my teen is ignoring me - for no apparent reason. How to deal with being blanked

[ErnesttheBavarian]

ok, my ds is 15. He has been ignoring me since Saturday. I don't know why. He will not speak to me or make eye contact with me. If I speak directly to him he will answer either with a grunt or 1 word, while looking studiously at the wall behind me.

I have asked his wtf is going on. "Don't know what you're talking about"

I rage at dh in frustration. He tells him off. Not acceptable behavior etc etc. Tells him to apologize. All I get is (while looking at the effing wall) "I'm sorry you're upset" which is a deliberate and total "fuck off".

I am fucking livid about it tbh.

It's the 3rd or 4th time that he's got the hump about something and decided I'm total scum. I really want an effective way to deal with it, ideally as soon as it begins. It makes me feel so angry and powerless. I bet he doesn't even know now wtf triggered it. I sure as hell don't

Bit of background. My sister has form for this. She ignores people when she is pissed off with them. She ignored me literally for about 8 years because she got the hump about who knows what at our granddad's funeral. She did not recognize the birth of any of my 4 dc and only got back in touch after one of my many attempts (letters and phone calls, which I did because it was breaking my mum's heart and was such a strain for her). Why do I always have to do the running to fix this mad fucking behavior?? She also ignored my mum for many years too. My mum wrote her a letter every single week for all those years till she finally deigned to get in touch. Honestly if my sister started blanking me again now iI think I'd just leave her to it. My mum treads on egg shells every fucking time she talks to my sister for fear of upsetting her.

And now my ds is behaving like it. My head is exploding. wtf do I do?

My DS almost 15 does this occasionally. I maintain cheery normal behaviour. I think he is just trying to communicate "go away leave me alone Mum you are so annoying". I think he is just testing the boundaries to see how you will react.

Last time my DS did this for a day or two and then cracked and suddenly became pleasant and polite again .

I asked "what made you come back to me all friends again" and he said " Oh I dunno it's just hard work being grumpy all the time....

Don't worry too much OP. Give it some time. Stay neutral. Does he have a sibling he will talk to ? I sometimes send my older DD in to negotiate.

He wants to leave school at 16 and join the army. He loves being outdoors and in forests etc. I have offered to take him to London to the armed services requite offices or whatever they are exactly so he can find out all the different options, careers, whether he wants army or navy or sir force etc. I've suggested helping him see if he can do his work experience some how linked w. Armed services. I've suggested he join some sort of scouts thing that would enable him to do all that outdoors adventure stuff, and his best friend is a member!!! But no. Not interestep in accepting any of these offers from me.

I think I have been beyond supportive. He has got a job. I helped him get it, including driving him to the 'interview' helping him fill out the forms etc.

I think the issue here is that his sulk is working.

He wants to upset you, and he knows he is succeeding.

The behaviour is very manipulative, and is not acceptable, but he is still a kid, and not an adult, so you have to find a way of dealing with it that doesn't give in to it or pander to it.

I love the funny/sarcastic ideas given by pp. It shows his behaviour isn't having the required effect, as you aren't angry/ upset.
Humour also is a good one for getting behind his guard. It also lets him know that you are quite clear what he is doing, but you aren't rising to the bait.

You can remove food/wifi or not, but the most important thing is that his sulk doesn't work.

I get what you are saying about venting on here and giving out about him to your dh. You're right that is what here is for by times and I personally don't know a parent who hasn't ranted and raved to their partner about their child. it's normal and a big difference from doing it to the child themselves. In no way have you come across as abusive.

I too think he is using this behaviour on you because he knows it upsets you. maybe he's upset about his friend leaving school and what school life is going to be like without that friend. Tbh, whatever the reason, he doesn't have the right to treat you like this which is why with my teens there would be consequences if they continued to do so after it was pointed out to them that it was unacceptable. That means confiscation of items they want but don't need such as laptops and phones. An apology and a ceasing of behaviour gets the item back so it is entirely up to them whether they have item gone for long or short time. Like another poster said, sometimes the apology isn't sincere but if it stops the behaviour that will do me.

Seriously chill. sorry I know that sounds patronising, but from your last post you sound like to done all these things to support him and now you're expecting him to fall at your feet in gratitude!

He's 15 - they just don't work like that. Once he's all grown up he'll probably say sorry mum you did so much and I was an arse, but you want more from him than he can give.

If he wants to join the army let him sort out how to go about it himself. Don't get involved. Leave him be. Unless he asks you nicely for help.

Be cheerful around him. Don't let him get to you.

OP doesn't know why he's sulking.
She doesn't KNOW that he is only doing it to upset her.
She doesn't know if he had a wet dream in which she made a brief appearance, & he'll never explain that to a living soul, but he'd like some major emotional distance right now.
She only knows that he doesn't want to give an explanation.
Sometimes teenagers are entitled to privacy with their angst.

I don't know why "I'm sorry you're upset" = "Fuck off" in anybody's mind.

I would personally tell him (even if he stares at the wall behind me) that I can see there must be something that upsets him and that I seem to have been the generator of the problem. But as I don't know what it was all I can do is wait for him to be ready to talk to me so when he wants to talk to let you know.

Then I would leave it like that and as hard as it must be I would ignore his behaviour and act as normal as possible.

