Do you feel used by your teenager?

[CostaRicanBananas]

Yesterday was DS' 16th birthday. He was supposed to be having a party this weekend but his mock results arrived and they were disastrous - after all the nagging and the promises / claims that he was revising SO hard! Party called off, we were supposed take him out for dinner last night. First we went to the sixth form open evening at his school, and seeing that we could agree on one of his A level preferences, I took it as an opportunity for us (him in particular) to get a better feel for it. Without even reading or considering what he was being told, he came out with a "Yep, I definitely want to do it.". We were on the way to the restaurant and trying to discuss it, but he was up in arms and being incredibly rude to the boot. So when he said "we might as well not bother with the meal", I put my foot down that we weren't treating him. He was already being rude when we arrived at the school and it just got worse as we moved on to the A level subject.

Up to that point, he had had presents, treat breakfast, lifts everywhere etc but I will not tolerate being spoken to in the way that he did. I don't get it. As a single parent, I've moved mountains for him, including moving counties in order for him to attend his current school. It's a huge opportunity but he's throwing it all away as he simply cannot be bothered to do any work. And that applies to everything: his room, his clothes, his appearance etc. He's nice as pie if he wants something but otherwise, he's makes it sound as though he's doing us a favour - such as last night. It wasn't about us being nice to him and him being treated when actually, he's not exactly deserving of treats at the moment - far from it! No, it was like he was doing us a favour?!

It's breaking my heart. I always saw us as a close unit and I always envisaged that I would be there to support and guide him. Instead, he doesn't do what is expected of him and he treats me with contempt!

Mocks are designed to find out what areas a student needs to focus on in preparation for the GCSE's, they are not a be all and end all and not designed for a student to get a fantastic grade. He probably feels like crap and has the teachers moaning at him too. Home needs to be a place where he feels secure and where he feels like you're on his side. He was probably really worried about them before, so came across as not bothered.

Celebrate his birthday, he's only 16 once, and after sit down and look at his papers with him to see what areas he needs to focus on. You reward him for doing the best that he can not discipline him for not doing well enough.

Ah man you never ever use birthdays as punishment poor little bugger.

They're mocks.. he's had a taster for the real thing and you stamp all over his head and cancel a milestone birthday.

You'll not see how out of order you were though.

It is understandable that you are disappointed in his mock results. I'm sure most parents would be... But it was his birthday, you should have discussed the mocks and A levels on a different day.

As someone else said, he was probably acting up becasue he felt completely awful about his results and he knows he'll always remember his 16th as being rather shit!

Be careful, I had a 'lazy' teen now , he got his grades and went to university but he's hated it, is depressed and probably unlikely to get a degree .The whole thing is a nightmare , I would look deeper for the cause and stop treating the symptoms .

Incidently surely the punishment for not working hard is failing his exams , They are not your exams , they are his.

He doesn't see it as a punishment that his results were poor. This is NOT about the actual results, it's about him not learning that he's got to work for things in life. Hence the examples about the school trip etc. I put down a small deposit which is refundable, as I was so pleased for him. This applies to everything - he'll throw leftover food inside his wardrobe if it saves him having to put it in the bin for goodness sake.

I stopped ironing his clothes as he couldn't be bothered to hang them up. It was either following to his room and watching him do it or finding them on the floor, in the washing basket, anywhere but his wardrobe - treating him like a 5 year old along the way. So I decided that I simply wouldn't do it anymore. How did we get to this?

I CAN see that I should not have linked birthday and results but it was a combination of factors, and the results were really the last straw. If he can't be bothered to lift a pen and write, if he can't be bothered to do the two chores that he's expected to do at home, then why am I expected to put myself out to spend money and put work / effort into a party for him? I've given him my very 100% but I would have felt like a complete idiot, to be honest - look at idiotic mum, I do what I want, when I want and guess what? I still get treated to a party. Life is great.

I hear parenting teenagers can be fairly unrewarding some of the time. Give it 10 years.

And the discussion about A level choices only started because we had just attended the opening evening. Plus the completed form needs to be in pretty soon, and what I really wanted was for him to explain what he had based his decision on so that I could understand it. The whole argument is over a subject that is very similar to a GCSE that he hasn't particularly enjoyed or done well so I am of course wondering whether he truly grasps what the A level is all about.

