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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

What do you do when they say no?

23 replies

18yearstooold · 06/05/2015 23:12

Dd (13) has opted out of life it feels like

Won't go to school
Won't leave her room
Won't shower
Won't meet her friends/family
Won't get dressed

If I turn the wifi off or remove her phone she will initially kick off but then stare at the ceiling for literally hours

I can't physically force her to do anything

I know she needs to see a doctor -she won't

GP won't come and see her

What do I do

replies saying get her told or sanction sanction sanction, I've tried those things, they don't work

OP posts:

JiltedJohnsJulie · 07/05/2015 04:12

I have absolutely no idea but didn't want you to go unanswered. Have you got any idea of why she would be so depressed? Not that she needs a reason obviously.

Canyouforgiveher · 07/05/2015 04:49

I have a dd age 14 who has depression and has skirted around school refusal etc. having therapy/medication and school involvement made all the difference. It is incredibly hard. Sorry OP.

You need to get CAMHS involved. I am not in UK but I hope someone who is can help you to figure out how to access this.

How long has this been going on?

Have you talked to her school? will they support and help you?

are there legal consequences for not going to school. If so, maybe you need to bring those on so you can get the help you need.

Does she self-harm at all?

If you cut all wifi for days rather than hours, telling her that if she gets dressed and goes with you to dr. it will be back, would that work?

What about food? Does she come down for meals? Do you bring them up?

has the GP offered any other suggestions (arse if he/she hasn't).

Is there any other family member (uncle/cousin/aunt) who could persuade her to go to the doctor.

the thing is, she doesn't want to be like this either. It is just that she is stuck and wants you to know how bad she feels and also the most control she has in her life is when she does nothing.

watching your child battle depression/anxiety/mental illness is incredibly hard. I am so sorry you are going through this.

Original poster

18yearstooold · 07/05/2015 06:24

If I don't take food up to her she won't eat -her record is 5 days of literally eating nothing

School have said they will back a camhs referral but GP says doesn't meet the criteria and needs to go through the cluster -I feel like a ping pong ball being passed between the 2

Family wise there is only my parents who don't understand at all and think she's manipulating me

At the moment her absence is being recorded as ill rather than unauthorised but i'm not sure how long for and as the consequences of that lie with me not her, she doesn't care

All I can get out of her is she hates being in the house but she hates being at school more
She wants to learn but isn't learning anything at school and would do better by herself

OP posts:

goshhhhhh · 07/05/2015 06:30

Can you self refer to camps? I think I would contact them and ask for advice or see a different GP if possible.

StupidBloodyKindle · 07/05/2015 06:33

Did not want to read and run. [tea]
The truth is, I no longer know.
Mine went on strike 15 months ago.
No to anything and everything.
Awful to her siblings.
Shit tip of a room no-go zone.
Sleeps a lot.
But does go to school probably as the alternative would be siblings attempting to infiltrate her space.
Wpuld yours be open to hone educating, could you yourself do that? (I am a teacher and couldn't so admire those that do).

ragged · 07/05/2015 06:33

There are some school refusal support groups around (when it's anxiety not just truancy), sounds like you might need that support.

StupidBloodyKindle · 07/05/2015 06:33

would home

Original poster

18yearstooold · 07/05/2015 07:23

She would be open to the idea of home ed but its not a possibility, i'm a single parent and have to work

You can't self refer to camhs unfortunately, there is a local counselling service that is self referral but she won't go

No one will be able to help so it's a waste of time apparently

She is either angry or tearful all the time so having a conversation with her is almost impossible

OP posts:

TongueBiter · 07/05/2015 07:39

Is there a different gp you could see? Or the Practice Manager? Surely there is a duty of care when they're given the information that she's depressed and refusing food?!

I feel for you. My eldest was a school refuser and self harmer - it's a shitty situation when you feel so helpless. I think you just have to keep on at the gp - be that squeaky wheel.

tootiredtothink · 07/05/2015 07:42

Dd's school referred her to cahms, is that not something your school could do?

PurpleWithRed · 07/05/2015 07:45

Write a factual, unemotional list of what your daughter has done, ate, said, felt this week. Take it to the GP. If the GP is unhelpful find a different GP. Could you consider contacting social services too?

tootiredtothink · 07/05/2015 07:47

Sorry, pressed too soon.

She had been referred by gp for self harming....bizzarly that wasn't serious enough for cahms to get involved (I had a telephone call from them).

School contacted them second time around.

Really hope you can get her some help.

What has your gp said when you've requested a home visit?

