / allowed things earlier than the older one did !

I just hope when I get home she has had time to think - and I will when she is up for talking just say to her - I just need a time a real true time you plan to be home - if this changes then let me know so I can lock the door and go to bed knowing she is OK and safe

TY for responding - this Mum business doesn't get easier !

Its so hard parenting teens. I our hearts they are still so precious but we know we have to let them off the apron strings in order to become independent and learn by their own mistakes.

I am struggling with the letting go and you would not believe the scenarios that go through my head when min are late or not returning texts and calls etc.

I too left home young. Started work full time on my 16th birthday and left home 6 months later. I was out clubbing and holidaying with my friends from then on, so it feels hypocritical when I say to my almost 17yo please tell me what time you are coming home and call me if that changes. But then I think I was brought up to be more independent (just left to get on with it) from a fairly young age!

I think all you can do in this situation is lay down some ground rules. I will sound like my mother now but "if you live under our roof we ask you follow our rules".

The thing is, would you go for a night out and lie to your 17 year old about where you were or turn up at 2 when you said you would be home by 12?

It's just courtesy to be honest and stick to the plan, and there is no excuse not to when you have a phone.