In fact I think this is all you can do seeing that you can't force him to tell you and if you sulk back will not get you anywhere.

I love Slug's answer.

I'd go for that, but then I am very fond of arguing and more than capable of supplying both sides to the debate.

I would also not respond to requests for lifts, money or anything else, and if challenged point out the problems of refusing to interact.

It's how we swing in the Slug household. I keep DD in line by threatening to kiss her father in the vicinity of her friends.

Could it be he is actually annoyed at his father (who you describe as shouty, impatient, largely absent) rather than you and is taking it out in you as you're the 'safe' parent? In the same way that toddlers are often better behaved for the more absent parent as they don't feel as secure in their love? It's just a thought and may not be relevant to you.

Slug's response is excellent.

God, what a mish mash of replies, I think you have to stop trying as it is feeding the power trip or whatever, so do what you normally do, serve his tea, chat to the family, but don't bother asking him what's wrong until he's come out of it.
I hope he ends it soon, sounds really unpleasant, I think I would refuse to be in the same room as him.

How's it going OP? Has he returned to normal yet?

It sounds like a horrible situation to be in - I'd hate that and feel like you too. Normal to swing from feeling hurt to murderous in your situation IMO.

Good advice to avoid sanctions that will inflame things. He needs to know that you are bothered by his behaviour because it's boring now and rude. Boring and rude. And that you're looking forward to having normal communication returned (but aren't worried or being driven understandably mental by it because you're a well-adjusted tower of strength) (even if you don't feel like one/feel cross that it's always you who has to be the tower of strength.)

I agree with slug's approach too, provided you don't do it too much and give him the impression you're laughing at him.

My DS went through a phase of blaming stuff on me in particular.

Pretending that you're mildly annoyed now is the way to go.

I hope he snaps out of this soon.

Sorry about your sister too.

Sometimes we're just unlucky with family. And it's a bloody shame.

I read somewhere that boys in their early teens have to 'break' the relationship with their mother so that they can go out into the world and be 'men' - or something along those lines.

And I would say that is true, my DS was home alone with me a lot as his DF worked away but there was a definite distancing by him around that age.

Also I found it best to just state things then leave it. So tell him what you think/want/have decided then leave it. No cajoling, explaining, justifiying, etc that women normally do (men just don't bother with that ime).
So sort of distance yourself from him. Ignore the wall staring (utterly infuriating though it is).

Perhaps being busy/ happy/ successful with your own life, whilst ignoring his antics, is the best reaction. In a way copying his DF who seems unfazed by his behavior.

Also I'd be most surprised if he is 'inheriting' your Dsis's behavior. Some (a few) shared genes but different sex, different upbringing etc etc.

Dh spoke to him when he got in (came home early sick and I was out) Told him it wasn't acceptable and that he would have to sort it out with me today or he would take away his lap top phone etc.

Fast forward a couple of hours, dh says I'm due home and ds was going to sort it, right? Ds just said I never promised I would. Dh warned him and said to think carefully or he would be grounded, the full works. ds shrugged, handed over his phone and went off to his room without a word.

WTF. I guess I'll go to speak to him, but that total refusal to dh has put my aspirations of reconciliation somewhat on a downer.

Oh dear. Sorry to hear that.

I wouldn't go to speak to him though. Even if he feels deeply aggrieved by something you've done he must realise that this behaviour isn't sorting it.

If he's angry with you for something, even if he knows it's something irrational, trying to force him to be nice and friendly just isn't going to work. Possibly he thinks not saying anything is the politest he can manage.

Did you never get ridiculous hormonal mood swings as a teenager? From 14 to 16 it was like having PMS every other day. All the teens I know grew out of it by 18ish.

I think you can model good behaviour by not accepting his poor behaviour. I know you feel you should carry on as normal but you are not a hotel or a waitress. You're not paid to blindly prepare, cook and serve food while being on the receiving end of poor treatment. Modelling good behaviour in my eyes would be taking a loving, fair but firm stand in the face of mistreatment, rather then bending over to accept the unacceptable.

I would have a heart to heart even if it's one way. I would tell him how upsetting you are finding it and explain you don't understand what you've done. You can see he's upset too and what would he suggest to help your relationship move forward. You could pretend you're not upset but he wouldn't learn anything from that

If that failed, I'd explain to him that you really can't carry on cooking for someone whose mistreating you constantly. So until he can act like the nice young adult you know he really is, you're not willing to make the effort to cook for him.

The hormonal comment he made was probably meant more about himself then you. But you've got it in the neck because you're closest or whatever.

I would possibly even say nicely to him 'I know you are feeling awful at the moment due to your age but whatever your behaviour, I always love you very deeply. What can we do to sort this out because We need to make things better'

I def wouldn't go and speak to him. You are proving to him what a wimp you are. And how powerful he is, not only are you running around chasing your tail but DH is too.

I would give it a month and have a rethink with DH then depending on whether it is worse, better, fixed etc.

Ignore and be a happy and successful women with a life outside the home (to show he isn't the be all and end all of your life) and hope it passes.

I wouldn't go up there either. You said he stopped or grounding. He didn't stop so now you have to ground him.

Going up there is only going to put you in a position of begging/pleading/asking for attention. I understand why you would want to talk to him but it wouldn't help at this stage.

my opinion for what it's worth!