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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

14 yr old daughter PREGNANT!

60 replies

Mrsbapandbabies · 17/02/2015 20:38

Help! My 14 year old has told me that she is pregnant and is planning to keep it! I am so devastated for her and furious at her all at the same time. She can't move out as she'll only be 15 when its born so I'm going to have to have her here. There is nothing I can do and I feel like this is totally out of my control and I hate it. I'm too young to be a grandma!!! What do I do??

OP posts:

rootypig · 17/02/2015 22:00

Oh no All it didn't come across that way at all. Just a remarkable young woman.

I wonder if she would choose it for her own girls though.....

CheerfulYank · 17/02/2015 22:00

Oh my gosh, you're my age. I'm pregnant with my third, I can't imagine being a grandmother.

It's lovely she feels she can confide in you. I know at 14 I'd have insisted on keeping it too. Good luck. What a shock.

Sleepyhoglet · 17/02/2015 22:01

Support her so that she feels confident to make the best decision. Although you should prob keep this from her, to prevent influencing her, what would you like her to?

ScrambledEggAndToast · 17/02/2015 22:02

I'm so sorry that's happened to you/her. You must be feeling with the shock. If she is determined to keep it then there should be a midwife for young mothers. However, it may be an idea for her to speak to some young mums if there is any chance of that. She needs to understand what a massive life changing thing it is. I was 19 when I had my son and still feel I was too young. I would be happy for her to PM me and I would put her straight about the realities of young parenthood.

Want2bSupermum · 17/02/2015 22:03

Hope to get those flowers right because OP you deserve them! Bless you. Must be a huge shock.

One thing to remember though is that in the list of things that can go wrong this is really not that bad. Top of my list is drug addiction and mental illness. I don't know what I would do.

fattymcfatfat · 17/02/2015 22:06

you can borrow my DD if you want...14 months so still little but jesus is she a terror! actually did this to my cousin who wanted a baby at 15, lent her my DS who was about three months at the time, she soon changed her mind!. (her dad was supervising very very closely )

ProfessorPickles · 17/02/2015 22:06

As someone who was a teenage parent I think the main thing to do is respect your daughter. She may be young but this baby could be the making of her and the making of your family. My life started the day I found out I was pregnant and my entire family are close now DS is here, it has been wonderful.

My parents were gutted when I told them I was pregnant and wanted me to have an abortion but I refused. The idea of having a grand child grew on them gradually and they wouldn't change it for the world now they adore him
I think something that was an eye opener for them was when I was around 6 months pregnant we went to a charity night to raise money in memory of a girl who had sadly died from a brain tumour. The girl was the same age as me at the time and I think it really put things into perspective for them and they realised what a blessing it was to be having a grand child.

I wish the best for you, your daughter and your family whatever happens!

ScrambledEggAndToast · 17/02/2015 22:07

Also, as other posters have said then if she is going to keep the baby then she needs to realise that it's her responsibility. Otherwise, seeing as you're only 32, you will no doubt end up doing nearly everything which isn't fair.

BIWI · 17/02/2015 22:07

She can't move out as she'll only be 15 when its born so I'm going to have to have her here

So in other words, you would have considered throwing her out?

Allstoppedup · 17/02/2015 22:08

rooty.

I don't think she would at all. It's not a nice situation for anyone initially. Having a baby isn't easy whatever the age without all of the additional complications that come along with being very young. As hard as my cousin has worked, she has also been lucky to have support. Although they didn't continue the relationship, her DDs father is still very responsible and involved and the grandparents on both sides have helped them. (They naturally fell in love as soon as the baby arrived and they got over the initial shock!)

Each case is different, OP, you sound like you have the right idea as her taking responsibility is so important. Good luck and I do hope your DD is ok.

sosix · 17/02/2015 22:10

When I read the title, I just screamed nooooo in my head, so god only knows how you felt op.

Loads of good advice on here. One thing i would make clear is to dd is that she and bf will be bringing up baby not you. Sorry if im projecting, i have 13 year old and have thought about this. Good luck.

shitebag · 17/02/2015 22:11

My initial thoughts exactly BIWI...

rootypig · 17/02/2015 22:12

Having a baby isn't easy whatever the age without all of the additional complications that come along with being very young. As hard as my cousin has worked, she has also been lucky to have support.

