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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

House party with alcohol at 13?

76 replies

Duracell66 · 03/02/2015 21:01

My daughter wants to go to a girls house for a party. Only trouble is this girl had a party last month, they are all 13-14 years old. The girls mum asked they all bring their own drink but at the last party that my daughter did not go to, they were all drinking and being taken advantage of by the boys! I only know because I saw the pictures and chat on my daughters phone the day after. Now she has been invited, we do not want her to go, but she is kicking off because she claims her friends are going and she promises not to drink! What do I do?

OP posts:

perfectlybroken · 03/02/2015 21:35

I went to these sort of parties at that age. Please say no and protect her from things she is to young to deal with.

sallysparrow157 · 03/02/2015 21:35

I looks after a 13 year old on intensive care a while ago. She had drunk so much in a house party (with adults in the house but a different room) that she ended up unconscious on a ventilator.
I looked after another 13 year old a couple of years ago who had been drinking with mates. The friends crapped themselves when they realised how drunk their mate was and left her semi conscious in someone's garden in the rain, she was significantly hypothermic when found and anything could have happened to her in the several hours between leaving school and the people who's garden she was found in, she remembers nothing between being in her mate's bedroom and waking up the next morning in a hospital bed

(And for those of you who worry about confidentiality, these two stories are actually slight mish-mashes of a handful of intoxicated 13 year olds I've looked after over the past few years, there have been a few and the above is quite mild compared to some)

There is a reason that drinking outside the home at 13 is illegal, it is to protect vulnerable children and a teenager who is not used to drinking in a situation where there is copious drink, other teenagers and no adults is an incredibly vulnerable child

Aretepetite · 03/02/2015 21:38

NO - Just No.

Good luck op.

It's bloody sad that you are up against that with your DD !

HowCanIMissYouIfYouWontGoAway · 03/02/2015 21:38

I wouldn't give a shiny shit how cross my 13 yr old child was. No way would I be waving them off happily with a bottle of white lightening in their bag.

Can I go to a byob party mum?
no no and can I get a hell no.

rootypig · 03/02/2015 21:39

Another one who went to those parties at this age. If they're semi supervised, they're generally fine. It's not just about being cross, it's about being effectively removed from your peers' social life. My parents did that later on (house parties with a parent present were fine, but bars and clubs were off limits until I was 18 - but all my friends were going at 16) and it was crushing.

Will this girl's mother be there? do you know her much?

TranmereRover · 03/02/2015 21:41

If it helps, she's almost certainly wrong about all her friends being allowed to go

SweetsForMySweet · 03/02/2015 21:43

No way, wouldn't matter if it was my son or daughter

Sark · 03/02/2015 21:45

I agree TranmereRover plus especially so if more and more parents say no because everyone is doing so!

Rivercam · 03/02/2015 21:47

"They were all drinking and being taken advantage of by the boys"

If you want your dd to,go to this type of party, then fine, but I would say NO.

NorbertDentressangle · 03/02/2015 21:50

Hell, no.

Haffdonga · 03/02/2015 21:57

Agree with everyone - No Way. BUT...

You need to be cleverer than just saying no. This time your dd was open and told you what went on at the last party. You're lucky thaT she's being honest with you. If you're too inflexible you run the risk that next time she wont tell you about the drinking or lie about the boys there.

She hasn't given you any reason not to trust her so I would talk to her about trust. Provide her with non alcoholic drinks to take and let her go for a short length of time (leaving before anyone has time to get too drunk) and then collect her from the front door.

LynetteScavo · 03/02/2015 22:05

Well if you want your DD to get drunk and be taken advantage of, let her go, if not, don't.

I try not to actually say no....things often seem to work themselves out, like parties being cancelled, someone else organising a better offer, but sometimes you just have to say no.

Vijac · 03/02/2015 22:49

I do see everyone else's point but i still think that there can be some advantage to being given some remit to make your own choices and mistakes whilst young and under closer supervision. Presumably this party is at a friend you knows house, and all those going all teenagers they know. And there will be a parent nearby? Asides from alcohol, some teenagers grow up younger than others too and will be wanting to kiss boys and have boyfriends. I don't think that is wrong. It is just early experimentation. I have a lot of friends who got drunk at parties in their teens occasionally and they are all very sensible now. It was some of the ones who weren't allowed out, who then went off the rails with drugs, older boyfriends etc at uni.

girlgamergoesbad · 03/02/2015 22:53

Went to a house party with alcohol when I was 13 and nearly lost my virginity, so I'd be wary. However, kids will get up to stuff if they want to do it, in these situations all you can do is make sure that they know risks and dangers and advise them.

rootypig · 03/02/2015 22:58

Totally agree Vijac. I also think young people vary enormously at 13. Maybe you could have a conversation with your daughter about what she feels comfortable with, and why. I watched my aunt parent my teenage cousin in this way, letting him lead somewhat. In many cases, he chose to hang back. When he didn't, she trusted him. But it was a discussion between them that taught him to make decisions for himself.

cathyandclaire · 03/02/2015 23:09

My Dds went to parties at around that age, or certainly by 14/15. I gave them some 'ground rules' and then trusted them, so long as an adult was around. So far ( 4 years later) there have been no disasters
They were quite young and not very forward and have learned in many ways from watching other 's drunken mistakes. Often they just said the parties were boring!
From what I heard the boys were in general later to mature (happy to sit in the corner and talk about football) and the girls were more likely to take advantage of them than vice versa.

MomOfTwoGirls2 · 03/02/2015 23:13

13!!! No way what so ever.
With that description, I think even at 16/17 still no way what so ever...

YoullLikeItNotaLot · 03/02/2015 23:17

Vijac I also went to these kind of parties at this age. I was fairly sensible and didn't drink or fumble, but lots of others there did. My parents let me go but I don't think they knew booze was present (or at least how much booze), but you're right, other children lied to their parents.

Im pretty sure I'd say no to my kids (Eeek 2 years ago) but agree with what you're saying. I'm hoping that as my kids have had a more sheltered life that this won't even be on their radar. God I'm naive.

Behooven · 03/02/2015 23:18

Insinuation about nasty slimy boys "taking advantage"
Daft girlies "getting themselves in situations"

Shite, 13 or 14, boy or girl, answer is no.

ihave2naughtydogs · 03/02/2015 23:27

No way would I let my 13 year old DD go. And I would consider reporting a adult who thought it was ok to allow young teens to drink in their house.

xvxvxvxvxvxvxvxv · 03/02/2015 23:49

No.
No no no no no no.
Me and my friends were drinking at this age. Loads of my friends were selling drugs and having sex at this age.
But no you are the mother not a friend. Your daughter has friends. She has friends telling her this is ok. She only has one mother so you need to be a mother and tell her no and tell her why you say no. Even if she sneaks off with her friends and goes anyway she needs her mother to be a voice of reason.

xvxvxvxvxvxvxvxv · 03/02/2015 23:51

And the reason my friends were behaving like this is because their mothers weren't around.

Coyoacan · 04/02/2015 02:43

I accidentally allowed my dd to go to a party when there was drink, drugs and no adult supervision at the age of 13 and she did not enjoy it at all.

What I had done though is explain to her how alcohol lowers your inhibitions and that getting pregnant at 13 was definitely not something she would want to experience.

Canyouforgiveher · 04/02/2015 03:16

Where I live the parents would be arrested, charged and convicted for hosting this party.

rootypig · 04/02/2015 03:22

Yup. And where one of my friends lives, she would be imprisoned for an extramarital affair.

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