DD and weight

[jennimum]

I joined this forum to see if anyone has similar experiences they can share. My youngest DD (16) is overweight and doesnt seem to care. I dont want to make her self conscious so I dont comment but I do weigh her every week on the gym scales we have at home and track her weight. We eat as a family healthily and have home gym equipment which I encourage everyone to use as well as swim.
That said, she use to be a lot more active, we have 7 seven horses and shes now technically to heavy to ride hers so I limit that a lot. She walks round in crop tops and swims in bikinis so shes obviously not concerned which is good in a way but I wish I could help her be more healthy! Help!

Jennimum
Maybe weighing your DD weekly is a bit extreme and a shock to most of us, but honestly you don't need to do that. Just make sure she does daily physical exercises, eat healthy food and keep an eye on the size of her food portions.
When we eat even after we are full, our stomach gradually expands and that extra food the body doesn't need is stored as fat. So doing a lot of physical exercises when you are on this state won't produce the desired effect.

mumsharingknowledge everyday is to much but she exercises at least twice a week

lastqueen I could've written your post. My mum was just the same even though I was always slim, sporty and fit. She even wrote me an exercise plan right after first dd was born Ffs! And it is really damaging to self esteem, I still have body issues now because of it.

so noone has any useful advice?

I thought 'stop weighing her every week' and 'treat her like the adult she is' were both excellent starting points.

Have you actually read all the responses, Op? You've had plenty of good advice. Problem is, I don't think you want to hear it.

Speaking as someone who's mum weighed her every week from the age of 11+, I think you're just crazy.

You're opening up your DD to years of issues with food and her body. Please just stop! You provide a healthy diet and the opportunity to lead an active lifestyle, that is enough right now.

Please don't make her feel ashamed or embarrassed about her weight. The number on a scale doesn't mean anything really, and I don't think your DD will ever forget or really forgive you for putting this pressure on her when clearly she is comfortable in her own skin.

Jennie I'm not sure what "useful advice" you want.......I think the consensus is to stop weighing her. I agree with everyone else - how humiliating for an overweight 16 year old to be weighed by her mother - I am amazed that she co-operates with this weekly weigh in. You don't seem to be taking on board what so many mothers are saying - and the post from Letmegetanamechange should be warning enough to you to stop this weighing madness. Also what she says is spot on - stop making such an issue of it, and concentrate on being healthy not on weight.

Incidentally have you ever talked with your DD about how she feels about her weight. It's just some posts have mentioned that she almost certainly knows she's overweight and is dealing with it in her own way. She can't not know she's overweight can she as most girls of that age are skinny. My DGD is 15 and a bit on the chunky side but is happy as the day is long, though she knows when she needs to lose a bit of weight and will start eating more healthily and doing more exercise.

Please stop weighing this poor girl and fixating on her weight and look at the positives about her, both inside and out.

Can I add here that in the end sometimes you have to accept that your child simply is overweight and will grow into an overweight adult, and there is nothing you can do about it.

Would add, that when your child is a normal weight it's quite easy to say that parents shouldn't talk about weight loss or encourage it. There are examples given here of people who were a normal weight who were told by their parents that they needed to diet.

This is a million miles away from being a parent of an overweight or obese child. Fact: lots of children are very overweight Fact: healthy eating at home and encouragement simply don't result in weight loss for some children. Fact: many fat children won't naturally slim down of their own accord and will go on to be fat adults.

My mother would have had no idea what I weighed at 16 Although we had the exact same body type back then so she might have had a rough idea.

My 14yo was seriously overweight between about the ages of 10 and 13.

We do eat healthily as a family, but obviously, there is always the option of eating too much. Also, when she started at senior school, she had much more autonomy in what she ate at the school canteen. (Although, they use parentpay, so I could check what she was eating online.)

Anyway, we got to the stage where I was really worried. We started weighing once a week, to check her BMI, which was very high, and showed her to be obese. (The point of the weekly weighing was for her to be able to see it gradually fall.) We discussed healthy eating, and what snacks and breakfast foods she might like me to buy (I started getting hot smoked salmon to eat on bagels or toast and avocados, and so on. High in energy, but not sugary.) I said we needed to sort it out, and that I was worried maybe she had an eating disorder, and that was nothing to be ashamed of, and we could go to the doctor to get help.

In the event, she has managed to bring it under control, herself. I think this is partly due to falling out with a "so-called-friend" who was bullying her in that "mean girls" way of blanking etc.

So basically, I gave her some support to sort out the problem, but, she needed to take responsibility for it, herself.

Now, at 14, she is slim, but not skinny. She eats healthily, but not obsessively so, and I don't even bother to check what she is eating online, and as far as I am aware, she hasn't weighed herself for months and months. (I asked if she wanted to check her BMI, to see it had gone down into the green range, and she wasn't interested, which I thought was very healthy. She could see that she wasn't overweight, anymore. She didn't need to prove it to herself with a number.)

I don't know if this helps, at all. I do have a (nearly) 16yo, so I know dealing with them can be harder than a younger child, who may be more receptive to your point of view.

You really need to stop weighing her. You know she is over weight. Anything else is humiliation. Stop being fixated by the numbers, they are largely irrelevant. Your eyes are as good a guide as anything.
As others have said, give her a job working at the stables, and stop any talk of weight loss.She will be more than an aware of her situation.

minifingers are you suggesting I should just be ok with her growing into an overweight adult?
sanityclause im so pleased to hear you did exactly what im doing tracking for reductions xxx

measles horseriding is very hard work and great for toning. Moving hay and water buckets even more so.

OP 11.4 at 5.4 is overweight but not obese. My dd is 19 and after 2 years of depression now weighs almost 16 stone an is only 5.7 so your dd has a long way to go before it is deadly serious.