That's so interesting. I had DD at 29 and it's been a pretty lonely struggle. No help to speak of. Age isn't everything.

PlentyOfPubeGardens · 17/02/2015 22:13

sosix · 17/02/2015 22:13

She can't move out as she'll only be 15 when its born so I'm going to have to have her here

So in other words, you would have considered throwing her out?

Im sure op didn't mean it like that. Last think op needs now is a hammering.

GratefulHead · 17/02/2015 22:14

I didn't read it like that, when the OP said her DD would only be 15 so would have to be at home i think she was looking at the reality of it. Her DD won't be able to get her own place etc yet so will be at home with all the extra stress that might bring.

rootypig · 17/02/2015 22:16

So in other words, you would have considered throwing her out?

I think that's an unkind way to put it BIWI. If I were living at home at say 18, or 20, or 25, as is pretty common these days, and I got pregnant and decided to keep the baby, my parents would no doubt expect me to move out and make a home for my child as part of my commitment to parenting. It's not about being "thrown out". I read it as OP saying, if her DD were a few years older, she would/could make a home with her BF. But that is (legally?) not possible.

Regardless, since OP is here for support for her, not her DD, perhaps she can say all the things that most of us would think faced with such a situation, eh.

DavidTennantsBeard · 17/02/2015 22:18

Blimey OP. I can't imagine how you feel ( I have a 15 yo DS)

Thank her for telling you. Tell her you love her. Then, start to explore what to do.

There is no going back either way, but make sure she realises that if she keeps the baby then that's an end to her adolescence. There's not going to be carefree nights of partying once she has to put the baby first. It's hard enough as a twenty or thirty something let alone a teen.

Gen35 · 17/02/2015 22:23

can she talk to other teen parents soon before making a final decision? A close family member had a baby at 15 and found it very hard - and ultimately ended up not being able to cope. I don't want to be a pessimist but a properly informed choice is a good idea.

YouAreMyRain · 17/02/2015 22:23

I know this seems terrible now, but my cousin had a baby at 15, then another at 17. Thirty years later, she is still happily with the father of her children, she got professional qualifications when her kids were young, has had a great career and everything worked out well for her. My family were all at the time but it's all ok and now

expatinscotland · 17/02/2015 22:34

It's not ideal, but it's far from the worst thing that can happen.

Allstoppedup · 17/02/2015 22:35

Of course rooty, I absolutely agree, circumstances mean everything and age is essentially just a number.

By additional difficulties I meant things like the stigma from peers, (the rumour mill in high schools can be awful at the best of times), balancing simple things like completing basic education and seeing friends being 'typical' teenagers but being unable to do the same. It can be very isolating.

That said, I guess there are a heap of different issues/judgements when you are older and a new mum that don't apply to teens and it can be just as isolating for other reasons!

I've certainly found it one of the hardest things I've ever done!

rootypig · 17/02/2015 22:38

Oh I do think being a teen parent must be so hard. Just musing on how it all works out. My own parents had my older sister in their first year at uni, an unintended pregnancy - managed to finish their degrees, but I doubt it was easy.

Original poster

Mrsbapandbabies · 17/02/2015 22:46

I believe she's very early and therefore could choose any path. My sister has had a chat with her and has offered support and love in whatever she chooses but we're a bit thin on the 'neutral' ground!

When I got pregnant at 16, I was sat down and given the talk but no one could make me understand how it would be. It can't be explained. She'll just have to learn the hard way, and that is what makes me sad.

I'll get her to call the midwife herself, she has to do that herself. I Agree that there is a difference between being supportive and doing it for her. No one did it for me and I learned that I had to do it myself. She won't understand that though, not until she experiences it.

Thanks for all the advice x

OP posts:

Ohfourfoxache · 17/02/2015 22:50

Unfortunately she has to learn to do it for herself. And starting off with something simple like a phone call is an excellent place to begin.

How are you doing yourself?

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