Daughter has come out as bisexual - how do we tell my parents?

[Snowy00]

DD has come out as bi and that's fine with me and her father. But my parents (in their 80s) don't know yet and won't be ok with it. Do we keep it a secret from them?

[BertieBotts]

I do find it kind of bizarre and I do understand where she's coming from. It's weird that anybody would particularly feel the need to keep it a secret, or talk about not telling anybody "yet" or "at the moment" - because it does make it seem like something shameful somehow, when it's not, it's perfectly normal.

But then I am not that close to my grandparents and have never really talked about dating with them unless a relationship was serious and they were meeting, which in fact I think only happened with DH and XP and DH hasn't even met my grandad yet (will this year).

So I'm going to hop back on the fence. I would not particularly go down the road of a whole dramatic announcement thing where elderly/old fashioned relatives are concerned, but I certainly wouldn't keep secrets or wait for a specific point. If it comes up then it comes up and she shouldn't be ashamed or hiding away. I feel like this for a 13yo as well, BTW. I don't know why that sentence "it's not necessary for anyone to know at the moment" got me so fired up, but it did somehow. It's one thing if it's her private thoughts that she doesn't want people in general to know but I think keeping it private in order not to offend sensibilities of others or in case it turns out to be a phase is a bit sad, actually. I've always said to DS things along the lines of "When you grow up and find a girl, or a boy, that you like and want to marry..."

[BertieBotts]

Yes Theas that makes a lot of sense.

[Viviennemary]

I don't see the point of telling your elderly parents about it. Just say nothing.

[MrsSquirrel]

Has she asked you to tell them?

I think it's up to your dd to tell them or not. As long as she understands you think it would upset them and they might reject her, it is her choice to make. I can understand dd not wanting to lie about herself.

Upsetting the grandparents is not a good thing. OTOH grandparents potentially rejecting their own granddaughter is also not a good thing. It's not dd's fault your parents are intolerant.

[Poledra]

I wonder if they'd really struggle with it, TBH. My brother is gay, and my parents had a hard time coming to terms with it. My mother went to tell her parents, and burst into tears before she could say anything. Once she was finally able to tell them, my grandparents said 'Thank god that's all it is! We knew there was something upsetting you and thought someone was ill!' They went on to say they had suspected it for a while, so it was no big surprise. They were in their seventies (and this was about 20 years ago) and also said there was nothing we could tell them that they hadn't already seen in their long lives.

This is turning into a bit of an essay but I'd say that, in fact, my grandparents were waaayyy cooler with it than my parents. Among other things they said was that they were glad that my brother had come out now rather than force himself to try and be what he was not, and perhaps make an unhappy marriage with a woman. And that they were also glad that it was no longer illegal, so he was not in danger of being arrested!

[Poledra]

Oh, I missed a critical point from my essay - my mother thought my grandparents would reject my brother when he came out. They did not, and accepted his boyfriend as a member of the family.

[petmyunicorn]

Haven't had a chance to read the full thread yet, but when I came out and my mother suggested not telling her parents, I found it very, very upsetting and hurtful. Like she would rather avoid an awkward situation than be on my side.

That being said, I didn't wait for my parents to tell anyone. It was my information to share and I did so.

Incidentally, my eighth something grandmother handled it better than anyone else!

[petmyunicorn]

Sorry, just need to add another thought now that I've read the full thread: it's upsetting to see some people view coming out as attention seeking.

I did not come out once. I come out every single day, every time I meet a new person. Everyone assumes I am straight. It's a skill I've honed over the years. And while it's great everyone seems very blasé about sexuality and acceptance, I find its not really like that in the wider world.

A gay/bi young person has probably taken awhile to come to term and try to accept themselves, and then been fearful to tell other important people. To finally come out (and to parents, especially if you're young) produces a feeling of elation and freedom. Finally being able to fully be yourself after years of not. Or at least it was like that for me.

So being told to keep quiet and not tell others? I think it's damaging.

