Roomsharing -- Has to Happen!

[4kids1dad]

I need some unbiased help and opinion from parents who have struggled with forced roomsharing. To set the scene for you I've got 2 biological sons; age 12 and 13. Their Mom and I split about 2 years ago and they lived @ 60% of the time with me in my apartment and 40% of the time with her in the house that we shared. Last August their Mom moved from the house and I regained possession of it. I moved into the house in October with my girlfriend (now fiance). She has 2 kids as well; a girl age 5, and a boy age 3. The families have fit wonderfully except for one thing.

My sons retained their original rooms that they've had for the last 5-6 years now. Her children spend about 50% of the time at their fathers and they share a room at our home. Her youngest boy is a strong-willed child, and gets into all of his sisters stuff, so she has to do her best to keep it in away from him. She isn't able to set out her barbies and doll houses to play with because he will kick them, run them over with a toy truck, etc. In addition, the 5 yr old girl can't get dressed with her brother in the room.

My girlfriend is pushing for my two boys to share a room and put her kids in their own rooms (there is no way to divide rooms or expand what's already there). Her point is that her daughter being of the opposite sex from her brother, needs her own space. I agree with her wholeheartedly, except on the timing. She insists that it should be done now. I am trying to avoid putting the two teenage boys in the same room at our house until I have to. They are very different and share a room at their Mom's apartment. I believe in a couple of years when her daughter is 7 it will be unavoidable, and at that time, a change will have to be made.

She admittingly is thinking on a personal level and "looking out for her children." I am thinking on a logistical level and believe that putting two teenagers in a room together, while giving two toddlers their own space is absurd. If I put myself in their shoes, and my brother and I are squished together while a three year old is given his own room, I would come unglued. Also, if I were to think on a personal level, which I haven't, it really isn't fair that the two older boys share a room at both of the houses, while the two toddlers get their seperate space at both their Dad's house and ours.

Honest feedback needed please! We both love our children, and each others very much. Outside of this one issue, which is causing hurt feelings, our family is a big loving bunch!

The feedback has been very honest. Thank you. I am wondering if anyone would change their opinion and feedback if this was a brand new house to all of us? That is if the two older boys didn't have those rooms previously?

I ask because I have honestly tried to make sure that this is "our" house.

It wouldn't change my opinion, but if it was a brand new house to all of you you would have thrashed all that out before buying a property that you now feel is too small for the family, No?

I would add that I don't necessarily think that the teens should be allowed to necessarily keep "their" bedroom from before if it means that the 2 smallest are sharing a small room.

If that's the case I'd be asking one of the boys to volunteer to move to the smaller room with an incentive as although they need their own space, it needn't be huge for a teen as they don't really want to get their toys out and use the floor space in the same way that smaller children do.

If the two smaller children had a bigger room to share then you can zone it into his area and hers and the 3 year old needs disciplined to only enter the girls half if invited. It will be a good lesson for him. he could also keep is toy box in the living area and play their while just using his part of his room for sleeping.

There is no reason that can't continue for many years until the teens are living away from home.

If it was a brand new home for you all I would still prioritise the teens space.
They really do need privacy to do homework etc uninterrupted, school is so full on when they become teens that they need a bit of head space to chill as well. Also, it's so important for them to be able to have space with their friends at that age.

I really don't get why a 5 yr old girl can't dress in front of a 3 yr old boy. That's odd. Is the girlfriend citing that as a reason for not sharing? Pretty lame excuse if she is.

sorry for all the grammar errors in that - I was typing while cooking!

Agree the teenagers take priority.

Assuming 4 bedrooms (you & gf/ds1/ds2/gf's dc) & no spare rooms anywhere (loft conversion?):

Youngest kids should share biggest room. My two dds shared a room at a similar age whilst not wanting to or getting on particularly well, & we just put bunks down the middle - each child had 'their' side of the room. Dd1 had top bunk, so we put a couple of large IKEA bookcases along her side of the bunks, leaving a gap for the ladder. This created a partition so that she could pretend dd2 wasn't there . Obviously you need to think about lighting etc, but if you've got at least one decent size room it should be possible to create different partitioned areas.

You & gf then have next biggest room as presumably you're happy to share your space!

Ds1 & ds2 get smallest rooms.

Might mean everyone has to swap round if you've currently got the master bedroom & your boys the next two, leaving the little ones a small room, but I'm sure the boys would prefer that to sharing...

It wouldn't change my opinion - surely if you move then you get a house with enough bedrooms or the capacity to split a bedroom . If you moved to a like for like house and I was one of your boys I'd be really put out at having to share so that a 3 yr old could have his own room , it smacks to me of the new woman getting her own way and her children being more important - sorry .

No that wouldn't change my view (again I have teens as well as small dcs and the teens get priority here).

How big is your room? Would it be possible to split that one and you end up in the box room?

If you were to move the teens you also need to be aware that it could create real resentment towards the younger children. You need to tread softly. The younger dcs need to share if there's no other option.

