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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

13 year old daughter lying about having boyfriend, what to do??

15 replies

jellypop38 · 25/05/2015 09:38

Could really use some advice,
I have suspected for a while that something was going on with our daughter. We have until now had (I thought) a great relationship, but she started being secretive and sneaky about 3/4 weeks ago. I have asked her outright if she had a boyfriend but she denied saying eew no! Went to check on her last night and she was asleep with phone clutched in hand as I put it on bedside table it went off, it was about 11pm so I was surprised that someone was texting her. I snooped (maybe shouldn't have) and find this conversation from a boy. Lots of love you bae, miss you etc and he talks about giving her a surprise either Monday or Tuesday when they meet up (husband and I are away). How should I deal with this?

OP posts:
nequidnimis · 25/05/2015 13:24

Is there a reason why she might want to keep this from you, maybe suspecting you will forbid it?

I would initiate a conversation, tell her that you saw the message and under what circumstances and give yourself this opportunity to demonstrate to your dd that she can tell you anything.

I would also want to know the arrangements for the meet up - a trip to the cinema would be fine with me, but meeting at his house while his parents are at work would not be.

Who is she staying with while you are away? They need to be made aware.

BitOfFun · 25/05/2015 13:30

I'd be having rather strong words with her about being dishonest, and I think I'd temporarily confiscate the phone as she's used it as part of being deceitful.

13 is rather on the young side for a boyfriend, and I'd be making it clear that if it was going to happen at all, I would want to meet the boy and know where she was.

I'd be telling her I was very disappointed in her behaviour. That's generally more of a killer than blowing your stack if you do it properly...

BackforGood · 25/05/2015 13:39

I think being a bit unsure / embarrassed / not ready to share details is all pretty normal. I don't think you need to 'do' anything.
I just treat any friends of my dc the same - doesn't matter to me if they use the term 'boyfriend' or 'girlfriend' or not. I'd have no problem with any of my dc spending time with a friend, regardless of if they were mates or 'bf/gf'. There is commonly a stage when there is a bit of "fancying someone" or 'getting closer' before they want to publically announce they are 'in a relationship'. As long as it's a lad she actually know - from school or a hobby or something - then I'd back off and give her some space to work out the relationship for herself.

Is she home alone on Mon / Tues?
Would you normally be happy for her to go and meet a friend?

usualsuspect333 · 25/05/2015 13:39

I'd wonder why she didn't tell me in the first place and felt the need to sneak around.

usualsuspect333 · 25/05/2015 13:43

And if you punish her for it, there will be even more sneaking around.

MagentaVitus · 25/05/2015 13:44

Agree with wondering why she felt she needed to lie - but then again, the early teens process of realising boys aren't gross and you might actually like one is a very embarrassing, confusing process.

I don't think it is that unusual to have a boyfriend of sorts at 13. It is highly likely that he is just a 'playground boyfriend' at this age.

I definitely think it is time to have a conservation about sex though - but you should have been drilling that into her for a while now (i.e., age of context, pressure issues, not doing anything you are uncomfortable with). You need to underline that all lines of communication are open going forward.

rogueantimatter · 25/05/2015 21:23

IME many/most 13YOs have several bfs over the course of a year and it doesn't usually involve anything much - they don't visit each other in their homes - mostly they text and hold hands. At least that seems to be the norm at my DC's (predominantly middle class) school. DD had a 'bf' for six months when she was 13 - I just thought he was a friend. He was lovely.

Why would she tell you? There's no fun if your mum knows about it - how embarrassing!

It's fine. Leave her be - but make her leave her phone in a public room to avoid texting through half the night.

nequidnimis · 25/05/2015 23:30

If she's meeting up with him on Monday/Tuesday, during a school holiday, while her parents are away and without telling them, then he's not just a 'playground boyfriend' surely? I'd definitely want to know where they were meeting

MagentaVitus · 26/05/2015 07:20

If she's meeting up with him on Monday/Tuesday, during a school holiday, while her parents are away and without telling them, then he's not just a 'playground boyfriend' surely?

Not necessarily. Why is holding hands and first kisses different in a different location? I'd put money on them going to the cinema or the park, or somewhere equally innocent.

nequidnimis · 26/05/2015 07:56

Ah ok, I took the term 'playground boyfriend' to mean that they only saw each other at school.

You're probably right and it's a lovely, innocent relationship - but not necessarily.

I do think the location matters - a world of difference between meeting at the cinema or at his empty house, where even 13yo can get carried away.There are enough threads in this section to attest to that. Better to make sure than assume, I think.

lljkk · 26/05/2015 17:05

Who is at home for your DD when you & husband are away? Is this person not very attentive about your DD, Why can't it just be a coincidence that's when they meet up?

If my I would say the phone went off in my hand so hence the message I saw & then ask "Why didn't you tell me? Why the secrecy? What's the big deal?"

Fairylea · 26/05/2015 17:10

My dd is 12 and at this sort of age it usually changes from week to week..I don't think having a boyfriend as such is a bad thing. Obviously you just want to make sure you keep the lines of communication as open as possible re sex and contraception and everything else. At the end of the day you can only do so much with teens - obviously you wouldn't want them in her room together or whatever else but at some point you do have to trust them outside the house!

However I have a very strict no gadgets in bedrooms rule and I wouldn't be letting any young teen take their phone to bed with them for sleep reasons apart from anything else. Dd has to leave all her gadgets downstairs when she goes to bed.

Original poster
jellypop38 · 27/05/2015 00:23

Thanks for all the advice, we sat down and asked why Dd had been hiding the bf. Apparently it's a boy from school who we have met before.and weren't very keen on and she was worried about what we would say. She said they have only been going out for couple of weeks and have not kissed or anything. We have explained how disappointed we were that she felt she had to hide it and we made it clear that we will not tolerate being lied too. We als let her know that we respected her choice of bf and that we want her to talk to us about these things also set ground rules for meeting up him coming over etc. Grandma was staying while we were away so made sure she New the rules. Dd sent us texts while we were away letting us know when she was going to meet friends and where which we thought was great and hopefully the lines of communication are now fully open and she will continue to talk to us.

OP posts:
nequidnimis · 27/05/2015 07:29

Glad it's resolved and everyone's happy Jellypop.

rogueantimatter · 27/05/2015 09:12

It sounds as if you've all learned something useful from this experience - hopefully DD will be confident enough in your reaction to feel that she doesn't have to be sneaky and you will hold off judgement about new friends.

It all seemed so much easier when they were younger.... They always seem to be several one step ahead of where we'd like them to be once they hit this age.

Glad the weekend was a success.

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