[Floralnomad]

I'm amazed that so many posters seem to think that if you are 80+ you are excused for being homophobic ! My DS is gay and both sets of GPs know ( no great coming out as such but they were told) , my mum is fine about it ,my DS thinks my MIL is not so he chooses not to spend anytime with her - it's up to your dd who she wants to tell and who she wants to be and secrets never do families any good in the long term . I think by not wanting them to be told your dd may feel that in a way you are not happy with it and are not really telling her the truth about your feelings .

[GatoradeMeBitch]

Does she have a girlfriend? I really don't see the point in mentioning it until she does, unless her grandparents ask her who she is seeing.

I know it's frowned upon to say and I wasn't going to say it, but an awful lot of young women identify as bisexual and never go on to date other women. My best friend is gay, and if she posted on MN she'd have a lot to say about this! But with young women other things can affect how they feel, including wanting to feel special and different and wanting to appear sexually sophisticated to their male peers. It's not frowned upon for teenage girls to say they're bi, in fact it's practically encouraged these days. I've seen straight women snog and grope each other in clubs just to flirt with men.

Of course, she may be genuinely bi. But then why the need to shout it from the rooftops?

[BertieBotts]

[MrsSquirrel]

She may be genuinely bi. But then why the need to shout it from the rooftops?

Because there is genuinely nothing wrong with being bi. If the grandparents (or anyone else) are unhappy about it, that's homophobia. They are the ones with the problem, not the teenager.

[LadyGregory]

I'm in agreement with petmyunicorn and FloralNomad about being depressed at the excuses for homophobia in older people and seeing coming out as attention-seeking. And the long history of dismissing female bi identity as a straight-man-pleasing nightclub 'phase' is pretty homophobic.

[KaffeOgKage]

Id also wait until she is in a relationship, but along the way in the mean time challenge any homophobic remarks they might make.

BertieBotts makes a good point about when you're 18/19 you feel you need to announce what defines you so I guess, other people can define you, but as you get older, you see the benefits in keeping your own business private so that you can't be defined!

[GatoradeMeBitch]

Sorry, I re-read, and I was clearly projecting (and in a shitty mood). Apologies, I don't know your daughter or her feelings, and my comment was very unfair. And girls who snog other girls to attract boys probably wouldn't be interested in coming out to their grandparents! Just ignore what I said earlier.

[mathanxiety]

I don't think she should assume their acceptance of her is conditional. I don't think she needs to bother formally coming out to them.

It may be hard for her to understand this since she herself may have gone through a period of questioning, or upset, or self-focus to try to determine whether she was straight or gay or bisexual, but the rest of the world is probably not as focused on her sexuality and not as interested in it by a long shot as she is.

To me a teen adamant about coming out is like a teen who thinks everyone is going to notice minute details about her appearance -- it's unlikely that anyone else has formed any opinion about her sexuality, or is operating under assumptions that include any reference to sexuality at all.

If I were her I would just live my life and if the GPs are ever in the company of the DD and a girlfriend then they can form their own conclusions.

[mathanxiety]

This is partly because in the long run I think it is best to treat it as what it is -- normal.

[differentnameforthis]

But DD disagrees: she wants to tell the world! Then let her...but prepare her.

It's all you can do.

[mathanxiety]

Before she does anything about it, I would try to ask DD what her reasons are for making an announcement, and I would try to suggest that while this is a big thing for her, it is not necessarily something other people would be thinking about at all (and not because they assume she is straight but because they are genuinely not interested in her sexuality and focused on other aspects of her as a whole person -- is she polite, generous, kind, helpful, rude, lazy, loud, shy, outgoing, etc) and they might consider it none of their business and be quite puzzled that she felt the need to share what is actually quite a personal detail.

[ThatBloodyWoman]

Let her tell them.Or not.As she decides.

[maliapotter]

Not sure if you still wanted advice but I've got some anyway!

My DD came out only last month and my parents (having gay godparents myself) were completely fine with it.

I would say that when she finds her girlfriend/boyfriend, it might be a good idea to mention it. Don't make it weird, just say "DD has a girlfriend/boyfriend."