I feel like I am no more than a cash machine, somebody to sponsor his social life - he loves where we live and he loves his school & friends. Anything else is inconsequential, including what is expected of him at home and at school.

I think your DS has met mine, CostaRicanBananas I wouldn't even organise a party for this time of year (DS was 16 a couple of weeks ago.) I said we'd see how things go and then have one after exams (but before results are out so I don't have to cancel the rest of his life while I weep with despair).

We went out for a birthday meal. All he said all day on his birthday was "I don't mind" in reply to anything. Even when we were in the shop choosing his presents. He then asked for a Frozen picture for his room, and still maintains he seriously wanted it. I thought 16yo lads were odd when I was 16, and my opinion hasn't changed.

maybe ii you actually said to him 'I'm sorry for cancelling your party, it was the wrong thing to do, I was very disappointed with your results but I realise that they're a separate issue to your birthday. We'll go ahead with the party but we do need to talk about your results.' A completely different approach might actually be heard?

You can't really punish him for doing badly in his mocks - one, the 'punishment' is the bad grades, but also - they're mocks, not actual exams.

You sound a bit like my mother op.

She felt used, taken advantage of, like a cash machine, constantly told me how lucky I was, how she sacrificed so much for me, Basically guilt tripped me constantly, repeatedly told me I was ungrateful. I never once felt supported - just constantly criticised. She gaslighted me and I was depressed which just increased my normal teen grumpiness. And the circle continued.

In retrospect I was a totally normal teen and she was an awful mother. We have an awful relationship and it will never get better.

Good luck op.

Costa your DD sounds exactly like mine at 16. I nagged him through mediocre GCSE's and I nagged him through fairly rubbish Alevels that scraped him a place on a foundation course at a Russell group university. Frankly I was amazed he even got what he did.

Then he went away to university, pulled his socks up and got stuck in. The very first weekend he came home he was a completely different lad. I was driving him back to the station and he said, "I'm so glad you kept on my back Mum, I'm so glad you made me go". I got something in my eye and nearly crashed the car. He's fine now, on the degree proper and getting 2is and firsts.

But, I will be honest with you; I don't think any of my nagging made even a tiny bit of difference, and it came very close to ruining our relationship forever. He just needed to grow up and work things out for himself.

MrsDeVere he stopped a long time ago. This isn't about pleasing me, it's about teaching basic skills so that he can happily live with others and look after himself. Yes, maybe he'll have to learn the hard way and it will take a remark from a friend or girlfriend to prompt a change. In the meantime, I can't see why I should wait until we have vermin the house because he's storing left over biscuits etc inside his wardrobe, for example.

Like I said, I resolved the ironing issue by no longer doing it for him. I tried, I nagged, I told him off but he resisted until the end. Does it hurt to see the state of his clothes? Yes, of course it does, but it hurts less than seeing all the freshly ironed clothes thrown on the floor.

I have no idea what motivates DS or makes him tick. He gives the big speech, goes through all the gimmick such as with his organisation for his revision - so I am not supposed to micro-manage but I am supposed to monitor and test? I tried to achieve a balance of keeping tabs on what he was doing and not forcing him to let me test him. It was more conversational and he's talk me through what revision he had done. Was he actually revising or did that mean that he could be bothered to answer the questions? Nope. Nothing goes beyond 'talk' and I do fear what is going to happen when he actually has to get out there and work for what he wants.

Oh, boy! Could I tell you some tales of my own children's behaviours and subsequent consequences.

BUT - a birthday treat being cancelled? A big No from me.

Costa - teenagers are (in the main) absolutely HORRIBLE (mine are/were)

You do need to pick your battles. Punishments/consequences - Yes. But cancellation of a birthday treat? No.
Your DS will never forgive you for humiliating him.
Let him have his party, but issue a consequence for his bad behaviour in another way.

I think it's very difficult for teenagers to be grateful for what their parents do for them - after all they've known nothing other than having unconditional love and tireless effort from their parents since they were born! Nobody would expect a little child to be thankful for being fed and dressed and played with, yet somehow we expect teenagers to suddenly be filled with gratitude for everything we do for them. I think it takes lots of teenagers until adulthood to appreciate their parents so try not to take it too personally!

