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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

House party with alcohol at 13?

76 replies

Duracell66 · 03/02/2015 21:01

My daughter wants to go to a girls house for a party. Only trouble is this girl had a party last month, they are all 13-14 years old. The girls mum asked they all bring their own drink but at the last party that my daughter did not go to, they were all drinking and being taken advantage of by the boys! I only know because I saw the pictures and chat on my daughters phone the day after. Now she has been invited, we do not want her to go, but she is kicking off because she claims her friends are going and she promises not to drink! What do I do?

OP posts:

Sarax82 · 04/02/2015 03:58

I'd deffo say no due firstly to the fact if there being boys there, drunk teens don't make for a good ending. Although when I was around 13/14 I had a couple of slumber parties at a friends house and they'd be 4 or 5 girls sleeping over, no boys! and her mother would always be there and we'd all take some alcohol, parents knew, my mom would buy some for me, not spirits, we all just have couple cans of beer or some hooch that was the teen drink back then and we'd scoff crisps and rent couple horror films out to watch and just have a laugh. Wouldn't get stupidly drunk or anything,but guess our parents thought it was safer to let us experiment with some booze and have a giggle with them knowing and in a house where we were safe, rather than sneaking around hanging out in park drinking god knows what alcohol and where boys or more likely creepy men would be hanging about. I'd say no to the type of party your daughter wants to go too though cuz sounds totally different

Canyouforgiveher · 04/02/2015 12:23

Yup. And where one of my friends lives, she would be imprisoned for an extramarital affair.

You are seriously equating making adultery a crime with prosecuting adults who give alcohol to a 13 year old child? I suppose it takes all types.

Bunbaker · 04/02/2015 12:26

Canyou I suspect that rootypig's friend lives in the Middle East - somewhere where adultery is viewed completely differently.

frostyfingers · 04/02/2015 12:35

Although I don't have daughters, I'd feel the same if it were any of my sons at that age. 13 is way too young to be consuming alcohol in a party environment - my boys were occasionally allowed lager/wine with a family meal but nothing more.

It was bad enough at their 18th - we had a party at home for them and spent the whole time trying to make sure they didn't overdo it too much. Herding drunk 18 yo boys is a nightmare (we lost one completely when he took himself off into the village, I was running around with a torch trying to find him!).

snowflakesandsparkles · 04/02/2015 16:19

they were all drinking and being taken advantage of by the boys
you know exactly what went on the last time and can guarantee that it will happen again, yet you still question whether or not you should let her go? Be the adult and for the love of god (and your daughter),say no. As others have said, parties with alcohol are fine for 16+ but not for 13 year olds who are JUST teenagers.

Hulababy · 04/02/2015 20:43

'Getting themselves into situations'

Well yes - getting drink, being ill, making bad choices, ending up in hospital, not be on aware of their surroundings, potentially deciding to leave the party and head home alone, - lots of potentially inappropriate and u desire able situations that could arise from a 13 year old drinking at an unsupervised party.

But I stand my earlier decision - dd would be told no.

rootypig · 04/02/2015 21:21

Canyou I think the prospect of imprisoning parents for hosting a party for teenagers at which there is booze is absurd, yes, and would put a good proportion of this country on the wrong side of the law.

Travelledtheworld · 04/02/2015 23:16

rootypig you may find this hard to believe but in many states in the USA buying alcohol for under 21's is illegal and parents who host this type of party can be punished with a jail sentence.

Children could end up in the care of Social Services.

nooka · 05/02/2015 01:43

I'm all for giving my teenagers freedom, but I'd say no to this (even for 14 yr old dd or 15 yr old ds) as it seems pretty clear that there is likely to be very little supervision and things could quite easily go badly wrong. If that meant that either child wasn't fully in with the gang then so be it.

As it happens neither of my two are into parties so it's not been an issue. I have no problem with them drinking in moderation when there are adults we know and trust around, but this situation is quite different.

catwithflowers · 05/02/2015 02:18

My son is 13. He plays on a football team, goes to training, skateboards and plays xbox. He is a child. Birthday parties are still a day at the local pool followed by pizza, film and a sleepover. I am pretty shocked at anyone thinking booze, drugs and sex are normal for 13 year olds

As for a parent knowingly allowing alcohol at a 13 year old's party, I am just gobsmacked!!

Canyouforgiveher · 05/02/2015 03:59

Yes in the US adults who give alcohol to 13 year olds would be prosecuted. Not sure they would serve a prison sentence but they would definitely be charged with an offence if caught.

I have 13 year old (and 2 older teens) and live in the USA and if one of my daughter's friend's parents gave her alcohol at a party, I would certainly cosider calling the police. The only reason I wouldn't is that I would presume the adult in question was having a breakdown of some sort. There isn't a parent I know who would feel differently.

Some people think 13 is old enough to drink alcohol at parties and that is the legal equivalent of a grown woman having consensual sex. I don't.

The 21 age limit for drinking is imo too high in the US. But the OP is talking about a 13 year old, not a 16 or 17 year old. There is hell of a long way from 21 to 13 - for me and most of the parents I know. Clearly not for everyone.

rootypig · 05/02/2015 04:31

Travelled you would hope not, since I am a parent who lives in the US.

