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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

14 yr old daughter PREGNANT!

60 replies

Mrsbapandbabies · 17/02/2015 20:38

Help! My 14 year old has told me that she is pregnant and is planning to keep it! I am so devastated for her and furious at her all at the same time. She can't move out as she'll only be 15 when its born so I'm going to have to have her here. There is nothing I can do and I feel like this is totally out of my control and I hate it. I'm too young to be a grandma!!! What do I do??

OP posts:

Oswin · 17/02/2015 20:41

You need to sit down with her and have a calm discussion about what her options are. Please put yourself in her shoes.
She must be terrified.

expatinscotland · 17/02/2015 20:42

Support her, I guess. Where is the father?

headlesslambrini · 17/02/2015 20:42

first thing first, has she done a test and confirmed it? If so, then Dr's appt and referral for teenage midwife, get her on folic acid etc as well. she may well change her mind once everything sinks in so be as supportive as possible now so she can talk to you about things later.

RJnomore · 17/02/2015 20:45

It's not what any of us would want in an ideal world but please remember that much worse things can happen.

What's she saying about it? Is she certain, has she had medical attention etc?

TheWindowDonkey · 17/02/2015 20:46

The very first thing you must do is let her know you are there for her whatever she decides. Let her know you are shocked but that you still love her and that together you will work out a way for her to cope.
Do you know details about the father? Is he as adamant as she that they keep the baby? once she knows you are fully in her side and trusts that youneed them to sit down wth you anf figure out HOW they will manage to pay to keeo a baby when your dd is going to be just 15. Listing all the expense and practicalities will be a good start in her path to understanding what she has ahead if her.

Sorry mrsbap, you must be reeling.

Jackieharris · 17/02/2015 20:52

Well at least she's told you and it didn't just pop out on the couch!

As other have said- get it confirmed, make an appointment with GP, find out how far along, ask about the dad.

There will probably be a specialist teenage pregnancy midwife or nurse she can see.

There may be a brief social work investigation depending on the wider circumstances.

Ask her if she's been drinking smoking or taking drugs.

Give her vitamin d and folic acid.

Talk to her in the most impartial way about the options of keeping the baby, having an abortion or adoption.

Tell her it's her decision but you will support her no matter what (even if this isn't how you are feeling).

Say you want to meet the boy.

Ask her what she intends to do about school and find out if there's a mother and baby school unit in your area.

AJNH · 17/02/2015 20:52

Be as supportive as possible. I became pregnant at 17 and kept the pregnancy. I now have a beautiful dd from that.

I remember when I found out I was pregnant, I was utterly terrified. I couldn't face a termination because in my young mind I thought it was basically murder. I didn't have anyone to sit down and talk to me about abortion, my mother was anti it and pro me keeping the pregnancy.

Make sure your dd knows all her options, although I wouldn't be without dd I do look back and wonder how my life could have been.

Good luck, to you both!

Original poster

Mrsbapandbabies · 17/02/2015 21:33

I know she must be terrified, as will her boyfriend. He's only 14 too. She says she's going to keep the baby and carry on with school. We do have a school girl mums PRU where we live so I guess she can go there. I've told her she can live here, she's still my daughter and nothing will change that. And that I still love her. I just wanted an easier life for her. I had her when I was 17 and everything was a struggle and hard work.

I suppose it's not the end of the world. She will have to rise to the challenge. I never imagined I'd be a grandma at 32...

OP posts:

rootypig · 17/02/2015 21:36

Mrsbap

Can you make an appointment with the GP to get the pregnancy confirmed, and ask for referral to pregnancy counselling service? Your DD does have choices and I think as your mum your job now is to help her explore them. Counselling will also help her to articulate her needs, balance her expectations, and plan for the future should she decide to continue with the pregnancy.

Original poster

Mrsbapandbabies · 17/02/2015 21:38

And Jackie, yes, thank goodness I didn't have to deliver it on the sofa! I'm very pleased she felt she could tell me and not conceal it. I'll get her antinatal vits tomorrow.

Do I call the midwife for her though? I feel like she should do it herself as she needs to take responsibility. Is that wrong?

OP posts:

Original poster

Mrsbapandbabies · 17/02/2015 21:42

Rootypig, she knows her options and won't seem to entertain anything other than keeping it. I'm not 100% sure it wasn't accidently on purpose. Ive told her also that as she's under 16 she will have no way of supporting a family financially and cannot receive benefits but I don't think that means much to her at the moment

OP posts:

amothersplaceisinthewrong · 17/02/2015 21:44

You sound as though you have a good relationship with her - in your shoes I would be asking my daughter to consider abortion or adoption.

But don't forget to consider yourself in all this - your life is going to have a big upheaval too. I understand your daughter wants to keep the baby but realistically, how is she going to manage that without you doing a large chunk of the childcare. How will she manage a baby financially at 14.

And yes, I think she should call the midwife. If she can't manage that, then how will she manage a baby.

claraschu · 17/02/2015 21:45

If she is early in the pregnancy, I would try to get her to talk about abortion, and maybe talk to a councillor or other neutral advisor about her options. Does she know that she can have a medical termination, not much different from the morning after pill, if it is early on? Does she know how tiny the foetus still is?