I think teens often see what we think is support and encouragement as nagging (I know I did) and one of the defining characteristics of teenagers is their belief that they know more than we do! Telling my teenagers what I think they should do or asking them to justify themselves is pretty much guaranteed to annoy them. Definitely a case of softly softly catchee monkey! I think from your ds's point of view he might have felt really irritated by your trying to get him to justify himself to you re A Level courses. Not an excuse for rudeness and I think I might have cancelled the meal under the circumstances. But I do find it gets better results to plant a little seed eg 'well it's interesting that you want to do that a level given that you haven't enjoyed the GCSE but it's your decision' then drop the subject and leave him to think it over. Teenagers do think that they are the same maturity as adults and whilst obviously there have to be some ground rules, acting as though you know better (even if you do) IME creates more conflict.

You obviously love your son and want the best for him - one day he will realise that!

I think that you are looking for a maturity that isn't there yet. He probably doesn't understand why you need to understand why he chose the subject. I'm not saying that all teenagers are slackers but having been through the teen years with DSD 1&2 and discussions with other parents who have already been through the mill, the general consensus seems to be that they really don't place as much importance on things like keeping things tidy.

DSD 1&2 were the messiest teens (and perfected the floordrobe ) and they are now ridiculously neat and tidy. DS is a lazy shite when it comes to his room and clothes so I don't clean his room or do his laundry. However, if there are any visible dishes or smells in his room then he forfeits any rights to privacy and I will don the hazmat suit to gut it out. If any coursework etc is destroyed in the process then that's his call. I have only had to do this forced clean a couple of times in the past year He is so very patient with DD and will babysit her if I ask him so I will offer to tidy his room in return. He's sitting his driving test and has been told that he will get to use the car (and be treated as an adult who is responsible enough to do so) if he contributes to the running of the house i.e. doing chores.

I haven't ironed my DSs clothes for years. If he wants to wear unironed clothes that's up to him. It bothers me not one bit. I'm certainly not hurt by his appearance.

There's a lot to be said for picking your battle

"I tried, I nagged, I told him off but he resisted until the end." You need to pick your battles. From here it reads as though you're on at him all the time and there's only so much one person can take. Take a back seat, let him make mistakes and stop trying to micromanage everything he does. So he didn't do well in his exams. You support him and help him, you don't do "I told you so" and punish him.

Moving counties so that he can attend the great school is a bit of a burden/ pressure. Are you wanting him to achieve what you didn't? It sounds like he is failing at what you want for his future, not what he wants (or at his age doesn't realize it is what he should want).

I would try an honest talk with him. Does he realize that resitting exams is just extra hassle, leaving school and job hunting without A levels will mean he starts at the bottom in any career etc.

I know of several boys who messed up school then finally got their act together in their 20s.

It is infuriating when teens mess up at school. But I know of no guaranteed method of fixing this.

Try and look for the good in him Costa What do you like about him? It sounds like he has lots of mates and is happy enough. That's not to be sniffed at.

What is the worst case scenario? That he fails all his exams and has to redo them at college and ends up not going to Uni? He can bum around for a few years and then go if he wants to. Ask yourself seriously, is it because your friends and family have kids that are doing better? There was an element of that for me.

It's not worth damaging your relationship over Costa, it's really not. Not having his Mum in his life to back him up, will hurt him far more in the long run than bombing a few exams

LadySybilLikesSloeGin but where do you draw the line between punishing and rewarding? I saw cancelling the party as not rewarding him, seeing that he's not doing any work at all, anywhere - on the basis that I would put effort, time and money into treating him to something which I didn't believe he deserved. Is the pushing or not rewarding?

A birthday party is not a reward, it's a celebration of his birthday.

Agree with Usual

If you were planning a party to celebrate great exam results, I could understand your frustration. But a birthday party is a celebration of your child's birth, not a reward for anything he/she might have achieved at school. Completely separate entities.

It's not a reward. If his birthday was in September, you wouldn't have cancelled his birthday party would you? My son's just done his mocks. I pay for a private education for him, so tens of thousands. Do you think he sat and revised all the time over Christmas? Half an hour for each subject, that's what he's done. I'm not going to moan or punish him though, I know they are not the end of the world and are really just practice exams and a way for the school to see what areas he needs to work on. I certainly wouldn't punish him by cancelling his birthday celebrations.