Do you feel used by your teenager?

[CostaRicanBananas]

Yesterday was DS' 16th birthday. He was supposed to be having a party this weekend but his mock results arrived and they were disastrous - after all the nagging and the promises / claims that he was revising SO hard! Party called off, we were supposed take him out for dinner last night. First we went to the sixth form open evening at his school, and seeing that we could agree on one of his A level preferences, I took it as an opportunity for us (him in particular) to get a better feel for it. Without even reading or considering what he was being told, he came out with a "Yep, I definitely want to do it.". We were on the way to the restaurant and trying to discuss it, but he was up in arms and being incredibly rude to the boot. So when he said "we might as well not bother with the meal", I put my foot down that we weren't treating him. He was already being rude when we arrived at the school and it just got worse as we moved on to the A level subject.

Up to that point, he had had presents, treat breakfast, lifts everywhere etc but I will not tolerate being spoken to in the way that he did. I don't get it. As a single parent, I've moved mountains for him, including moving counties in order for him to attend his current school. It's a huge opportunity but he's throwing it all away as he simply cannot be bothered to do any work. And that applies to everything: his room, his clothes, his appearance etc. He's nice as pie if he wants something but otherwise, he's makes it sound as though he's doing us a favour - such as last night. It wasn't about us being nice to him and him being treated when actually, he's not exactly deserving of treats at the moment - far from it! No, it was like he was doing us a favour?!

It's breaking my heart. I always saw us as a close unit and I always envisaged that I would be there to support and guide him. Instead, he doesn't do what is expected of him and he treats me with contempt!

I do sympathise though, my DD is a lazy so and so, doesn't lift a finger, so gets no money, so can't go out, so stays in and doesn't lift a finger.....give him his meal back though, will you?

It is really frustrating I know. My DS is really bright, fab CAT scores, in the national gifted and talented scheme, blah blah. It counted for nothing because he was bone idle. And that was doubly galling because DH and I work really hard, run our own business, volunteer, do our best for our four kids etc. We are also escapers, we have a much more comfortable life than others in our family because we worked hard at school, and we know what it's like not to be comfortable.

But your DS has to want it for himself, and chances are he really will once he's grown up a bit.

(Mine jokes that he's much less burnt out with studying than lots of his mates, try to look on the bright side).

Costa, what good points does he have?

It does sound to me Op that your DS is not the child you would have liked to have and you are in danger of him knowing that.

You say my mum's love was always conditional whereas I genuinely believed that my decision was well justified You haven't said anything lovely about your boy, you appear to judge him entirely on his performance in either tests or chores.

Most of what you say is normal teenage stuff. I don't get this do their own laundry thing, only seen on MN. I round it up and do it. More important things in life than making him iron I never iron.

A birthday celebration is about love. About celebrating the day they were born and should never be about reward or punishment.

Kids should help out, Pea. I've always been a single mum so I've had 15 years of cooking for him/doing his laundry etc. It's not too much to ask for him to help and it prepares them for adult life (and teaches about teamwork). I do have a teenager who would rarely eat or drink unless I nudged him. I do think the OP is being rather controlling here and punishing him wrongly though but there's a way back from this.

I think things would work better if you are on the same side as your ds and not constantly confronting him and trying to control him. A collaborative approach is more likely to work or allowing him space to reflect and draw his own conclusions and find his own approach. your current approach suggests that you don't trust or value him which is only going to make things worse.
There are things that matter more than school exam results and feeling supported by your mother is one of them imo.

Try a different tack OP and I think your lovely son will surprise you.

You do sound very upset and angry OP, and I wonder if you're over involved?

I know he's your DS and you're a single mum who has made sacrifices for him, but he's another human being, and you do need to sleep back and let him fall if that's what he's going to do.

I think you need to forget everything that's annoying you at this moment and ask yourself the question- "do you want a relationship with him when he's old enough to walk out and not come back?" Because one day, and soon, he'll be able to do that, and whether you're in his life will be up to him, not you..

Step back and ask a male teacher he likes to mentor him, you're not getting a result you want and to continue harping on and punishing him won't get the result in the future- it's madness to think it will...

Time to step back and get help.

He is 16. Did he ask for balloons and cakes and gift wrapped presents ?
Sorry but from your post I think you are Over Parenting and you will find it a shock as he wants to become independent and live his life as he pleases.