Roomsharing -- Has to Happen!

[4kids1dad]

I need some unbiased help and opinion from parents who have struggled with forced roomsharing. To set the scene for you I've got 2 biological sons; age 12 and 13. Their Mom and I split about 2 years ago and they lived @ 60% of the time with me in my apartment and 40% of the time with her in the house that we shared. Last August their Mom moved from the house and I regained possession of it. I moved into the house in October with my girlfriend (now fiance). She has 2 kids as well; a girl age 5, and a boy age 3. The families have fit wonderfully except for one thing.

My sons retained their original rooms that they've had for the last 5-6 years now. Her children spend about 50% of the time at their fathers and they share a room at our home. Her youngest boy is a strong-willed child, and gets into all of his sisters stuff, so she has to do her best to keep it in away from him. She isn't able to set out her barbies and doll houses to play with because he will kick them, run them over with a toy truck, etc. In addition, the 5 yr old girl can't get dressed with her brother in the room.

My girlfriend is pushing for my two boys to share a room and put her kids in their own rooms (there is no way to divide rooms or expand what's already there). Her point is that her daughter being of the opposite sex from her brother, needs her own space. I agree with her wholeheartedly, except on the timing. She insists that it should be done now. I am trying to avoid putting the two teenage boys in the same room at our house until I have to. They are very different and share a room at their Mom's apartment. I believe in a couple of years when her daughter is 7 it will be unavoidable, and at that time, a change will have to be made.

She admittingly is thinking on a personal level and "looking out for her children." I am thinking on a logistical level and believe that putting two teenagers in a room together, while giving two toddlers their own space is absurd. If I put myself in their shoes, and my brother and I are squished together while a three year old is given his own room, I would come unglued. Also, if I were to think on a personal level, which I haven't, it really isn't fair that the two older boys share a room at both of the houses, while the two toddlers get their seperate space at both their Dad's house and ours.

Honest feedback needed please! We both love our children, and each others very much. Outside of this one issue, which is causing hurt feelings, our family is a big loving bunch!

I do think your GF's reasoning regarding the sex of her children, given their age, is odd. But could you set up a Japanese screen for the DD to put precious toys behind and dress behind if required?

Could the den be a divided playroom for the little ones and they just sleep in the room they share? How many other rooms do you have downstairs? Why does the older teen have a bigger room than you?

Or just take the 3 year old downstairs whilst she gets dressed or undressed?

Intruder thing- bonkers.

3 and 5 year olds not dressing in front of each other- bonkers.

Changing your boys rooms while this blended family thing is so new- bonkers.

Absolutely the older children have priority - and I would think carefully about your relationship - your GF sounds very controlling.

It must be very, very tough for your children - you and their mum split 'about' two years ago (in your words - that could be 18 months??) and now you have moved another woman and her children into their family home. . Don't make them have to give up their bedrooms.

age 5 and 3 should share.
Of course they can change in front of each other - they are 5 and 3!

My kids shred until they were ds 8 and dds aged 6 and 4. They even still shared a bath at times, and certainly weren't bothered by changing in front of each other.

Teens need their own space. In fact I would say that your 13 year old will probably be off to uni or college or training aged 18, at which point the 5 year old will be 10, and gets her own room.

The toy issue is about reconfiguring how you use the space, upstairs and down.

As a guideline, councils will count the number of children's bedrooms needed by children over 10, so a boy aged 9 and a younger girl? They share. Boy over 10 and younger girl? they need 2 rooms, (or vice verse with gender)

OP just out of interest are you in the UK ?

agree too - make the den a playroom for little ones, better anyway to have their play space in sight downstairs, that way they have 2 rooms between them, and teens have their own space to retreat to.

I do have sympathy with the toy thing, dd2 was awful with dd1's stuff, but we had to be firm, made it clear what was hers and what wasn't etc and you just put up with it if you don't have the space.

Agree with making the den a playroom.

OP you have that very rare thing on MN, a unanimous opinion. You should print this thread off and show it to your fiancée unless you are her.

Little ones will soon forget all about room sharing and annoying each other. Your teenage boys will not forget being pushed out of their rooms by the others. Even if they are nice and polite about it. They are approaching a very tricky age and need you on their side. If you can't do this for them you should wait a few years before you take on a second family.

If all else fails you and DP can sleep in the den.

Agree with everyone that teens need their own space. But nobody's said much about the boys' relationship with your GF. From their point of view, no sooner have you all moved in together, they have lost privileges in favour of her children and they are likely to resent her, and the younger children, because of it.

My XH had a similar situation when he was a child - he moved in with his mother full time because he felt so usurped at his father's place.

yep, turn den into play room, your DSC only sleep in their room, or at least the 5 year old can use it to set up toys she doesn't want to play with her brother.

If you are planning to move in a couple of years anyway, this is the best option.

But do look if it's working for your GF to live with you - not just for you and your GF, but for all 4 children. Yours will have probably moved out in 6 years time. 6 years isn't a long time in the grand scheme of things if your GF really is forever.

The den as playroom sounds ideal if it's beside the kitchen. My DC hardly played upstairs when they were that age. Most toys were downstairs.

The teens need the separate rooms and the 3 year old needs to start behaving! I agree with people above about making a playroom if you can.

If your partner has dismissed all other suggestions then I'd say that the 3yo will need to share with you and DP and you could stick a sofa bed in the den and sleep there when the children are there if you don't want to sleep in the same room