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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Do you feel used by your teenager?

83 replies

CostaRicanBananas · 21/01/2015 11:50

Yesterday was DS' 16th birthday. He was supposed to be having a party this weekend but his mock results arrived and they were disastrous - after all the nagging and the promises / claims that he was revising SO hard! Party called off, we were supposed take him out for dinner last night. First we went to the sixth form open evening at his school, and seeing that we could agree on one of his A level preferences, I took it as an opportunity for us (him in particular) to get a better feel for it. Without even reading or considering what he was being told, he came out with a "Yep, I definitely want to do it.". We were on the way to the restaurant and trying to discuss it, but he was up in arms and being incredibly rude to the boot. So when he said "we might as well not bother with the meal", I put my foot down that we weren't treating him. He was already being rude when we arrived at the school and it just got worse as we moved on to the A level subject.

Up to that point, he had had presents, treat breakfast, lifts everywhere etc but I will not tolerate being spoken to in the way that he did. I don't get it. As a single parent, I've moved mountains for him, including moving counties in order for him to attend his current school. It's a huge opportunity but he's throwing it all away as he simply cannot be bothered to do any work. And that applies to everything: his room, his clothes, his appearance etc. He's nice as pie if he wants something but otherwise, he's makes it sound as though he's doing us a favour - such as last night. It wasn't about us being nice to him and him being treated when actually, he's not exactly deserving of treats at the moment - far from it! No, it was like he was doing us a favour?!

It's breaking my heart. I always saw us as a close unit and I always envisaged that I would be there to support and guide him. Instead, he doesn't do what is expected of him and he treats me with contempt!

OP posts:
Original poster
CostaRicanBananas · 21/01/2015 20:09

I admit that I could not see past beyond the "you don't lift a finger (overall, not just results related) so I am not going to put myself out for you", birthday or not. Maybe I am a bad mother, as somebody else has already implied, but I would have felt like a total idiot putting myself out for him when he's incapable of adhering to basic things and putting a bit of work into what he does.

OP posts:
cashmerecardigans · 21/01/2015 20:09

I tried to micromanage my DSD through her GCSEs as I knew she wasn't doing enough. It was no use at all, just caused loads of arguments and it didn't make any difference. She didn't get good grades and couldn't stay on so had to go elsewhere, away from her friends for A levels. My DS reaped the benefit as I took a different approach which was more along the lines of it's up to you but you will have different options open to you depending on how well you do. I offered help as needed but didn't push it and it was miles more successful.
There's something about the understanding the consequences of their actions that is really important and by controlling the situation in this way you are removing responsibility from him. My DSD did really well in her A levels once she'd realised that it actually mattered to her how she did.
Yes, teens can be tricky and like you, I struggle if they are rude, but as PP have said, pick your battles and I would apologise for mixing up birthday and results.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 21/01/2015 20:10

I never iron my teens' clothes and I don't routinely clean their rooms. If they want something washed they must ensure it is put in the washing basket. If they have too much clean stuff waiting to be put away I stop washing any more of their stuff, until the backlog is put away. If their rooms get particularly horrid, then I stage an intervention, which basically means we clean it together, while I poke my nose into all their stuff and chuck out their clutter. It doesn't happen more than a couple of times a year. Having boyfriends/girlfriends round is an excellent motivation to clean your room.

Original poster
CostaRicanBananas · 21/01/2015 20:11

Yes, I paid thousands for DS' pre-prep & prep years and he's now at a boys grammar school. This is not about the results per se, this is about ethos and the value of working for what you want.

OP posts:
EvansOvalPiesYumYum · 21/01/2015 20:13

Sometimes I know I'm a really crap mother. I'd be really upset if everyone forgot or cancelled a birthday celebration for me, though. Tell me the day after how crap I am, but let me have a lovely birthday with my loved ones first . . .

usualsuspect333 · 21/01/2015 20:13

I can understand your frustration, but you do need to try and have some good times with your DS.

Else you will just spend the next few years in a stand off.

needastrongone · 21/01/2015 20:13

Mmmmmnn... I think there's a lot of pressure on him OP. Sometimes, they need to fuck up all by themselves to realise what they need to do iyswim?

This is coming from someone who had this pressure as a child.

And someone who has 2 teen DC's.

And someone who has watched her DN be pushed by his mother, who adhered and went along with it, then screwed up spectacularly at Uni. And a sister in law who deeply regrets than now.

And someone who has a DH very similar.

Try to see all the good stuff he is a does, I say this a lot to DH Smile

gamerchick · 21/01/2015 20:16

And if he decides he's going to drop out and not bother with a levels at all. We basically flicking the Vs

NeitherHereOrThere · 21/01/2015 20:17

Sorry but teenagers do not actually care about what you have spent on their education.

They are basically selfish and self absorbed - as part of the process of growing up, they need to separate themselves from their parents even if it means feeling anger and disdain.

The most important thing you can do is to give them space and be there when they need you - very hard I know when you are used to being in control.

You shouldn't have cancelled the party - rightly or wrongly, he will hold it against you and it will drive a wedge between you both if you don't apologise and acknowledge your mistake.

needastrongone · 21/01/2015 20:17

costa You can't teach them that they have to work for what they want. They have to figure it for themselves. DD has it in spades, she was pissed that the school bus was late today as she 'values her education', DS, who is a A/A* candidate in all subjects but will probably wing it, doesn't. It is what it is.

