Roomsharing -- Has to Happen!

[4kids1dad]

I need some unbiased help and opinion from parents who have struggled with forced roomsharing. To set the scene for you I've got 2 biological sons; age 12 and 13. Their Mom and I split about 2 years ago and they lived @ 60% of the time with me in my apartment and 40% of the time with her in the house that we shared. Last August their Mom moved from the house and I regained possession of it. I moved into the house in October with my girlfriend (now fiance). She has 2 kids as well; a girl age 5, and a boy age 3. The families have fit wonderfully except for one thing.

My sons retained their original rooms that they've had for the last 5-6 years now. Her children spend about 50% of the time at their fathers and they share a room at our home. Her youngest boy is a strong-willed child, and gets into all of his sisters stuff, so she has to do her best to keep it in away from him. She isn't able to set out her barbies and doll houses to play with because he will kick them, run them over with a toy truck, etc. In addition, the 5 yr old girl can't get dressed with her brother in the room.

My girlfriend is pushing for my two boys to share a room and put her kids in their own rooms (there is no way to divide rooms or expand what's already there). Her point is that her daughter being of the opposite sex from her brother, needs her own space. I agree with her wholeheartedly, except on the timing. She insists that it should be done now. I am trying to avoid putting the two teenage boys in the same room at our house until I have to. They are very different and share a room at their Mom's apartment. I believe in a couple of years when her daughter is 7 it will be unavoidable, and at that time, a change will have to be made.

She admittingly is thinking on a personal level and "looking out for her children." I am thinking on a logistical level and believe that putting two teenagers in a room together, while giving two toddlers their own space is absurd. If I put myself in their shoes, and my brother and I are squished together while a three year old is given his own room, I would come unglued. Also, if I were to think on a personal level, which I haven't, it really isn't fair that the two older boys share a room at both of the houses, while the two toddlers get their seperate space at both their Dad's house and ours.

Honest feedback needed please! We both love our children, and each others very much. Outside of this one issue, which is causing hurt feelings, our family is a big loving bunch!

I would say that teens need their space a hell of a lot more than a 5 year old and a 3 year old. And I have no idea why the daughter needs space to change away from her brother.

Anyhow, the obvious solution is that the 3 year old moves in to your room when he is there if she is insisting they not share. I would say teens take priority.

Teens take priority 100%. It's their family home and they share at their mothers already.

If you girlfriends son can't behave then you need to deal with that. When her daughter starts puberty (5years time maybe?) then I would think about it again, but by that time your sons would be 17 and 18, one maybe at university? Maybe you'll have more money to move/extend.

IMO it would cause a massive resentment from your sons that could not be undone.

At aged 3 and 5 there is no way they need separate rooms. And I find it odd that the 5 year old won't get changed in front of her brother - it is very unusual to be so body conscious at such a young age.. if the 3 year old is so
naughty he needs to be taught how to behave.

Your teenagers do needs separate rooms - homework for one thing. Family house, etc etc. A 3 year old boy does not need a room to himself - neither does a 5 year old girl.

Teenagers win - definitely.

Ridiculous that a 3 year old gets priority. Especially when it has been your boys family home and they have had those rooms for years.

Sorting out the younger boys behaviour is more the issue I think!

fgs her kids are three and five?
Well then they can share a room until they are seven.
Your teens should take priority why should this woman move into their house with more kids and move them out of their rooms?
As for the not undressing in front of her 3 year old brother, well that is a bit odd. Maybe she can get changed in the bathroom.

What sizes are the bedrooms ( including yours ) there must be some way of dividing one of them . Other than that I think the teens get to keep their rooms and frankly I don't see why a 5 yr old can't get dressed in front of a 3 yr old .

Absolutely, teens take priority. It is far more important for them to have their own space than much younger children. Agree with Chris above, move the 3-yr old in with you when he visits.

No reason why a 5 year old girl can't share with her 3 year old brother for another 3 or 4 years IMO

I agree with other posters that's the teens should take priority, especially of they are with you for a bigger % of the week than the younger children

I was made to share a bath with my brother til I was 12, never mind a room!! Admittedly, it was pretty awkward at the end and not something I'll repeat with my own kids, but it happened and I'm not too scarred.

I agree with pps, teens take priority and you need to sort out the 3yr old if his behaviour is really that poor.

My DS & DD share a room quite happily. I don't see the need to move them until we are approaching puberty at which time I'm hoping one of the older teens may have moved out.
In the meantime we are all squashed in together but agree completely with others, my teens need space much more than the little ones (5 & 8) and we will look at it again a few years down the line.

You don't know how circumstance may change in those intervening years. I really wouldn't cause stress to teens for a young girl to have her own space before its really necessary.
That would be a sure fire way to cause division and resentment.
Why rock the boat?

