Just don't know what to do anymore. Help!!

[Slippersmum]

My dd has always had a lot of friends (falls out, makes new ones, falls out) but now whe is getting older it's getting worst. In the past I have had letters and textes from parents saying how mean she is being and can I speak with her. Now we have had another one and I just don't know what to do. My dh and I had a row about it last night and are now hardly speaking. I am just so upset and I must say embarrassed. i want to understand why she struggles to maintain friendships and what goes wrong each time. But I just don't know and I am now at a loss what to do. We have withdrawn things eg phone etc in the past but it's not a long term solution as sooner or later it happens again. Does anyone have any ideas? Where am I going wrong? Incidentally we do not have these issues with her siblings. I am at the end of my tether and feel lost and rather alone?

Are you sure it is always your daughter at fault when these friendships go wrong? Perhaps try and get her side of it all too. Groups of females can be amazingly bitchy sometimes. Maybe try and find some time for a chat.It sounds awful - hang in there x

What is her version of events?

I do always 'take her side' as my dh says. I set aside time for us to be together but she just doesn't seem to see what she is doing is wrong. School tell me she 'treats gossip like emotional warfare'. It's things like not speaking to people, generally causing trouble and being mean. I am starting to become very embarassed about her behaviour. I want to support her to be kinder and just a little tiny bit sensitive to other people's feelings. I know teenagers are insensitive as my other three are but this is something different, something more. Suggestions very welcome!

Do you think there may be an underlying unhappiness somewhere? Something unrelated to friends and school, which is displaying itself with this behaviour. Perhaps the school could help with some time to talk to someone there? Or maybe they or you could set aside some time to get her and her friends talking it through together? It must be awful for you..try not to be embarrassed and take consolation in the fact that there are worse than you out there and you really aren't doing such a bad parenting job. Teenagers are a constant learning curve :/

Girls at this age can be awful and nastiness can last years. It may be a two way thing however you mentioned school have noticed her behaviour is a little stronger than expected. Do you think she may not understand what she is doing. She could have a social communication difficulty. These are much harder to detect in girls. She may not understand how other people may feel or how to act appropriately in social situations. I doubt punishments will work if she doesn't get what she is being punished for. It may be worth discussing this with school. The main concern for you is if she is happy.