Just because something is the law, doesn't make it not daft. And as someone who saw a kid of about 14 have a drug induced seizure at a legal 'rave' in the Bay area a few years back (where ludicrously all the kids were high as kites, but the beer was policed like plastic explosives), I would say that enforcing very stringent rules about alcohol can also have serious consequences.

Lweji · 05/02/2015 07:49

I live in a very alcohol permissive country. It's much less regulated and enforced than in the UK, but... nobody in their right mind would serve alcohol in a party with 13 year olds, and I'd be furious to find out that a party my ds had attended had served alcohol freely. And most parents I know would be mad too.

Fleurdelise · 05/02/2015 08:03

My DS is 13 and I would not allow him to go to a party where I know there is going to be alcohol. He is still a child, he is going to parties from time to time but I know that there are always parents present in the house and the parents would not allow alcohol. Not sure what age I would be happy with it but 13 is definitely too early.

rootypig · 05/02/2015 08:27

None of the parties I went to had parents serving alcohol
Visions of some sort of full service bar, with them skivvying!

We just bought our own - what were they called - something like Smirnoff Ice. Supervising parent - and this was in a very naice neighbourhood - usually upstairs in a bedroom with the door closed. Look of course it's not ideal for 13 year olds to get shitfaced. But banning things full force and excluding your child from their friendship group in the teen years is not, imo, the way to go. You think you can stop your kids getting drunk and groping each other? good luck. I'd rather it was in someone's house than a park somewhere.

I'm overstating my case. I don't think it should just be carte blanche. I just think everyone thinking that the answer is to say no, and keep saying no until they're 16 (!) is naive. You need to find a middle ground and set up a dialogue with your child. No, they don't call the shots. But the teen years and emergence into adulthood are surely a lot more complicated than is being made out here. And if your home is somewhere where things can't be discussed (credit to you OP, that's obviously not the case) then they will just lie. And you will have no fucking clue what is going through their head.

Lweji · 05/02/2015 08:30

TBH, I don't think it would occur to any of us to "ban" alcohol, because I doubt the kids at 13 would really be asking for it.
I agree that bans are not healthy. Much better to teach and show a healthy relationship with alcohol.
But I wouldn't allow little groups of 13 year olds to lock themselves in a room in a party I was supervising either.

cathyandclaire · 05/02/2015 10:56

There are always a few who are 'ahead' of the rest. Smuggling in alcohol (probably filched from parents drinks cabinet) in bottles of 7up.

At DD2's 13th we actually had a "bouncer" because there were some issues with 2 boys at a previous party and they all thought the concept of some hard man at the door was brilliant. They bizarrely still played party games. It's a time of change.

Since then, over the years I have noticed a gradual evolution to no bouncer, the odd bit of smuggled booze and eventually (16/17) providing a small amount of low strength alcohol per person (Smirnoff ice, some sort of weak punch, glass of cava) with the instruction for the teens not to smuggle stuff. Now they all seem to do hideous 'prinking' at eighteenths. DD2 often drives so sticks to Diet coke!

I hope that the gradual learning process will stop the situation we have seen with some children kept on a very tight leash, where they go to uni and go totally bonkers.

Only time will tell!

cathyandclaire · 05/02/2015 10:56

parents'

specialsubject · 06/02/2015 13:48

just because the other parents are useless doesn't mean you have to descend to their level.

listen to SallySparrow too.

seonaid99 · 08/02/2015 16:30

This reply has been deleted

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couldhavebeenrachel · 09/02/2015 18:43

I know everyone likes to wheel out their anecdotes about those forbidden to drink or have sex at a young age go off the rails when they get to Uni. but there's no evidence for that. Children learn their attitudes towards alcohol from their parents, and a child who grows up in a house where parents don't drink and don't allow their child to drink, is less likely to drink excessively.

I recently heard these sorts of parties occur at my DDs school, in Year 10. I'm sad to read some parents are endorsing it in Year 9. It won't be long until the age gets lower and lower. Parents are too invested in making their children popular and ensuring they fit in with their peers, which always seems to mean letting them do whatever the most 'mature' are doing.

I think it's sad the message we're giving young teens is the only way they can enjoy their birthday is to drink alcohol.

ephpa95 · 11/02/2015 14:40

No way.

Dimplesandall · 11/02/2015 14:41

God NO!!!

Claybury · 11/02/2015 15:38

Reading this thread it is clear that 13 year olds vary enormously in maturity and how they socialise. If you have a 13 year old who is still 'young ' or not into partying / drinking it is hard to imagine that for some it is what they do. This is rarely IME down to parenting. More likely to be down to their peer group, school, where you live, and their personality. So if your child does not behave like this please don't be smug !
I live in a city. DS started going 'out ' to parties at this age. I often wondered who was hosting ( if you can call it that ) these house parties. We live in a good area where the children work hard at school but also party hard - there is drinking and smoking and drugs everywhere . I could not realistically have stopped DS from going out, he would have lied anyway, or just not come home from school on a Friday , but I imposed curfews and tried to keep in touch by text. Certainly there were never parties at my house as I would have felt a weight of responsibility that clearly other parents don't worry about. Honestly we never knew where he was. One tie. We totally forbid a sleepover he just stayed out anyway.
You may like to think you can just forbid your DC from going to parties but it isn't necessarily that easy, depending on the child.

noddyholder · 11/02/2015 15:39

No Never

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