My brother and I shared a room until I was 10 and he was 12. I then had a bed in my parents' room until we moved to a bigger house.

Don't see why the 5 & 3 year olds cannot share for a good few years yet.

Perhaps the answer is to sell the house and buy somewhere that works better for the blended family?

Who is in the biggest room? The children sharing should have the biggest room, and look at ways to divide it up. Perhaps look at low-level dividing gates , like a nursery would use, to separate the younger children's bedrooms- something like this

It would make no difference to me, the teens would have their own rooms. They will soon be entering the homework years and will need peace and quiet to knuckle down, after all, with a lively 3 year old they won't be able to do it at the dining table! Plus, puberty will bring its own experiences...I think privacy is key!!

A new house would not change my opinion, no. They are still 5 & 3 and teenagers. The issues remain the same.

If it were a new house to all of you I would still give the teens a room each.
They need it for all sorts of reasons that little ones don't. My two teens have a desk in their room and they spend much of their time in there whether doing school work or not.
You may have to put up with more clutter in the living areas but I'd remove all toys from the little one's bedroom and just use the bedroom for sleeping and clothes.
You really, really should not compromise on this.

Another who says the teens have priority.

It would make no difference to me if it was a new house to you all.

I do also think you need to think carefully about your girlfriend moving in lowing the standard of living for your DSs. She also needs to think if living with you now is lowing the standard of living for her DCs.

If this is long term, then perhaps the solution is to buy somewhere new with 5 bedrooms, or extend your current property to add another room (or do you have anything like a 2nd reception room you could make a bedroom for 5 year old, a dining room you could sacrifice for 5-6 years?).

Or possibly live separately until your boys have left home - many couples with large age gaps between their DCs do wait until the older have left home rather than try to blend 2 families with DCs at very different stages.

Did your DP have a house of her own before moving in with you? Is there money to play with possibly by renting that and your property out to rent a larger one together....

or alternatively to using a dining room as another bedroom, is there a space like that you can make the 'play room' and all of your DSCs toys go in there? If not, that might be a much cheaper one to extend and add, often adding a conservatory to make a playroom is cheaper than converting a loft to a bedroom or adding a bedroom over a garage etc so if the 3 year old only sleeps in the room, it becomes less of an issue.

If it were a new house then you would surely make sure there was enough space to suit everyone? Maybe that is the solution?

Does your DP maybe feel a bit like she is living in the shadow of your previous relationship if you are living in your ex-marital home? maybe she is trying to mark her territory a bit? I'm not saying that in a negative way but I could understand if she feels a bit like that.

*The oldest teen is in the largest bedroom, the two young ones are in the 2nd largest. My thought initially was to put the two young ones in the largest room, but she preferred to put them in the other bedroom because the largest room is the first room at the top of the stairs and the one they are in is farthest back from the stairs. She is worried about the young ones safety if there were to be an intruder (not likely, but hey, you never know).

*I can't stager my sons visitation arangement because their Mom works 3rd shift so our divorce arangement is very structured to accomodate this.

*We do have a den. I thought of converting this to a temporary bedroom just to make do. She is adamatly opposed to this idea. In all fairness, it would be a huge task to do so because the den has a large opening between it and the kitchen.

*In regards to selling the house, I'd love to. However, it's out in the country and needs some repair work. Also, I believe it's about 10k upside down. My ex-wife wanted to just let it go back to the bank instead of turning it over to me, but in an effort to preserve my credit, I insisted that if she didn't want it (too much work for a single woman to upkeep), that I'd take it.

The ultimate plan is to put the time and effort into the house over the next couple of years, then sell it. It'll take about a year to sell in this market, and out in the countryside, so that's down the road. Also, with the intent of selling it, that makes building onto it not really an option (investment/return).

BauerTime,

She did(does?) feel this way. It was an big adjustment for her to make the house "ours", but has told me those feelings are pretty much gone.

Maybe she still feels this way a bit? IDK.

4Kids1Dad - if you were in a new house, then I would still say the teens have priority and need their own space. I would also be speaking to your Fiance about reigning in her little boy's behaviour with regard to trashing his sister's toys. Tricky, I know, but if they are to share a room, she really needs to address this. Three is not too young to know that you respect other people's playthings and space.

Very best of luck with it all [imagined beer emoticon]

Well if you're planning on moving in a couple of years then they can easily share until then. Or the den gets converted.

It sounds like she's being quite demanding. Make sure your dcs don't get sidelined.

If you plan to sell in a few years then I'd just keep things as they are for now. The youngest don't need their own room, but the three year old does need to learn to respect his sister's things.

4kids1dad - no advice but just wanted to say that my 9 year old dd shares with her 4 year old brother. We have 2 spare rooms but they are adamant that they want to share.

I know it won't last forever but it's nice while it does.

If you put the little ones in the largest room, could you put a stair gate across the doorway?

Or swap in a year or so when stairs pose less of a risk?

OP, if you and your ex had had four children of these ages, do you think you'd have put the teens in together at this age?