Forgive me if you have already been through all this with her, or if she is quite far along. It's just that my 14 year olds would sound completely determined about something, and then would be saying the opposite a few days later.

Mrsteddyruxpin · 17/02/2015 21:45

Just want to send you these such a shock for you. I admits I don't know what to advise but she sounds like a strong minded girl and I hope everything works out.

rootypig · 17/02/2015 21:47

but I don't think that means much to her at the moment

I suppose that's what I mean when I say your job is to help explore her options. Put less gently, that also means facing reality.

I would get along to the GP and see what services are on offer, don't get drawn into going round in circles at home. You must be terribly shocked and upset, but don't burn bridges. There hopefully will be support that as I say, will give her a better handle on reality, whichever way she goes.

fattymcfatfat · 17/02/2015 21:49

I was sixteen when I got preg with DS.
she needs to make the appointment to see midwife as it is her responsibility. and if she does go ahead with the pregnancy, support hee yes, do everything for her and baby because shes young? no. if she needs a break send her for a bath or a couple of hours kip, apart from that baby is her responsibility not yours and she needs ro realise this. tell her you will back her decision 100 percent but you will not rake on her responsibility if she goes ahead. shes old enough to make a baby and want to keep it then shes old enough to care for it.

sorry if that sounds harsh..really not meant to just how I would feel if my DD told me that

fattymcfatfat · 17/02/2015 21:51

as for financially I believe (could be wrong) that you will have to claim benefits for the baby until your DD is 16.

Allstoppedup · 17/02/2015 21:51

My cousin was the same age when she fell pregnant. She did keep it under wraps until she was 7.5 months though!! Understandably my aunty was shocked and devastated. As horrible as it is for you things will get better.

Your daughter must be terrified, I'm sure she is very aware of all she 'should' have done Pregnancy is so rough on your body sometimes she really does need your help and support, it really says a lot that she she has turned to you as starting that conversation must have been very scary!

My cousin has had support from my aunty since the beginning but I have to say she an excellent mum, has worked so hard and her daughter is absolutely beautiful. She has passed her driving test, held down a part time job, completed her GCSEs and now has another daughter with and lives with her long term partner and is in her 3rd year of university. She is a very happy, confident and all round great girl and in some ways this really has been the making of her. Her daughter had brought so much love, light and happiness to the whole family.

Of course it wasn't ideal timing and it has been a hard graft but it really can be a positive thing in the end.

Be kind to yourself too, sometimes these things happen. It's ok for you to feel sad/angry as long as you also make sure your DD knows that you are there for her going ahead.

rootypig · 17/02/2015 21:52

Good lord All, your cousin sounds formidable.

BitchPeas · 17/02/2015 21:53

How far gone is she? Has she tested, seen doctor etc?

Is there someone else who could speak to her as a neutral 3rd party who could discuss the pros and cons? Like a cousin/aunt/grandparent. I really think the education/financial/life experience/probable single parenthood issues should be laid out very firmly and clearly. She is only 14 so still a child, she probably can't see the bigger picture or consequences.

Its so tricky, sorry you're going through this. I had my DS at 18 and would be devastated if one of my children had a baby so young, as I know first hand how hard it is!

Ohfourfoxache · 17/02/2015 21:55

Mrs

Does she have any idea how far along she is?

Maidmarigold · 17/02/2015 21:55

At 14 I doubt she understands the reality of having a baby, or the financial implications, change in lifestyle etc. I agree with asking neutral person to go through this with her.

CurlyWurlyCake · 17/02/2015 21:56

You have had some great advice here. My 14 yr old would think she would want a baby but wouldn't understand everything that goes with it.

And it's not just having a baby, is it? It's having a toddler, pre schooler, infant, junior etc I can't imagine being responsible for such a big task when I was 14.

Allstoppedup · 17/02/2015 21:58

She has done amazing.

I told her story as I think it shows that some of the fears surrounding becoming a young teen mum aren't always applicable. I didn't mean it to come across smug/you should be thrilled etc!

Of course there's some great advice here from other posters re. making sure that she absolutely chooses the right decision for her and considers all her options. Particularly if your DD is in early pregnancy!

Want2bSupermum · 17/02/2015 21:59

[Flowers]

IMO if she has told you she wants to keep it then tell her she has to put a plan together and start executing it. I remember when I was 14 and there was no changing my mind by just talking to me. She is going to be a mother in less than 9 months from now so she has to start taking responsibility now.

First thing she needs to do is set up an appointment with a midwife/GP. She then needs to inform her school and also figure out a plan around how she will sit her GCSE's. If she is 14 now, can she sit any of them early (ie in the summer) before the baby arrives?

She and her BF also need to have a plan in place for how they are going to get a job/study for qualifications as soon as they are 16. He needs to be involved in this too as he is the father. If she starts to look nervous tell her that it is a huge responsibility to raise a child and there is nothing wrong with considering adoption or abortion. Share your experiences of raising her and the struggles you faced due to being a young mother.

If there is a job that her bf can take now he should do so he is contributing towards his child. It is important that both of them are involved in this. I hazard a guess that she thinks having a baby is all cute and cuddles. See if you can borrow a temperamental 3 year old.

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