It pisses DH off so much as he is a workaholic to the core and extremely driven, but he can't make DS him iyswim?

usualsuspect333 · 21/01/2015 20:18

And telling him how much his education cost is never going to get him motivated.

The motivation needs to come from him, how you do that, I dunno.

My DS was a lazy shit at 16. He's 22 now and incredibly hard working but I can't take the credit for that. That was down to him.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 21/01/2015 20:18

You are not a bad Mum Costa, you sound like a very caring one. But I think you need to step back a bit. You put the hard hours in when he was little. But teenage hormones make them go a bit crazy. You have to trust that when the fog clears he'll be your lovely engaged boy again. But try not to alienate him in the meantime; hang on in there with the unconditional love.

Original poster
CostaRicanBananas · 21/01/2015 20:18

cashmerecardigans it's the same with DS. Just the fact that may not be allowed to stay on should motivate him to at least put some effort into his work. It will crush him to have to move away from his friends, etc but it seems that it's just too far in the future to make him take action.

OP posts:
LadySybilLikesSloeGin · 21/01/2015 20:20

I get it, I do. I work stupid hours and ds just sits and isn't motivated to study. The more you nag though, the more stressed they get. It doesn't work. As far as I'm concerned, I've give him this chance and it's up to him whether to take it, I can't force him because my relationship with him matters more than anything else, and it's his life, not mine. Your son needs to make his own mistakes and find his own feet. It's OK to mess things up, it's all learning, and as long as he knows that you're here to help when he needs it then your job's done. Maybe your son has a different work ethos at the moment but you need to back off and let him work things out for himself.

I don't iron by the way.

Onceuponatimetherewas · 21/01/2015 20:22

I can understand where the OP is coming from. You're obviously at the end of your tether. And probably really worried for your DS, because he's not taking on board that exams at this stage really do matter. He's still in the "everything will be fine, someone will sort it out for me" phase. I recognise it. You're hoping that doing something fairly drastic in terms of punishment might get through to him.

TheFairyCaravan · 21/01/2015 20:29

To DH and I, birthdays and Christmas are completely off limits. You don't touch them. Unless you said to your DS he would only get a birthday party/treat if he did well in his mocks, then it is completely out of order to take it way, imo.

I do do DS2's washing and ironing because I do DH's and he is almost 50. I don't see the point of putting the washing machine on with half a load, then DS2 doing his half load, me doing our ironing, then DS2 doing his. Not only that, DS2 is part of the family stil, he isn't a lodger and I never want him to feel like he is. When DS1 comes home for the weekend, of he has washing I'll do that too, they are both perfectly capable of doing their own, and they have done the whole family's in the past, but we are a unit, not fragments and I believe we work better as a unit.

usualsuspect333 · 21/01/2015 20:32

I do every ones washing. I don't iron though.

AndHarry · 21/01/2015 20:33

I think if you can retrieve the birthday party, you should do so. Another poster had good wording for that.

I wouldn't have taken him out for a meal if he was being rude though so I'm with you on that one.

I've also been the one on the other end of this. I cannot tell you how hurt I was by my mother's reaction to my spectacularly good - but not quite good enough - A-level results and how it still hurts many years later that I wasn't good enough.

LadySybilLikesSloeGin · 21/01/2015 20:38

I'd apologise for over reacting and put his birthday arrangements back in place. Sounds like you need some mum and son fun, a chance to chat and chill out. Take him bowling or something, just the 2 of you. I think you need to show him that you're not on his case all the time.

Original poster
CostaRicanBananas · 21/01/2015 20:40

Onceuponatimetherewas yes, because I am worried sick that he won't realise the consequences until is too late! this is NOT about the mock results, it's about the attitude towards hard work (or absence of).

Yes, I will go back on the party as my mum did that to me but my mum's love was always conditional whereas I genuinely believed that my decision was well justified: you lied about revising, you failed to do any work at all and to put pen to paper, you're not doing things at home so why on earth should I put myself out for you? Anyway...thank you!

OP posts:
usualsuspect333 · 21/01/2015 20:43

Good luck Wine

Newrule · 21/01/2015 20:44

Agree with your approach Costa. He may regret his choices but will remember you as a very principled mother. You are teaching him valuable life lessons.

If he is not self-motivated, I am not sure there is much more you can do. Perhaps this academic dream is yours and not his.

AndHarry · 21/01/2015 20:46

At the end of the day, GCSE's are more important jobs-wise than A-levels so there are lots of options to re-take them at a later date if he screws up the real thing. It won't be a disaster if it happens but do make sure he knows he'll have to get a job and pay his keep so he knows what his options are.

Gymbob · 21/01/2015 20:55

Maybe not a perfect match but my DD stole £80 from us on her eve of her 13th birthday. I didn't cancel her party, I took her to it and brought her home, and she had the pre-arranged sleepover. I kept it separate - I dealt with it the next day and carted her off to the police station Smile.

Was it a meal just for family, or were his friends invited too? I don't think most 16 year olds would want their mother at their party. Cramp their style far too much.

GnomeDePlume · 21/01/2015 20:59

The thing I have made clear to my DCs (19, 16 & 15) is that while screwing up in your teens isnt the end of the world, it is the end of a world. The end of automatic progression to the next stage.

Would that type of explanation work for your DS?

Another thought, just how able is your DS really? So often I have seen the 'bright but lazy' label be applied to people who in reality turn out to be less able than their parents thought. The students who talked a good fight but didnt actually produce anything much.