Does she enjoy the horseriding? Dd loved riding but just before the depression i was pregnant so we stopped going. Now she knows she is getting too heavy for the horses and is trying to lose weight so she can stay riding. Can you use that as an incentive?
Definitely encourage her to work more at the stables, the gym is boring but parelli training is fun and requires a lot of energy.

I do think you are right to address her weight, i was a fat kid and my mum knew nothing about healthy eating. Our dr told her you never put kids on a diet so she just watched me get heavier. I now tell dd to focus on health and fitness rather than size. I will be happy if she is healthy and active as this can help her depression. She too wears 'skinny' clothes which i wouldn't dare wear but kids often have no idea how tgey rwally look

Oh dear Jennimum, you have taken rather a bashing here.
My daughter at 10 started to become overweight and I made a huge mistake.
No, I did not say she was fat, but she knew I was thinking it by some comments I made about not eating junk food and being more active. That was enough!
At 13 she started to starve herself, take laxatives and diet pills. The weight fell off her and she shrunk and shrunk. Young people are sooo sensitive about these things and even my gentle approach did damage.
Please stop weighing your child, please never mention weight to her again. Believe me, you would rather the strain that weight puts on a persons body, than the strain starvation and laxatives do. Weight does not kill like eating disorders can. It happens suddenly and pulls the rug from under you. I did not see it coming.
My daughter is now 17 and once again overweight. We got her through it but she messed up her metabolism with the dieting. I am very thin and can eat what I like, she is like her aunts and puts on weight if she eats a lettuce leaf! She is destined to be a big girl and nothing will ever make her a skinny bean.
I never, ever, ever think about her being overweight in a negative way anymore. I'm so grateful to see her well, yes well, rather fat but healthy enough in comparison to the dull eyed, limp child that would not eat.
I'm not trying to tell you off, just open your eyes to what could so easily happen.
Please take care of your daughter with love and understanding. Not one size fits all. She will sort it in her own time...if she wants to.

Oh frinny so glad your DD has recovered. You're so right about how this worry over weight can turn to an ED and anorexia is especially worrying isn't it as it can in its extreme form cause death.

I don't think minifingers is suggesting you should be ok with her being an overweight adult, more that sometimes you can't control people, just as you can't stop people smoking or whatever.

"are you suggesting I should just be ok with her growing into an overweight adult?"

No - it's worrying and saddening to think of your child growing into an adult who will struggle with weight.

But you know, there is a limit on what you can do as a parent. If you make healthy food available and facilitate her taking part in exercise you are doing the right thing, but I think that's all you can do. Constant monitoring and reminding a teenage girl about her weight is counter productive. I say that as a parent who has done a fair amount of flagging up poor food choices and drawing attention to the lack of exercise with my own overweight dd - it's not been a good or effective strategy.

"Weight does not kill like eating disorders can"

Anorexia and bulimia do kill a frighteningly high percentage of those who get them. But they're still relatively rare in their severe form.

Overweight and obesity is incredibly common on the other hand, and it can really, really impact on a child's quality of life, particularly if they end up getting diabetes. :-( My dd is a high risk for diabetes because we have it in the family. DD has got PCOS, reflux, and a very poor body image, which makes her unhappy. And that's a child who isn't dieting and who has never dieted. Her quality of life is definitely compromised by her weight and lifestyle.

A child who is just a bit overweight, but who eats healthily and is active is not the same thing as a child who is eating badly and is inactive. I think as a parent you have a responsibility to make healthy eating and activity as easy and accessible as possible, but that's all you can do. You can't control a child's weight externally when they are teenagers.

I was fat as a teenager- at 15 I was 10 and a half stone at 5"4.

I became 'the bubbly one' out of my friendship group and still wore the same sorts of fashionable clothes as my friends.
To everyone else, it looked like I didn't care but I did. I was desperately miserable that I was fat but I had no idea where to start with sorting it out. Because the rest of the world thought I was a bubbly carefree girl, I was too embarrassed to ask for help as that would undermine my persona and, you know, actually make me admit that I was fat.

My mum used to drop small hints about me being fat and would engineer situations to get me on the scales.

One day she sat me down and had a full a frank conversation. She said that because I was becoming a grown woman, she wasn't going to flip-flop around anymore and would talk to me like an adult. She said 'Bugger, you're overweight and it's not good for your health'.

We came up with a diet and exercise plan that we were going to do together. We both aimed to lose 2 stone. This was absolutely amazing for me as she'd given me a sort of olive-branch which meant I didn't have to go and ask for help. And I also felt really well supported and it was really good fun. I lost two and a half stone in about five months and was as fit as a fiddle.

I think starting off having a frank conversation is that way to go. Even if she's not ready to lose weight now, let her know that you'll be there if/when she does decide to.
Is there any way you can do exercise with your daughter? Perhaps you could set your own goals so that she feels supported?

Please stop weighing her every week

"She said that because I was becoming a grown woman, she wasn't going to flip-flop around anymore and would talk to me like an adult. She said 'Bugger, you're overweight and it's not good for your health'."

Your mum sounds great.

I don't know why, but I found myself reading those words your mum said to myself in a Yorkshire accent! Maybe it's the straight talking...

BuggerMeInBurnley so to add context you were lighter than she is now for all the people that say I shouldnt worry or track

I don't think anyone's arguing with you that her weight is over where it should be, Jennimum. What they are arguing with is your view that YOU need to take charge of it for her, or that doing so would be good for her. She really isn't a child any more.

By the way, Bugger, would your mum's straight talking have been OK coming from a slimmer parent? Or was the fellow feeling (both of you losing weight) part of what made it work?

but she hasnt and wont take charge thats the problem