Can't you have a move around with rooms and divide up the biggest? Or have you a dining room that is rarely used to re-purpose into a bedroom?

I agree with pp that have said the teenagers needs are greater right now. It's their family home and I think they deserve to keep their own space.

I think you should leave things as they are. Its not fair to make your sons share a room now when they have had their own separate rooms in that house for 5 or 6 years. They need their own space more than the younger ones. Maybe look at it in a few years.

I would say this whichever of you was posting.
Teenagers need their own space. Siblings of the opposite sex can share until around age 10 unless puberty starts before that.
Your sons should not be made to share a room in order to allow an unrelated 3 and 5 year old to have a room each. To enforce this could cause justifiable resentment.

I would be very weary of a person who is always 'looking out for her children' in a blended family. It sounds like you sons will be getting the short end of the stick just to appease your GF.
There is no need for a 3 year old boy and a 5 year old girl his to share. The changing clothes is silly she's 5 but if she really needs privacy she can do it in the loo. The disruption well she's just going to have to disaplin him and keep a closer eye in him.

Agree that the teenagers' needs should take priority. Is there space anywhere else in the house where the little girls can have her dolls house etc where her little brother can't just mess with it? Corner of a living room or something so she can still play with her toys but they share at night? I also think it's odd that she's conscious of changing in front of a 3 year old.

I'm with the others (and I do have teenagers and 2 toddlers) no way would I prioritise the youngest children fr separate bedrooms over teenagers.

The 5yo can be taught to tidy her toys when she's finished and the 3yo can play under adult supervision until he is able to moderate his own behaviour.

Why on earth can't she get unchanged in front of a 3yo of either sex that's just weird.

If it must happen that her children need their own rooms the alternative is one of them gets your bedroom and you get a sofa bed for the sitting room.

Adding to unanimous votes to leave the teens alone. If the 3yo behavior is that bad even if he and his sister have seperate rooms he'll probably go into hers and mess it up anyway so the answer there is to sort out his behavior.

Teens need more space and privacy, they spend more time with you than the little ones. Agree that if the insistence is that the two little ones don't share then you and your GF should bear the brunt and have the 3yo in with you.

FWIW we have a 3 bed house but my two share a room (DS 6yo, DD 3yo) so we can have a dedicated spare room for frequent visitors. They are able to share their space well because they have to. And DS has no qualms about getting dressed in front of any of us - how weird for a 5yo to already be like that

Agree with everyone else.
Purely as an age thing, teens need their own space far more than littlies.
Teens live in their bedrooms, little ones can play in the living room. There's no need for a 3 yr old to be playing alone in his room.
Add into the mix that this has actually been the teens home, in your case, I think you would be asking for trouble to make them lose out on bedroom space and privacy for two little dc who, so far they have all got on with. It's just asking for the resentment to set in.
Nor can I see why the little girl can't get changed while her brother is there - you said they are 5 and 3, not 15 and 13

Teens should get their own room for the next 5/6years. By which time they'll be at uni or spending a lot more time out of house anyway and can then share a room.

Why can't a 5 yr old get changed in front of a 3 yr old? That's odd. Our primary schools have them all changing for p.e. in the same room until 11.

Teens over the littlies, definitely, for a good few years yet. Is there a bigger room they could share though? If the younger ones are to share, they should get the biggest kids room, and the elder boys have the next two rooms.

No reason why a 5 year old girl shouldn't be changing in front of her brother, surely? She'll be changing for PE at school in front of boys for several years yet, for a start, and she's 5! If she was 12, things might be different, but she's a long way off that.

Can you put the 3&5 yr olds in the biggest room with an artificial divide in the room made with those ikea storage shelve thingies so they have their own space but still officially share a room? Might take a bit of jigging around of whose room is whose but could solve the problem?

I cannot imagine having to share as a teen, and although it's unavoidable for some, you cannot expect them to agree to what your partner is proposing just because DS kicks DD's Barrie dolls around. It's madness!

Is there any way that the divided time with their other parent can be done so as to not coincide too often so that the 3 year old can temporarily use one of the teens bedrooms while he is at his Mums? so that maybe the little ones will be sharing 1 night a week or so?

Otherwise, I agree with the numerous previous posters that the teens get the rooms each. That's how it would work in a family if all children were yours together, elder children generally get priority.

Agree, teens keep a room each, but the 2 little ones sharing get the biggest of the rooms.

Move the bulk of the 3 year old's toys to the living room/dining room, he plays in family space, not in the bedroom so 5 year old gets some space to play with more grown up toys.

I'm surprised a 5 year old is so shy, my 5 year old boy has no embarrassment about changing for swimming etc in a group changing room.

Maybe your sons might want to alternate their time with each parent so they get the room at their Mums to themselves most of the time too or would that destroy their relationship with each other?