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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

OTT? What's your stance on them opening their school report first?

94 replies

Gymbob · 27/03/2015 12:00

She's 15. I've told her before - the report is addressed to me, you cannot open it. She's done it again, I've just found it open and chucked on the bedroom floor (surprised I saw it amongst all the shit).

She says, what's your problem, everyone opens their report at school.

do tell me, is she right?

OP posts:
Original poster
Gymbob · 28/03/2015 10:10

absolutey, it's all about disobedience though though isn't it. I asked if I can open her mail as she is opening mine and she said no!

OP posts:
Sparklingbrook · 28/03/2015 10:15

Did the report come in the post?

PowderMum · 28/03/2015 10:19

OP my DC are a similar age to your DD they go through their reports at school about a week before it goes out and so know what it contains, they usually then tell me what it contains. I have no problem with them reading it before I get it, in fact to me it's not that important even when it does come home, all it contains is a list of grades and predicted GCSE grades plus some marks for effort.

But then I am of the thought that this is their life an their education, both my DC want to go onto university and try hard at school and I leave their career choice up to them. If they want to take a day off I wouldn't force them into school. Then again they both have good attendance records.

hippoinatutu · 28/03/2015 10:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tilliebob · 28/03/2015 10:25

Ours is a huge booklet of A4 sheets - one for each subject - it doesn't come in an envelope. Of course it's well read because it's theirs and they compare reports on the bus home long before we get home from work to see it. I do get annoyed when my mum reads it before me though Confused

Original poster
Gymbob · 28/03/2015 10:27

powdermum, are you serious that if they want a day off you let them? so they voluntarily go to school every day? that is astonishing. how on earth did you manage that. I think I need to move in for a week to learn a thing or two.

I am definitely in charge of my two's education. they wouldn't go if they had the choice!

OP posts:
BafanaThesober · 28/03/2015 10:33

My daughter reads it first, and although it is addressed to me, and this irks me somewhat - they are her results and it is her education.
She would not dream of opening anything else!

However your DD's attitude is the bigger problem here, and I would be picking my battles, opening her report and then not handing it to you is a much much bigger deal, not doing her homework is a major deal in my house, and I would be stamping that out hard.

Who pays the phone bill and the Internet. Take these things away!! Yes I realise that this may impact on other people in the house, but I wouldn't hesitate.

My DD is studying for her highers at the moment, and as a family (me,dd and DS) we decided that the dining room table was the best place for this.

It's a pain in the tonsil, because we have a pn one plan lounge dining room, and ds and I can't watch tv whilst she is studying. But- I know here she is, I know what she is doing, and I can monitor the Internet usuage, which I couldn't do when she was in her bedroom. Compromise and enforce!

But - if opening her report was all she was doing, I would try not to sweat it. Tackle the bigger stuff before it gets totally out of hand.

RJnomore · 28/03/2015 10:45

Well it is and it isn't about disobedience - its about enforcing things that actually matter, like actually standing up and dealing with the social media, and not getting your knickers in a twist over them reading their report which has information about them. And if you were to get annoyed about anything with the report, surely the issue is the not giving it to you?

You can't expect blind obedience To daft rules. You can expect to be respected and to be obeyed when things matter. But you are you need to deal with this stuff and not displace it onto something utterly daft which just makes you look faintly ridiculous.

There's lots of threads on here about picking your battles and I have found it good advice.

And yes my 15 yo goes to school voluntarily too, because she realises she's responsible for her education - I don't think encouraging passivity in relation to their education is a good thing. I broadly agree with powder mum really,

Nerf · 28/03/2015 11:00

If in expected to take an interest and support my child's education then I think I should have direct contact via the reports. If everything is child centred its a bit much to say that parents should be responsible for them. It's not all equal - I'm not dd's friend.

bigTillyMint · 28/03/2015 11:07

My DC's reports come by post, and the short versions are available online.

Whilst I don't think the DC have ever opened one, I wouldn't mind, as long as they then handed it to me rather than hiding it!