MsDran · 07/05/2015 08:05

I feel for you, I had a similar experience with DS but he did go to the GP, it took a long time to get him support (and a lot of phone calls) but was so worth it.
Have you Ben in touch with the charity 'Young Minds', they offer support for teens and parents.
Have you considered not authorising her absences. Tell the school she is not physically ill, GP is refusing to see her so you don't know if she has axiety / depression as you are not qualified to diagnose, you have tried to get her to school but she refuses. Keep records of dates and conversations with professionals. It will become an issue with school when they start noticing unauthorised absences and may lead to you accessing services that can provide more support.
Complain to your practice manager about your GP. It's unacceptable to refuse to see your daughter.
Ever time someone tells you they can't help explain the situation, ask them if they think it should continue indefinitely, then ask what they advise you should do.
Good luck OP, there is help out there but it is not easy to get. You have to keep banging loudly on the doors until someone helps.

Quitelikely · 07/05/2015 08:18

I could be wide of the mark here but could it be her hormones? Does she have periods yet?

Hormones are nasty things for some girls and women.

Could you start giving her evening primrose oil, cut out the sugar from her diet and try to go for a walk with her of an evening?

Have you asked if she would like to change schools?

Does she have friends?

Original poster

18yearstooold · 07/05/2015 08:32

Her periods have been regular for 18 months

She won't take anything, not even a vitamin pill or a paracetamol

I'm speaking to school again today

She does have friends but a little bit of investigating on my part means I know she hasn't spoken to them about what's going on, she's just told them she's sick

OP posts:

DieselSpillages · 10/05/2015 07:32

Try to encourage her to focus on very small tasks like cleaning out her sock drawer, or maybe take her your jewlery box and ask her to organise it and reward with an hours wifi.
Explain to her that focusing on anything , however trivial, makes us feel a little better. Tiny distracting steps with acheivable goals can help shift a mind set.

shaz70 · 10/05/2015 09:36

Hi . I know how you are feeling my daughter is 16 and same as your daughter she does go school but every thing is the same . Is she being bullied. I ask this as I recently splut and moved daughter away from dad she made friends with a girl who went same school and came round new house and I found out she was bullying my daughter and my daughter broke down and said she needed help we went docters . And refer her to camhs . I was sent a copy of letter which was also sent to gp . She has depression due to moving home . Me separating from father 23 years exams and it said she had no friends . She was put on citropram . Been on it 5 months . Its heartbreaking has my daughter wont talk and blames me for break up of family . I wish you all the best . Wondering if there was a teacher who she liked if school could get that teacher to speak to her

kath2212 · 10/05/2015 19:24

May be you could try writing her a letter - its often much easier to say in writing how you are feeling, and easier for her to accept. You could say how worried you are that she is feeling depressed, that she's not alone, there is support and things will get better. You could print off some info about depression in teens and leave it for her to read. Email her and se if she replies. I find with my teen we communicate more honestly when we are not face to face.

TheWordFactory · 10/05/2015 19:29

You must get medical assistance OP.

Call her GP again. Explain you are very anxious about your DDs mental health. Set out the starving herself and not washing.

Demand a visit! You have an ill child on your hands.

inneedofchocolate · 10/05/2015 19:35

Check your local CAMHS website as some used to accept self - referrals and you can always give them a ring. At the moment it takes a minimum of 2 referrals to even be in with a chance. Is there a counsellor at your child's school?

pickledparsnip · 10/05/2015 19:39

She sounds like I was at her age. I am 31, with a 5 year old and am well adjusted (is) now, honest.

I was a sodding nightmare for my parents at that age, it all seemed to be down to hideously low self esteem. I too refused to get up and go to school, I genuinely believed everyone hated me (despite having friends and not being bullied). I also had an eating disorder to content with. I ran away frequently and tried to commit suicide a few times (was very much a cry for help though).

I can honestly I don't know what triggered it all off. I left home at 16, started working and went to college. That was a huge help for me, I was desperate for independence.

pickledparsnip · 10/05/2015 19:41

Sorry I can't offer any advice. My mum tried everything. I saw a counsellor and was put on antidepressants at 14. I certainly wouldn't recommended the latter.

maccie · 10/05/2015 20:05

I haven't been in this position so forgive me if this sounds trite.

I would buy a blank book, turn off the wifi, allow the tantrum to run its course and then I would go and sit on her bed with her without talking for a while. Take out the book and I the top of the first page write. HOW I AM FEELING. on the second page writeHOW I WANT TO FEEL. On the third page. STEPS TO GET THERE THAT I CAN DO.

Your going to have to go first. I would suggest answers such as. 1. Sad that my daughter is unhappy. 2. Happy that my daughter feeling better today. 3. Find a way to Communicate better.

Then leave her the book and ask her to add to it and you can discuss it same time tomorrow night.

It will hopefully help her think through her feelings and keep you both communicating. If nothing else it will make her know she is supported and love and will give her an outlet and designated time to discuss her thoughts.

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