OddBoots · 28/03/2015 11:12

It isn't either/or - my (secondary school aged) children bring the reports home from school so they aren't posted or emailed. I know what day they are coming home so I do expect them but if they want to read them before they hand them over then that is fine, I will then look at it and after I have done so we will talk it through.

My DS is in Y11, he will hopefully be at sixth form next year, it is his work that will determine if he gets in and then his future career options. He isn't studying for my benefit, he is studying for his own sake.

He and I agree what private study he will do when so I can make sure he has the space, time and resources to do it but he has to make the effort in those times, I will remind him once on the times when I think he has forgotten but he knows I'm not going to nag him, that would just make us both miserable and he wouldn't actually learn anything if he was staring at a book under duress. His report tells him where his study is working and where he needs to change his methods or do more, the information is far more useful to him than it is to me.

peggyundercrackers · 28/03/2015 11:25

It's about disobedience? You sound like your blowing this out of proportion. I Get the letter is addressed to you but it's only mail... We all open each other's mail here - it's no big deal... We aren't that precious about it.

We always opened ours first then gave it to parents so we kne what to expect.

OneMagnumisneverenough · 28/03/2015 19:47

DS1 (14) never does, DS2 (13) always does. He does however hand it to me straight away

MrsUrquhart · 28/03/2015 19:53

Wow, I always read mine! I didn't even realise you weren't supposed to. Anyway, I think technically she has a right to read it under data protection laws, it's her personal data. (And if she throws that justification at you, you know you've got a future lawyer on your hands!).

GotToBeInItToWinIt · 28/03/2015 19:56

I always read mine first. Wouldn't have occurred to me to just hand it over! It was about me. My parents never had an issue with it.

CwtchCorner · 28/03/2015 20:08

DS, 16, has opened his for some time. I'm fine with that, he's entitled to see how he is getting on and he's sensible enough. School send out an email/text to say that the school reports are being sent home that day so I always know to ask for it.

SconessMcFloness · 28/03/2015 22:03

My dcs have asked if it's ok to open their's first and I have agreed. It's about them, their education and I am not so petty as to really care if they read it first.....pick you battles - this one is pretty daft, just agree that you get the report directly after they have read it and move on!

UnsolvedMystery · 28/03/2015 22:18

Whilst the envelope might be addressed to you, it is about them. They know exactly what it is, it isn't like them opening your mail.
It's not good to be that controlling of teenagers at that age. Give them room to take responsibility and grow up.

goinggetstough · 29/03/2015 09:50

Another old fashioned person here too. The envelope is addressed to me so I would expect to open it first and I don't think that is petty. Yes it is about the DC and of course we let them see it. More often than not they have seen most of it at school anyway. The comments about it is good to see that the OP's DC was interested in her own education. I don't think the fact that she opened the envelope and chucked the report of the floor of her room shows maturity or an interest in her education. More a rebellious streak to go against her Mother's wishes.

balletgirlmum · 29/03/2015 09:55

Dds reports are sent in the post addressed to me & dh.

We read them first then pass it to her before we discuss the contents together.

RudyMentary · 29/03/2015 09:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SconessMcFloness · 29/03/2015 10:11

The petty bit is the wanting to read it first!

ScorpioMermaid · 29/03/2015 10:23

My primary school kids never open anything with my/our names on. The older ones reports etc all get mailed home anyway.
I wouldn't mind them reading the reports first just the fact that she hadn't bothered to show it.

DocHollywood · 29/03/2015 10:38

In 1968 I was a year 7 student and we were told in no uncertain terms it would be a regarded as a near hanging offence to open our reports that were addressed to our parents. At the bus stop I watched a year 10 girl rip open her report and read it to us all. I was aghast but inside I was shivering with excitement at such blatant disregard for authority. Sylvia Camfield, are you still a rebel?

peggyundercrackers · 29/03/2015 11:04

Doc your post made me laugh.